Venue Location- Family etiquette

First congratulations on your engagement. Second breathe you don't want stress this soon.. I think the first thing to talk about is date .. What season are you thinking about is there a date that is important to u and fh.. Then think about budget and what u can afford to spend or who is contributing to your day if anyone.. Then look at locations for ceremony and reception. Do your research look in all areas your thinking about.. And go from there..

There are so many things that will help determine where/when you will get married. Cost, availability, what is provided in the venue. Look at locations both in your town and 1 1/2 hours away and everywhere in between and go from there.

Google DWIL Nation, its on babycenter you dont need to have a baby to join. And its not just for in-laws.

2nd, Is your Mom paying? If yes than you have to follow her lead. If yes, time to change that to a no.

3rd, no one ia "forced" to get a hotel, an hour and a half away doesnt require a hotel, unless someone is inebriated and doesn't have a DD. Nor is it disrespectful of anyone.

4th, wtf why are you accommodating a dog for your wedding? like i get that our pets are important but for you mom to decide that your wedding venue must be x minutes away because of a dog is beyond.

Your mom is manipulative and from what it sounds like emotionally abusive. The books Boundaries, toxic inlaws, and therapy for you (never with your mom) with aomeone who is pro cutting off toxic people would do you a world of good.

First of all, congratulations!

Second of all, you live at home per your parents wishes and your mom uses guilt to manipulate you into doing what she wants. Unfortunately, and this is going to be hard to hear, but you really need to start standing up for yourself now or you will set the tone for the rest of your life. You and your fiancé are going to create a new family unit (even if it’s just the two of you forever) and that unit needs to be prioritized over everything. When you and your fiancé start making big life decisions, like where to live, maybe you’ll move, maybe you’ll have kids, maybe you’ll quit your jobs and travel the world, you cannot have your mother in your ear telling you what you need to do and emotionally manipulating you into her demands. This is toxic and unhealthy. I know you’re at home for your parents wishes but if you could stay anywhere else, with a friend or a relative, sometimes it would be largely beneficial. It is very hard to stand up to a parent when you’re under their roof, you can’t get away and they essentially can have control over you.

Unfortunately, if your mother is paying, she is allowed to have a say in where the wedding is held. If you are uncomfortable with that, graciously decline her money. I would.

Your husband moved hours away from his home to be with you. It is not unreasonable to have your wedding a bit closer to his hometown. Tradition does not state the wedding needs to be in the brides hometown and having a wedding an hour and a half away does not mean you don’t respect your family. They wouldn’t be forced to get a hotel room for the night. Two of my aunt and uncles lived about two hours from our wedding. One of them decided not to drink so they could all drive home afterwards. It’s not a big deal.

Honestly, talk to your fiancé and tell him what you told us. If your mother is paying for your wedding, ask him if he’s okay with that. If he’s not, determine a budget and research a few venues near your home and 1.5 hours away and see where you get the best bang for your buck. You may find it’s cheaper to have your wedding near you. Let your mother know what you’ve decided. You’re an adult and this is your wedding! You want to be happy when you look back on this day for the rest of your life! If she tries to make you feel terrible for your choices, I would firmly but gently cut her off and tell her you don’t appreciate her making you feel bad for your decisions. If she’s up for her it, I would suggest family counseling so an non-partial third party can facilitate the conversation and point out things to your mother you may be uncomfortable saying. If she continues her toxic behavior, I’d stop talking to her about the wedding, send her an invite, and be done with it. If she wants to destroy her relationship with her daughter over an hour and a half drive, you deserve to not be treated like that. And if you continue to let her do so, she will do it forever.

You need to show your mother that you’re an adult. You shouldn’t be still living at home because they want you to. Your wedding plans are yours to make. You need to have a serious talk with your mother and explain that you make your own decisions not her. She doesn’t have control over your choices. You’re about to begin your new life with you and FH, that is your priority. Don’t sacrifice his wishes because your mom doesn’t approve.

Thank you all for the insight, you've been saying things I already know to be true in my heart. I know I have to stand up for myself, I just know it won't be easy & I'm not looking forward to it. Because I live at home it makes it so much harder, I hate to walk on egg shells for another year 1/2+. I have tried to move out, the same guilt-method happened and I was called a martyr because "I'd rather suffer living on my own/with my FH, not because it could benefit me, but because I just want to 'play house'". My FH made it a point to say he wants to save up as much as we can so she won't have to contribute to the wedding so that we can have freedom to plan.

View Quoted Comment The advice that you were given here was really great so I won't add to it but it sounds like you know what to do. It will be worth it...your FH sounds like a great guy Good luck!

If she’s paying, her opinion matters a lot more. If you’re paying, then you can essentially do whatever you want (though there may be consequences.) Because of this issue, we picked somewhere exactly 1.5 hours west of both of our home towns so it wasn’t partial to anyone 🤣 but we’re getting married on New Year’s Eve (and we got an awesome hotel rate for our block.) I felt like moving it far enough away has encouraged more people to stay in a hotel and not risk driving, which made me feel better than people chancing it if the venue was close by to where anyone lived.

View Quoted Comment Ah ‘play house’ my favorite parental line. I’m still getting that thrown in my face and we have been engaged since Aug 2016 and just have a few months left. You know how she is just as I know my mom, ride it out sister! You got this, they are nuts and haven’t moved into the 21sr century. And while you cannot stop her comments you can stop how you respond. Hear them out and move on. I’ve been living with my FI since 2014 and it’s been the best (was with roomies before). Since you are looking at 2019 idk if I would rock the boat plus it allows you to save up for wedding/house.

Regarding the wedding issues. Look at both locations then decide. My mom is beside herself we aren’t getting married in my home town. About 4hrs from DC. Oh well! She will et over it at some point. Unfortunately it won’t be until after the wedding and maybe 19 grandkids later. You got this! Don’t be swayed. And for Fall 2019, get on that ASAP! The most popular season is Fall.

Man, I'm not usually into destination weddings but if ever I heard of a case for one, this would be it. Elopement would also be an effective tool. I hate to manipulate and threaten right back, but I'd maybe let her know that if this whole process becomes too stressful for you, that is something you would consider.

View Quoted Comment I'm sorry you had to go through your own parental struggles, but I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has had to deal with it. Gives me hope that eventually everything will get figured out in the end. Thanks for the advice, gotta convince my FH that we have to start planning asap! Lol

View Quoted Comment Trust me I've considered it 😧...I know I want my family there though, so guess I just have to power through for now!

Congrats on your engagement! Your FH moving closer to you is sweet, sounds like a great guy.

As for mom....well, I think it's ez. If she's paying she gets to make decisions. If she's not then she can add her .02$, thank her for her opinion and then do what feels right.