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M
Savvy November 2019

*venting* groom's parents want us to change dates?

Morgan, on March 28, 2018 at 4:23 PM

Posted in Planning 46

My FH's family keep forgetting we have set a date. We haven't sent out STD's yet because there's still 18mo between now and the big day, but we have told all our family and friends multiple times. They asked AGAIN if we picked a date and we told them again. This time, his mom pulled it up on her...
My FH's family keep forgetting we have set a date. We haven't sent out STD's yet because there's still 18mo between now and the big day, but we have told all our family and friends multiple times. They asked AGAIN if we picked a date and we told them again.
This time, his mom pulled it up on her calendar and started getting mad because it's a Monday. We picked it because it will be our 8th anniversary (and it works out the venue we want is $800 cheaper on weekdays). We explained this to her, and they just said "...but it's a Monday. That's not being considerate of us and people with jobs." As if he and I don't also have full time jobs? We both work 5-6 days a week, we get it weekdays are when people work. But we picked this date because it's special to us and it's not like we cant take a couple days off work.

My family and our friends have all been great about it and excited. It's just his family that keeps asking about it, asking if we're considering other days, trying to guilt us into changing it to the previous Sunday so more of his relatives can come (even though they aren't invited?). Also his sister just got engaged as well and now they're saying we might have to change our plans for her sake..... We got engaged first. Not to be mean, but Her plans have no influence on us. She's nice, but we aren't close, so I'm not about to ask her about her plans and change my plans accordingly.

Idk. Just venting. Getting really tired of them trying to give us their 2 cents when we aren't asking for opinions, we are telling you what's happening.
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46 Comments

  • M&M Bride
    Super September 2018
    M&M Bride ·
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    Your FSIL's wedding shouldn't have anything to do with your planning. If they are objecting to a Monday evening wedding then they might just be trying to warn you that you will probably receive more declines. If the wedding was local I would attend, but I might not be able to travel for a Monday wedding. I know that you picked your anniversary, but I would think about the possibility of a Friday or Sunday wedding to save money. I am a firm believer that your wedding date will be just as special even if it doesn't fall on an anniversary. If anything it gives you a second date to celebrate!

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  • Red Queen
    VIP May 2018
    Red Queen ·
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    Your new date will be just as special. Why inconvenience your guests over a number?

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  • Forestwed
    Master May 2018
    Forestwed ·
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    I don’t think $800 savings is enough to inconvenience everyone that much. I would be more considerate of my guests.
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  • J
    Expert May 2018
    J ·
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    Yeah, exactly. OP mentioned that she and her FH can take a couple days off, but not everyone else will be able to do that (or they might just not want to spend their PTO for the wedding but would have gladly gone if it was on a weekend). I could maybe see it if they were saving thousands of dollars, but $800 is barely anything given how much weddings cost. Unless we are talking about a tiny wedding with very few out of town guests then it’s more understandable, but otherwise it’s a huge inconvenience for the guests for such a small amount of money to save....
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  • Going to the chapel
    Master July 2017
    Going to the chapel ·
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    What a horrible idea. And no one is required to provide a gift, whether they attend or not.

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  • A
    Just Said Yes April 2018
    Amy ·
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    Horrible sounds a little strong for some basic math! It says you already got married... Did you receive more gifts from guests that attended or declined? I never said gifts were mandatory, it was just another way of saying $800 is not worth inconveniencing everyone important to you.

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  • H
    November 2018
    happeningmom ·
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    You picked he day that had special meaning to you....it just happened to be a Monday. Honestly it doesn’t matter what day you picked the people who want to be there will find a way and those who don’t wish to attend will blame it on the fact that it’s a Monday. Since it is a Monday I would suggest ending the event at about 9-10 pm so people can get home and in bed for work the next day. As for your FMIL you just need to stand firm and and keep your date!
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  • magnolia5
    VIP June 2019
    magnolia5 ·
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    But receiving gifts isn't why you should be having a wedding or how you should be choosing your wedding date.
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  • Jables
    Dedicated May 2019
    Jables ·
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    Same for me and my FH.... we were thinking January 2019. At first only told my mom, his mom and I mentioned it to one friend. All three said "really?" "You're brave!" They helped me realize it's not very safe for older guests if it's icy. And flights can be super unpredictable with delays and cancellations. Soooo glad we instead changed to May 2019 when the weather should be warmer but not too hot.
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  • Kiersten
    Expert February 2018
    Kiersten ·
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    I can't believe the number of responses saying you should have considered other people's schedules before picking a date. Having anyone demand that you change the date of one of the most significant events of your life to suit their schedule is nauseatingly selfish and ignorant.

    Having a Monday wedding is perfectly acceptable. The day is about you and FH. If you try to please everyone you'll only be successful in stressing yourself out and upsetting a different group of people everytime you change something. Do what is going to make You and FH happy.
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  • M
    Savvy November 2019
    Morgan ·
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    We have less than 40 people attending so yeah. That's a big factor. It's my family (8 people) His immediate family (10) and then friends, most of which are in the wedding party.
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  • M
    Savvy November 2019
    Morgan ·
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    Considering the whole wedding is coming out of our pocket, and we are trying to do it low key for under 5k, 800 is nearly 20% of our budget. We only have 40 guests as well.
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  • M
    Savvy November 2019
    Morgan ·
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    Thank you all for your responses!

    To clarify, the only people coming from out of town are my aunt and uncle (who live a state over and are retired), FH's godmother who's also retured, and his sister and her fiance (she lived here and moved away. It's her baby brother)

    Everyone else is local. The wedding is also small *currently we have 33 guests* and we have a budget of 5k because we are paying for it ourselves. Hence why 800$ is kind of a large chunk of our budget (the venue is already costing us 2800 but includes a lot).

    Mostly was just venting how rude it is of them to keep hinting we should change our plans. We picked a date, not a day. If it's that big an issue, don't come. That's kind of how we are treating it at this point.
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  • M
    Savvy November 2019
    Morgan ·
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    Also, he isn't very close with his family. As mean as it can sound, his parents kind of emotionally abandoned him for most of his life. He is more inviting them because they're his parents, not because he cares if they're there or not.
    So, for us, if it's convenient or not for them doesn't mean much. Which again, sounds mean, but it's just reality. My parents were more than okay with it since my dad's off Mondays (mom doesn't work).
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  • JNav
    Devoted September 2017
    JNav ·
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    Wow they’re so rude for trying to push your fsil engagement over your already planned wedding. Wth?!?! Out of curiosity your Monday wedding, is it a holiday weekend? I mean... I had a Thursday wedding because it was a lot more affordable than a weekend wedding. Some people went to work and left early while others had a 4 day weekend. I also let our guests know ahead of time and everyone seemed to be ok with it
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  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
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    Ummmm, what? Of course you should consider VIPs availability. If you want them at the wedding, you need to make sure they can be there.
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  • Kat
    Expert May 2019
    Kat ·
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    Completely disagree! In my opinion, what's selfish and ignorant is assuming that people will want to take time off to come to your wedding. Just because you, as the bride and groom, are willing and can easily take a couple days of work, doesn't mean your guests can or want to.

    I have never understood people being so set on getting married on a special date. Won't your wedding date become special because it is your wedding, not the other way around?

    If you are truly set on the Monday, I agree with other PPs saying to expect a lot of declines (even if people say they are ok with it now).


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  • Casey
    VIP December 2018
    Casey ·
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    I think the point is that they think they are saving money, but they might not actually save money in the grand scheme of things if they get a large number of declines who do not give a gift. She wasn't saying to pick a date based on gifts, but to understand that the money they "save" by having it on a Monday might have been made up for in guests' gifts if they had it on a weekend. If, for example, she gets 16 declines that would've attended and given $50 each had it been a Saturday, that's $800 lost.

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  • Daria
    VIP January 2019
    Daria ·
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    Just tell them the deposits have been paid so the date is set. Your intent is not to purposely inconvenience anyone, so if there are people who are not able to make it, you will miss them but understand.

    I'd let them know now extended family isn't invited, so you won't have to deal with that bucket of drama again closer to the day.

    My wedding is on a Wednesday, but we did check with our VIP list prior to booking. We are in a unique situation where almost all of our friends and much family work on weekends. (in the same industry.) There are a few more who are retired and it doesn't matter to them. Most of the others are local, and the reception will end by 9, so not a big deal. There are maybe 4-8 people who will have to take PTO, and if they can't make it, it will be ok. There is no way to please everyone in our case, so we had to go with the VIPs and the majority. The $1500 saved is a nice bonus.

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  • Alysia
    Devoted September 2018
    Alysia ·
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    When I scheduled my wedding for a Friday, my MOH told me that no one would show up because it was during the week. I think any day other than a Saturday is going to get at least someone grumbling, but if you have your reasons for booking a Monday, then go ahead and have it on a Monday. You may have a smaller guest list than you imagined, but you're the only one who can pick your wedding date.

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