Venue- the place where I am not welcome.

That you are cutting off your nose to spite your face, and yes, being selfish. While it's inappropriate that they are not inviting your husband of ten years, this is your son's wedding and it sounds as you made your bed there so to speak since the timing suggests he was your affair partner at the time. You don't get a second chance to do something that only happens once. All you have to do is act like an adult and be civil. The alternative is risking your relationship with your son.

This will sound tough, but if it was me, I wouldn't have anyone who is having an active affair or had an affair at my wedding. Yes, you married your partner so you may think it's legitimate (I have no judgement there), but it's not about you here. Let the focus be on your son and his partner making a commitment on the land they will inevitably build their lives on. You don't have to wait for your ex to pass on to go onto the land, he's already inviting you. Your son is inviting you. So attend with your Mother. At the end of the night, you will still have a home with your husband and your relationships with your children.

View Quoted Comment

Wow. I really am taken aback by your judgmental comment. I really didn't think I would find that here. So by your standard- I should not even go because I did something you thought was disgraceful and could infect the future bride and groom. And no I have not been invited. And yes my marriage is indeed legitimate, the abusive marriage before was also legitimate.

I'm a little in shock here. I really thought that I would find some positivity here or some adults with good solutions to work out this issue; either physically or mentally get through this situation. I never expected to be attacked and demeaned. I truly hope your weddings are all beautiful and that your lives are led with happiness. I guess that is the internet.

View Quoted Comment I think I’m a bit confused. I thought you said above that you and your mother are indeed invited to the wedding and that your son and ex are ok with you attending?


By that information alone and coming from a neutral standpoint, I would say that while yes it would hurt to not be able to attend with your current husband, it would be best to go with your mom (or by yourself if she can’t come) simply for the sake of your son. I am not a parent but I can say from the perspective of being someone’s daughter, my heart would break if even just one of my parents told me they did not want to come to my wedding. I would have found it hard to get through the wedding day.

View Quoted Comment Like Erin above, I thought you wrote you were invited by your son and ex, and are only choosing not to go because your husband is not invited. Well, there's nothing more to do if your son has already made his choice. He chose free land for his wedding and his future. It's sad, but you can see them at your daughter's wedding.


If I was a family friend, I would not invite you to my wedding. It's not about infecting others, my commitment isn't about you. Your choices are yours, but it doesn't mean I want gossip at my event. If I was your child, I'd choose you (if I had a good, existing relationship). But, I would hope you would be so gracious as to leave your partner at home. Because a reunion w/ the other parent should be amicable or neutral and again w/o gossip or ill- intent.

View Quoted Comment

Hi Erin,

No I have not been invited. I have not been given permission to enter. If my ex gave me permission to be on the property, then yes I would go and my husband would understand that it would only be for myself and maybe my mom. She actually hasn't been mentioned. Even if my son says everything is wonderful and I am as welcome as someone delivering a winning lottery ticket, it has not come from the owner of the property. This is also more than likely a game that has been played. Even as his father and I discuss the medical needs of my younger son he has not mentioned anything about my attending. I would have no problem being amicable with my ex- and I have tried several times. Unfortunately, he would really rather have the party/wedding centered on him and his family.

I do want to go to his wedding, I am hurt that I am put in this position.

You are very blessed to have a wonderful relationship with your parents. Treasure every moment.

View Quoted Comment

Being excluded from your son's wedding I'm sure is sad for you. I'm sorry this is happening, and it can't feel nice. Are you sure you won't be invited to attend?

I wouldn't expect them to change their wedding plans to suit you. It might make you feel awkward, but that's not on them to fix.

I can understand why your husband would not be welcome, if he was your affair partner.

I guess I am super confused about your responses. In your original post you said “my son states that his dad and family are just fine with it and don’t care” and that “ there will just be my mom and I going from my side- if she goes”. does this not indicate that they are OK with you attending? Because that’s the way it sounds. I would put my personal feelings aside, attend the wedding, and act cordially to everyone; no matter how uncomfortable it might be. I understand the difficulty of attending without your spouse, but under the circumstances, I don’t think it would be appropriate for him to attend. Go with your mother and celebrate your child’s wedding. You don’t have to stay all evening. Show up, show support, take photos (you don’t want your son looking back at photos of his wedding and you being absent). If you feel it will be too uncomfortable, you could always decline attending the reception and dinner afterwards. But I would at least make the effort to attend the ceremony and show your son support. I think in the future you will be glad you made the effort, despite how difficult it was.

I guess I'm confused too. I thought she wasn't invited.

OP, if you are indeed invited, I would take it as your ex taking the high road here and I would be grateful for it. I would go and put on a happy face to celebrate your son's wedding. There might be awkwardness for you, but that's not on them.

It sounds like you think your ex needs to reach out to you personally to let you know it's OK for you to come. He probably isn't going to do that because he likely thinks/knows your son has already done that. It's strange to me that you wouldn't just take your son at his word that you're welcome.

When is the wedding? Have actual invitations gone out? If not, what makes you think you aren't invited, especially considering the comments your son made that his father and family are fine with you being there? It doesn't add up.

If your son says you're invited then proper invitation or not, you're invited. I would not stand on ceremony in your situation.

If you are not invited, there is nothing you can do.

Maybe your ex told your son to invite you. A verbal invitation is still an invitation. If in doubt ask your ex.

Sounds like you are invited, and that son and father have talked and you’re allowed on the property, and son has told you you are welcome. But you stuck on your own hang ups and want more than this. Seems like son may be right when mentioning the dramatics, if you’re waiting for a personal invite from your ex, it’s not going to happen. But it’s son’s wedding and son’s guestlist and if son says you’re on it, he’s made sure you are welcome, so like previous posters said, take him at his word. I’m sorry you are uncomfortable going there and I’m sure that is true, but it does not mean you are unwelcome at the wedding.

View Quoted Comment This is everything I got it out this as well with one added thing:


OP, you say your son says no one cares, you're invited, but you keep referencing how your ex doesn't want you on the farm from past experiences. I think the only advice that can be given at this point is either take your son's word for it, or get in contact with your ex directly to ask if he's okay with you coming.
Honestly, he's probably not, but your ex is probably willing to take the high road as this wedding isn't about either of you or your divorce, it's about your mutual son and his new bride and him having his parents there.

If you're not careful, your "dramatic and unpleasant" divorce can affect your relationship with your son if you don't put aside your "unspoken rules" and all the hangups you're invisioning about who you think wants you there or not.

I have to assume, that if the father agreed to allow the wedding at the farm, then he knows his son's mother would be invited and allowed on the property for that day. They're not inviting you to come to Sunday dinner. It's a wedding of one of your children. I think we're either missing a big piece of the story or like your son said, you're making a bigger deal out of it than necessary.

Maybe just let your son know you'd feel more comfortable if his dad directly told you it was ok, and who the invitation is extended to. While maybe you did something 10 years ago, I don't feel like that's a reason to cut you off fro the wedding, especially if that's the only thing they've cut you off from just because of location. It doesn't sound fun, but maybe one direct conversation to have a clear complete understanding of who is or isn't allowed will clear up the confusion at least...