TL DR: I have very little friends or family, social situations make me anxious, wedding planning is stressing me out, fiance is a social butterfly with big family, I feel like i'm doing this for him and its a lot of work and money for one day just to stress out. It highlights the lack of real friendships and family in my life.
Hi everyone, just feeling like I need to vent a little, like maybe this will help me, and I admit, I am feeling a little sorry for myself and I know that never helps, but am hoping if I get it out, maybe I can gain some perspective and/or connect with others who are in a similar boat. My mental healht has been declining as well and I am waiting to get into see a psychiatrist. I'm getting married in October, I gave myself over a year to plan, because otherwise I knew it would be too hard for me to do. Its both mine and my fiances second marriages, I have 2 kids from previous marriage, he does not have any. I have very little family, my parents both died, though they were the kind of people to not have gotten involved in wedding planning and hated socializing or leaving the house anyway, so even if they were still alive, it wouldn't have mattered in terms of wedding, they just weren't very involved in my life. I have no siblings. I have a few cousins and an aunt and uncle, but there seems to have been a falling out with them after my dad passed away. Its a long story I won't get into here, but basically I don't think they would show up for me, in the past at least one person from the family would have, but now with the falling out and them living out of state, the last little bit of family is probably not coming, or if they are, it will be begrudgingly and could be very awkward after what happened.
I have a lot of "friends" and acquaintances, but there will be no wedding party because I don't feel like I have anyone close enough to ask and I also feel like it would be a burden for people. A lot of my friends live out of state, I used to be a military spouse (ex husband was active duty) and so I had a new best friend every 2 years or so, some of us have kept in touch, but they live across country or in Alaska, but a lot of us have lost touch, we are just not in each other's lives anymore. I had some local best friends in the past, but i'm not sure what happened, a combination of losing friends during the divorce, growing apart in our 30's, or maybe i'm just a crappy friend and they don't agree with my life choices or something, there isn't a lot of communication, so i'm really not sure what it is and of course my mind goes to the worst that it is me and they are just not able to tell me. I had a lot of anxiety even sending out Save the Date cards because i'm not sure where I stand with my friends anymore. I would rather them not show up than humor me and pretend we are still friends. I have my old "best friend" she lives a mile from my house, she hasn't really talked to me in over 2 years, i've stopped by and it felt uncomfortable to be there. I did have a couple of new friends express excitement at receiving an invite, so i'm trying to focus on that, and one lady said if I needed any help to let her know, so I have asked her a few questions about where to get flowers and some other stuff, but I don't want to unload on a new friends. I have invited one friend to go out wedding dress shopping with me, though now her dad is sick and in the hospital and I totally understand if she's too busy, it's a big thing to deal with as i've been there before. I have a few new friends here and there, some have expressed jealousy to me that I am engaged and getting married, some are just such new friends that I don't even feel like having a bachelorette party, like I feel like its just another thing on people's to-do lists.
My kids are 18 and 12, both boys, we are close, however, I don't want to rely on my children to be my emotional support, it's not their job, and I feel like this is probably hard enough for them seeing their parents' marriage fall apart and then have to witness their mom marrying some other guy a few years later, who they like fine enough, but I have a hard time wanting to ask them to actually be part of the wedding, I also have a fear that my ex-husband will try to keep my 12 year old from coming to the wedding. Seems like these things aren't that big a deal individually, but add them up and the whole things stresses me out .
My is my fiance is a super social guy who loves people, crowds, and parties, he has a big family, 4 siblings and their families, parents who get involved, aunts, uncles, lots of friends who show up for him, the whole 9 yards. They have all been very nice to me, but I like to remind him, this is his family, he's suggested that I reach out to his sister, mom, or either sister in law, I have done so very little because they have busy lives and jobs and again, not my family so it feels weird to me. He said he was fine with no wedding party, and I am trying to put on a brave face and act like I am super happy and excited about this wedding, but to be honest it is hard. We have been together 2 1/2 years, we have been living together for over a year, and things are going great, which I know is the most important thing!! That is what I keep telling myself that a good relationship and a good marriage is more important than a wedding day, but I just can't help but feel sad about the whole thing, which I try to hide from him because I don't want him to think it has anything to do with him, but I am having a hard time, plus the thought of having 75 people there, and everyone staring at me, i'm freaking out. I have invited a lot of people on my side out of obligation, they don't talk to me in real life, but they would be the kind of people to be upset about not getting an invite? Anyway, if you got this far, thanks for reading, like I said I just needed to vent. I can't let this whole year be ruined by being stressed about a wedding and its starting to take a toll on me, and I know I also need some professional help, which takes forever to get it seems like.
