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Expert October 2020

Vent: Bridesmaid Drama Already? :/ fsil drama

Shaina, on January 13, 2020 at 10:21 AM

Posted in Planning 38

This weekend I had my Hair and make up Trial. It turned out beautifully! I loved it so much. I went the whole day with it and noticed it may need to be tighter or more hairspray. Anyway the next day I decided to get more information on moving forward. I asked my bridesmaids if they would like to go...

This weekend I had my Hair and make up Trial. It turned out beautifully! I loved it so much. I went the whole day with it and noticed it may need to be tighter or more hairspray. Anyway the next day I decided to get more information on moving forward. I asked my bridesmaids if they would like to go through this place as well so they can write up the contract(they would be responsible for paying. I wish I could but it isn't in the budget). I got my answers pretty easy. Somehow the topic became, how do you want our hair to be done. It was a good question, because I haven't thought about it just yet. One of my bridesmaid brought up a good point which I fully agreed on that since my hair is up maybe theirs should be down or half up and I was like 100% on it because it would look more uniform since my bridesmaids will be having alternating colors and styles. So in the group chat my FSIL said she started to plan ahead and planned on wearing her hair up, because she doesn't want her hair to stick to her neck. I told her I understand but I will be the only one in the bridal party that has their hair up. (through the night Im pretty sure all of our hairs will need touch ups and we have a bridal suite upstairs of our venue where the girls can privately fix up). She then Private messaged me on IG and sent me an half updo that looked pretty but too bridal and I told her this is nice but maybe something with more loose curls. She then told her mom what I said i am assuming, because shortly after FH mom texted him saying something like "when you have time I would like to talk to you". We immediately felt that's what it was for. So this morning we found out yes she was complaining to her mom about it. FH stood up for me and said that the other bridesmaids are understanding that their hair will need to be down or half up, so she will just need to understand this is not her wedding. He said he told his mom that when its her wedding she can have her way. About an hour ago FSIL texted FH a long message starting with "youre a horrible selfish brother..." I don't know the rest, but it really bothered me. I feel like she is making a huge deal out of this. I am letting them pretty much pick their dress style as long as the fabric is the same, within color palette, and does not have a slit.


I understand they are paying for it, but I feel like they should be able to find a hairstyle that they like that is within what I would like the bridesmaids to look like and also similar to the other bridesmaids.


Am I being controlling?

38 Comments

  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    And I think that's totally fine for the bridesmaids who want your opinion. But for the ones that didn't ask, like your FSIL, I'd just let her do her own thing.

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  • S
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina ·
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    One example was asking to sing in the ceremony, when we have a singer and piano player already. So she asked to sing with her, because her moms sisters sang in hers. I just felt it was unnecessary and wasn't what was planned and another example of how she wants to portray her self.


    She has a good voice but I just feel it should not be about showing off on this day, but everyone was giving me a hard time so i bent down to it and agreed. My other bridesmaids have talents too, but they aren't doing that. I previously (before FSIL asked) was asked by my MTOH if I wanted her to do a dance during the reception and I already and I told her that we already have a piano playing during dinner :/ So it's like unfair to the rest of the bridal party to me.

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  • S
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina ·
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    FSIL did ask for my opinion

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  • Denise
    Devoted May 2019
    Denise ·
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    Is this the hill you want to die on?
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  • S
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina ·
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    "the hill I want to die on"? No? I just think If you are going to ask for my opinion on a hairstyle then get mad at it what is the point of asking me. I will just write them saying they can do whatever they want

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  • N
    Master January 2015
    null ·
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    If you felt it was unfair to the rest of the bridal party that your FSIL wants to sing at your ceremony, you could have said no. I don't really see how that has anything to do with dictating her hairstyle though. I just don't think this is worth potentially ruining yours and FH's relationships with his side of the family.

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  • S
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina ·
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    Okay. Yeah i will just text everyone saying they can do what they want

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  • Amber
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Amber ·
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    You are in the right here. You are the bride and you get to dictate the style. She should be okay with that. She is out of line with her behavior, especially bringing her mom into it and being rude to your FH.
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  • S
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina ·
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    Yeah. There is a separate group without me apparently and I have already got complaints about her behavior in that chat. I have tried to be a very flexible bride and honestly just feel like I am being walked on. I had very loose opinions from the beginning. They started to get tighter once it got closer to making decisions. This is all overwhelming and I hate it. I don't want the drama so I thought having loose expectations would be better. Looser made it worse so I started to make some ideas for them or some foundation or structure but its like I can't ever get it to be neutral. She has not been the biggest fan of me from the start and I feel like there are things shes doing on purpose even before she was in the wedding she would throw me under the bus soo many times even for things she did and I have done nothing but try to make her at least like me. Nothing I do is ever enough. I just went ahead and texted them that " Also additional side note. You all are paying for your beauty on that day. So it is up to you on how you want to wear your hair and make up. If you truly want my opinion on it just let me know and I will give you my my honest opinion on how I feel about it. Whether its up, down, half up etc up to you."

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  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
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    I think she is overreacting, but she’s not wrong and you are being too controlling. If you want a specific hair look, you need to pay for it for everyone. But I feel like choosing other girls’ hairstyles is always a bit much for me— hair is so personal and different, what works for some won’t work for others. I’m not a very dramatic individual— I can roll with the punches and would generally rather please someone than speak up for myself — but if a bride was requiring me to wear my hair down or half down for a wedding, I would probably request an exemption and if not granted, possibly step down, because I find it so outrageously uncomfortable to have my hair down for any length of time, and I am constantly fidgeting to get it pulled back and out of my face if I have it down. My down styles only last a few minutes comfort wise and don’t look good for long either.


    I think she is being dramatic by being so rude to her brother and by complaining to her mom (if you want to resolve a conflict, talk to me not my FMIL!!), but I also really don’t think this is a gull to die on. Your guests won’t be paying any attention to your bridesmaids’ hair, so I’d let them choose what looks good and feels comfortable.
    My girls also had an “Ohh what should we do for hairstyle?!” conversation in a group chat and 2 were getting excited about up dos, and another one said “well my hair really only does one thing...”— she only ever wears it down. I told them it was all up to them, they could do whatever they wanted. They debated a few minutes amongst themselves if they all wanted to do the same hair and decided they each felt more strongly about having the best style for them. They all looked wonderful. They had the same color dresses but in different styles, and their individually styled hair went great with their individually styled dresses! Also to be honest, If you’re still letting them pick different styles just half up or down, they’ll all have differently styled hair and it really still won’t really be a uniform look.
    I would let them choose their hair. I’m sorry she’s being so obnoxious about it though. Tbh dealing with an overreaction like that would make me WANT to stand my ground and not give in even if my mind was swayed 🙊. But at the end of the day, this girl is gonna be in your life forever with this marriage, so the best move is to be the bigger person and let it go. I’d probably design it so it doesn’t feel like a personal victory for her though ...instead of saying “fine, do what you want!” id continue in the group chat saying you decided any style is fine or whatever.

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  • S
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina ·
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    Well said. I agree.. In the beginning I didn't care until someone brought it up and I was like yeah youre right lets do that. I didnt care the style of the up do though. I understand my bridesmaids are different shapes and sizes and personalities so I try to make it easier for them, but I can never please anyone. I am afraid on how it will go when we go bridesmaid dress shopping... The way she went about it seemed very child like and she should have went to me about it not my FMIL. I agree. I wanted to stand my ground but was bombarded so I was like wow F it. and texted the group " Also additional side note. You all are paying for your beauty on that day. So it is up to you on how you want to wear your hair and make up. If you truly want my opinion on it just let me know and I will give you my my honest opinion on how I feel about it. Whether its up, down, half up etc up to you."

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  • Katlynbriggs1023
    Savvy October 2021
    Katlynbriggs1023 ·
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    It is you and your soon to be husbands wedding day and so if you want them to have a certain look or hairstyle it is okay. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have your hair different then your bridesmaids. Especially when it comes to the sister situation, I can relate on SO many levels. My fiancé’s sister is the exact same way and to be honest it probably isn’t even about the hair style choice really it’s that you two are gonna have a beautiful and amazing wedding and she hasn’t had that yet. My fiancé’s sister pulls something like this during every occasion and I’m sorry you are having the same situation, but it’s your day and you deserve what you want/like and I hope everything works out.
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  • S
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina ·
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    Oh Man. Yeah That is where I was trying to get at with some of my points with my responses. She does this a lot. Around the time we got engaged she posted a photo of her in this huge prom dress she wore in high school. It was weird. Just weird. She also told me she already has her colors picked out and how she wants her wedding etc, but she doesn't have a boyfriend. This Christmas at their house the aunt brought over a song to sing and everyone in her family knows she can sing and I can too but I am weird when it comes to stuff like singing in public so everyone can hear me sing. But I just decided f it I will do it everyone got quiet and she started singing louder im like okay chill I get it you're the singer and I just stopped, because it was just unnecessary. I am not trying to compete with her but it feels like she is -.-.

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  • Katlynbriggs1023
    Savvy October 2021
    Katlynbriggs1023 ·
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    Oh my goodness our soon to be sister in laws sound the exact same. Mine is also a singer and yes when I read your post I completely understood. Mine is always nudging her way into everything and making everything about her when.... there are reasons we don’t involve her. I don’t know exactly how your fiancé’s family is, but I will most definitely not be having my fiancé’s sister as a bridesmaid and he is perfectly fine with it.
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  • S
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina ·
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    Well. she is a bridesmaid because its my FH sister. I was leaning towards a no when adding her, but I didn't know if it would make it normal as usual or just worse. I told FH well if she continues to act the way she does, being fired is still an option. He was fine with me not adding her at all but i was telling him how bad I would feel. I am LITERALLY nothing but nice to her and try to show her she has no reason to act the way she does. But I honestly feel like she feels I am taking "her favorite brother away from her." -.-

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  • Katlynbriggs1023
    Savvy October 2021
    Katlynbriggs1023 ·
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    I can not tell you enough how similar we sound. I am the same way with my fiancé’s sister and she continues to be rude and disrespectful. I also thought about you thought process and I came to the conclusion that I highly doubt she will ever change so why let her try and ruin our day and give her the honor of standing next to us. We had been together for three years and then she told my fiancé’s mom that I took him away from her and said she hated me and stared causing utter chaos and has never apologized or anything. I feel like people and especially people like that have choices. They can choice you be nice and respectful or be that way and she has made her choice and so we have made our... ya know ?
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  • Sarah
    Savvy May 2022
    Sarah ·
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    I think that hairstyle is fine for a bridesmaid. I understand wanting them to have a different style than you but you did say half up would be fine. And I don’t think it looks to bridal, plus she’s paying for it. She changed it from up to half up like you asked I would give up the fight and just let her do it this way. Btw I’m also having bridesmaids do hairstyles that go with each other but their also doing their own hair because their good at it.
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  • S
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina ·
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    Yeah they know they can do what hairstyle suits them.

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