Venting i just feel defeated with my wedding

Sorry you are feeling defeated. First, I think you should stop telling her your wedding plans because she sounds like she’ll be negative about all of them. I think the colors sound like they’ll go well together and ultimately it’s you and your fiancé’s day. Maybe take a little break from planning. Cause sometimes we all need a break. What helped me was I watched wedding movies or wedding television shows and it got me in the mood again.

Take a deep breath! You got this -- no matter what your mom says. You're doing the right thing by not talking to her moving forward, especially about your wedding. Don't let her mean comments shake your faith in your wedding planning. If you love your colors and your new dress (you were beautiful in it, by the way), hold fast on your choices and don't let her or anyone else talk you out of what you know you want and like. This is YOUR wedding -- not hers, not your sisters, or anyone else's. You don't have to do what she did, and you aren't competing with your sister -- no matter how wonderful their weddings were. Your wedding is your special day and as long as you are happy with the plans you have made, that's all that matters. Don't let your mom's words live rent-free in your head -- it's time to evict them and replace them with your happy thoughts (the ones that deserve to be there).

My opinion is that your mom sounds like a witch with a b. I would definitely distance yourself from her. It is none of her business what your budget is for your wedding. As long as you can afford it then that's all that matters. I think the colors you picked are beautiful. I agree with the previous poster that maybe you should take a break from planning for a little bit.

I read this and it truly breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you had to deal with her toxic behavior.


First I'd cut your mom completely out of your life for good you don't need anyone in your life who is toxic to you no matter if they are family or not. And it sounds like you have.
Second take a deep breath girl. Your decisions for your wedding are not wrong or chaotic. I think the colors you have a great. And dress company's may say it's harder to take a dress out then in but it doesn't mean it's impossible it can be done. If you don't lose all the weight in time don't stress because a tailor can make it work for your body. Your mom no offense is a toxic idiot and is just trying to do her best to put you down and destroy your happiness. Don't let her words get to you. Your wedding is going to be perfect and you are going to make a beautiful bride. One last thing never forget the happiness you first felt when starting the wedding planning process and all the reasons you want to get married. I really hope this helps and things get better for you, sending you a virtual hug

Take a deep breath. You are fine. *big hug* Cut off all ties now with mom for your mental health. No one needs that toxicity even if they are blood relatives. Your wedding will be beautiful and fun. Those who love you will be there to celebrate with you. Those who don't won't be allowed in to rain on your parade. Take a break from planning and focus on self care.

I'm so sorry to hear about all of this! It's much easier said than done, but try not to let her comments get to you. As far as her criticism of things like your colors, your dress style, etc, she doesn't get to make those decisions. If you love the trumpet/mermaid style dress, go for it without hesitation! If you and your fiance love those colors, full steam ahead with that color palette!


I would maybe take a few days or so to regroup, and then keep planning the wedding that you and your fiance want, and toss any negative opinions from anyone else out the window. Also, I wouldn't give her many details on things, and possibly would just stop talking to her about the wedding altogether unless it's something that directly involves her. If she asks about details, you could give very vague answers, or you could also tell her that you want it to be a surprise. Or if she tries to tell you what to do with your wedding, you could tell her that you and your fiance have everything under control and you know what you're looking for, and then change the topic. At the end of the day, remember that your wedding will be beautiful no matter what!

CountryBride, I’m giving you a big hug!!! I’ve read several of your posts and know how much you’ve gone through this past year. Maybe take a few minutes to cry and let out your frustration. 🤗


... now, stop sharing any details with your mom. She sounds toxic and unhealthy. Wedding planning sometimes makes us extra sensitive and try to forge relationships with hurtful people but don’t go there. If you NEED to talk to her and she brings up anything negative about your wedding, in a firm voice say something like, “STOP. Mom, I love but and I need you to respect this is my wedding. Stop telling me how my wedding should be.”
You may want to have a consequence. After years of therapy, I learned to set boundaries with my dad and others. A few times on the phone my consequence was “If you don’t stop criticizing/telling me about ABC, this conversation will be over.” Once he wouldn’t listen and I hung up. Didn’t talk to him for 6 months. Eventually he learned.

I’m so sorry! That sounds absolutely horrible! I think all girls hope to have that fairytale planning experience with their mothers. Unfortunately, many moms just don’t get the memo that they are there to love and support, not criticize! I agree with everyone else, I would stop sharing details of the wedding with her. If she tries to engage again, I would be honest with her. Tell her that her recent comments were hurtful and in no way helpful, and moving forward you will be planning all wedding details with your fiancé. Or if you don’t want to have that conversation with her, then you could always just say that everything is done and set and purchased and planned, and there is nothing else to discuss or do. She can be surprised with everybody else when she arrives to the wedding. Stay strong and stick to your vision! You got this!!

How would you feel about ending the relationship with your mother? This is your wedding we’re talking about! This should be one of the happiest moments of your life! I had to cut my mother out of my life and it sucked for the first two weeks and really hurt me, but after that I have felt an immense weight lifted off of my shoulders. Sometimes backing away from toxic people is the best thing to do

I am so sorry this is happening to you. My best advice is continue on with your plans. If you and your fiancé love it, then stick with it. I would not discuss anything wedding related with your mother from now on. It is clear she is not here to support you, so just don’t engage her.

Wow, that's.... I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you and I know this process can be stressful enough on its own. Your mom did get one thing right: It's your wedding; do what you want. In response to everything else that's going on...

1. Whether she was just mistaken about the venue location or actively trying to spread disinformation, the location is decided by you and your FH. If invitations or STDs haven't been sent out yet, just make sure the correct location is printed on them. If they have been, I'd make sure to reach out to your guests and reiterate what the actual location is. I think most people would trust what you, the bride, have to say over what someone else says.

2. I think your color choices sound absolutely lovely and aren't chaotic or clashy at all! They have a nice, soft, beachy vibe to them and I'm all about it!

3. Absolutely keep focusing on what is best for you and your fiance and makes you both happy. You know you're not trying to compete, and I honestly find it amusing that she thinks events 10 years apart would be compared. You and your sister are completely different people with different thoughts and ideas. Sure, you may have some ideas in common, but your unique ideas will shine through. Nobody else will be thinking about an event from that long ago on your day and comparing it. If it helps, try to focus on the reasons that lead to your decisions. That may help you stay excited for your plans and more confident about them as well.

4. Holy moly, that's a lot of kids! However, it sounds to me like you're definitely taking care of them wonderfully. Y'all absolutely deserve to make this celebration special for yourselves. Unless your mom is contributing financially, your budget is absolutely none of her business. I don't know you, but from what I've heard I absolutely trust that you've got a good head on your shoulders and are not making financial decisions lightly. This is very well thought out and responsible.

5. That's a good enough answer, as it's really none of her business. Keep sticking to your guns with that and don't let her wear you down!

6. People will always have opinions on what you should do. I've run out of fingers and toes to count how many people have told me that we should just do an elopement and have a big party later. But that's not what we want. We're definitely keeping safety in mind, but it doesn't make sense to us to have to plan multiple celebrations and compromise on something I've had planned for myself since I first started helping friends plan their weddings about 11 years ago. They aren't in my shoes, and I don't think they understand how hurtful it is to say things like that over and over. They got what they wanted without compromise - why should my day be riddled with things I don't want just to please someone else? If getting married at the VFW Hall with a potluck, cash bar, and stereo for music isn't what you want then there you go. If she keeps pushing the issue, "no" is a complete sentence. You don't owe her any sort of explanation for why you want what you want.

7. And here's the one that super irks me because of how blatantly rude and insensitive it is. My best advice here is to just let it roll off your back. Do you feel beautiful in that dress? If so, then that's your answer. She can't decide your feelings about the dress for you and I honestly wouldn't trust her judgement on what looks good on you based on everything else you've said. Keep working on yourself and don't let her opinions get you down. I've been trying to lose weight and feel like I'm at a plateau right now. My fiance constantly tells me that he can see the difference and that he's really proud of me. I'm willing to bet yours is just as supportive as mine. When you're feeling down, let him know what's on your mind and if you need encouragement or just a listening ear from someone you know is in your corner.

My honest opinion, since you're asking, is that you've made phenomenal choices so far and are honestly rocking this whole planning thing! You're happy with your dress, you've picked great colors, you're keeping what you and your fiance want at the forefront, and you've made sure that your children are taken care of. You've already done so much so well. Take a step back and remember to celebrate even the smallest of victories. One of the assignments given to us during our marriage counseling sessions recently was to have a date focused on celebrating us, being specific. FH and I went out for a nice dinner and made a game out of toasting each other. Before taking a sip of our drinks, whoever wanted to drink had to first say something they loved about the other person or our relationship in general. It helped remind us that we're really in this together and of all the little things that can sometimes slip through the cracks or may not seem important but actually do hold a lot of meaning. This included everything from, "I love that we can have difficult conversations with each other and not get mad," to, "I love that I can fart in front of you." Some things made us laugh and others made us fall more deeply in love. It's sometimes really hard to see the progress you've already made when you haven't yet reached your finish line. I would encourage you to take a step back, see how far you've come, and celebrate that. You're doing wonderfully and I'm so proud of what you've already accomplished and will continue to do!

Your mom sounds like a narcissist to me. Can't stand that you'll be getting positive attention, and wants to ruin the experience for you. I can't imagine the pain you're going through, and I second everyone's statements of cutting her out. No one deserves that kind of attitude.

I also understand that simply cutting her off completely is not necessarily an option, because it sounds like you're trying to work on a relationship with her.

Anytime she starts to bring up wedding talk, just let her know that right now you and your FH have made decisions that you're happy with, and while you appreciate she's got an opinion, you haven't asked for it and don't care to hear it at this time.

Set ground rules that you will not hear negativity about your wedding anymore, because it's not hers, it's not her money, and if she has a problem with that she doesn't have to be there.

You should be happy on that day, and focused on joining your family and celebrating. If she doesn't want to be a part of that, it's sad, but you shouldn't compromise on your happiness.

First of all, I'm so sorry about your stillborn ❤ I had a miscarriage in the process of wedding planning, and it's made the whole thing so much more difficult and emotional. People don't understand how hard it is to go through that! If anyone tries to make you feel like sh** in whatever dress you pick, just remind yourself that you have a beautiful body that was able to carry an angel 💕


What really matters is that you and your fiance have the wedding day that YOU want. Especially if you are paying for it, nobody else should make you feel like you shouldn't do what you want. While moms mean the world to so many of us, I know they can be overbearing sometimes when it comes to wedding planning. If she's stressing you out too much, I would just keep the wedding details to yourself and just tell her where to show up on the wedding day.
Best of luck! Your wedding will be amazing!

I'm so sorry. My mother is toxic, too, and I suffered a miscarriage last year, as my friends were losing their baby, too. It's just rough all around, and I wish you a respite from grief.

Just... stop talking to her. Honestly, about anything more than the weather or her favorite TV show. If she brings up the wedding, tell her you aren't talking about it, and change the subject. She'll probably insist on bringing it back up. Tell her you aren't talking about it, and change the subject. She'll bring it back up again, say, "well, as I said, I'm not talking about it, but you seem to want to, so we'll talk another time. Bye." And hang up.

Make sure all your vendors know to only talk to you and your FS.

If it's at all possible, consider *not* having her at the wedding. (I mean, she's the one who thinks it's at the other end of the state. If she goes there... it's not *your* fault.)

My mother ended up not coming to our wedding because of our invitations, and we haven't spoken to her in 20 months. It's been wonderful, really. Our day was much less stressful without someone toxic around.

You're not alone.

First off you need to not plan your wedding with your mother. She sounds horrible and if she’s causing you stress I would just cut her out of it.
Second I’m so so sorry for your loss.
Third if she’s not paying for it she has absolutely 0 say in anything and if she doesn’t support you financially she has 0 say in your finances.All around I’d just stop talking about anything wedding related to her in general. Don’t let her bring you down. She is way overstepping in all aspects you mentioned. You and your future spouse know what you want and what you can afford and what you like. I’d just distance myself from her and do you! Your colors so beautiful btw

I’m sorry that you’re so overwhelmed. Planning a wedding is very mentally chaotic. And I’m fully realizing that currently. Sometimes people just can’t believe you could possibly be doing so well in life that you could have something that’s just a fantasy for themselves. I never thought I’d be able to have a wedding. My family didn’t spend money on things like this. And trust me I think about all the things we could be doing with “wedding money” but we’re good. My kids are taken care of. Our home, cars, careers are fine. Even with planning a wedding. We are financially fine. I know people that do what your mothers doing. And it could be that she has no idea what it’s like, to be living the life you are. She could be jealous and envious so she makes it sound like everything you’re doing is wrong. Don’t let her hurt your spirit. Focus on what makes you happy. Turn to your fiancé and find peace together.

" who thinks everything my sister does is the greatest thing in the world and if I do the same thing I am wrong ": Just for that, you shouldn't have allowed her to be involved in the planning process.
Of course you wanted to make her happy/to bond with her so I understand why you accepted her request.

"she freaking ends the conversation with but its your wedding do what you want" after every requests/suggestions. Sounds like a guilt-trip card to me.
"I have already decided NOT to talk to her" :Great news!! The fact she thinks whatever you do/decide is wrong, as you said, just for that you should trust yourself and be confident with your decisions. She's obviouly manipulative and by sticking to your guns , you show her she can't affect you that much.Good luck!!

Um... sounds like your mom really wants to control you. How you should react all depends on her character and how she treats you the rest of the time. If this is just temporary out-of-character treatment due to stress or something, just try and reason with her while holding your ground. If she is like that all of the time, I'd say she has some major issues and you will probably need to think about your relationship with her post- wedding. Have you ever read anything about emotional abuse? Or Fear Obligation Guilt (FOG)? I would suggest reading some sources to determine if you're in a toxic relationship with your mom.

Edit: Reading through the whole post again, I lean towards the latter. If she really does prefer your sister all the time, I suggest you look up the dynamic between the "golden child" and the "scapegoat" and see if that's familiar. You might find that all the self-doubt might've been imposed upon you from a young age.

This breaks my heart. I’m so sorry I’m sending you big Texas Hugs 🤗. It’s your day you know what you like what you can afford and you plan YOUR day. Lavender is such a soft and beautiful color I think your decorations will be gorgeous. You will feel so much love from your kids and your FH on that special day. I know all these ladies commenting also feel that your going to get through this and have the day you are dreaming about. No worries, you will be alright and you have all of us here to help you through other planning!

If I was in your shoes, I would say it is time to do some serious damage control and hire a wedding planner. I would make an announcement to family apologizing for plans changing so suddenly to but now you are letting (insert planner's name here) plan your wedding with you, and direct some questions their way, and to your personal e-mail. You don't have to elaborate much further than that. Just make it clear that the planner is what you will be sticking with from now on.

-A wedding planner doesn't have to be ridiculously expensive, but you should feel like you don't have to be the coordinator at your own wedding.

-"Interview" some wedding planners before making a decision.

If a wedding planner absolutely 1,000,000% cannot be factored into a budget, take the reins and don't back down to your mom. It will be hard, but you can become a broken record by saying things like,

-"I understand you feel differently, but this is what I want".
-"No, and there will be no further discussion."
-"No, and if I have to mention this again, I would rather not have you here."

For guests you can say,

-"I initially wanted my mom's help since I felt overwhelmed, but now I have a clearer picture of what (insert fiancé's name here) want, and we are proceeding this way. We would still love for you to come".