Unwanted guest

Ugh this is a hard one, I m sorry that happened to you. She does not seem like a good friend to you and I understand why you do not want this person in your life. It is hard that she is dating your fiancé's brother as you are bound to be at some of the same events. Are you saying your fiance thinks she needs to be a bridesmaid if his brother is in the bridal party? Absolutely not groomsmen partners are not automatically a part of the bridal party too but she should probably be invited as a guest. Splitting up a couple is frowned upon but ultimately the choice is yours and your fiancé's but know if you don't invite her you may be permanently changing your relationship with your future brother in law and your fiancé's relationship with him. My best advice you to is try to be civil with her but definitely keep her at a distance. You do not need to include her in family photos or invite her to your bridal shower she is a guest of a guest. Can you nix the estate idea and just get a hotel block so there is a little more space between people. My hope for you is that she realizes she should not go. Best of luck to you try not to let her ruin your happy times!

View Quoted Comment We have both agreed that neither of us even want her at the wedding. But he thinks that we need to by default include her in everything to not "upset" his brother ... such as allowing her to stay in the estate that WE are paying for and including her in ALL wedding related activities just bc she is dating his brother. How is that fair to me?? It's MY wedding, not his brother's wedding. Why do I have to sacrifice my happiness or comfort on my wedding day to appease his brother? That makes no sense to me. He didn't say I need to make her a braidsmaid but that she should be allowed in all activities. I tried to be civil w her at the beginning... I just started distancing myself when I found out she was talking behind my back. She took it upon herself to create stories and harass my friends at work to the point where they want nothing to do with her. She's been personally toxic to not just me, but my close friends and even insults my fiancé. I'm not going to devalue myself by allowing her to ruin my day.

If it helps. We haven't sent any invites yet and are still figuring out the guest list. So its not like she was already invited and we are "uninviting" her. Shes literally an unwanted guest. We want a small intimate wedding. I said we aren't obligated to invite plus ones.

Are you both prepared for his brother not to attend if his long term girlfriend isn't invited? She isn't a plus one because she's a significant other and those aren't the same thing. I can definitely understand not wanting her there, but I think it's important to go into that decision knowing that his brother (and possibly other family members depending on how it goes down) may decline if she isn't invited.

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The problem is she isn't a "plus one," she's the SO of an honored guest. You're unfortunately going to have to invite her to the wedding, and if you move ahead with renting the estate, then she would obviously be staying there and take part in any events over the weekend you're there. You do NOT have to invite her to your shower, bachelorette, etc.

Honestly, I would reevaluate the estate idea and make a block of rooms to provide distance. Unfortunately, any event that involves your wedding party (and their dates) is going to have to include her, so I would also think about how many events you're hosting.

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It is terrible that this is causing both you and your fiance distress. I am not defending her or her actions by any means and I think your fiancé is in a bit of a sticky situation here. Does his brother know you both don't want her there, maybe he is fine with her not attending to avoid any drama, There is so much debate about what is proper etiquette when comes to inviting partners to a wedding. Especially when one of those people are in your bridal party. Personally I would invite her to the wedding but petty me would want to address the envelope plus one and not her name but I would not invite her to anything else. The only events I would include her in is the wedding and rehearsal dinner, I would not be offering to pay for their room, are there any nearby hotels block off some rooms and have them stay there maybe nix the estate idea (would save you some money and possibly stress) Try not to let her toxic energy get to you(much easier said then done), wishing you all the best

I am usually on team “invite the spouse”, but this is definitely an exception. My concern would be her making life even more miserable for you at work (if I’m reading correctly, it sounds as though you work together?), and there’s not much worse than being miserable every day at work. Your wedding is still 7 months out, so you still have tons of time before you have to make final decisions on invitations. I would try to find a way to come to peace with her before then. The 2 of you don’t need to be besties, or even friends, just at peace. I know it may mean swallowing your pride and being the first one to reach out, but it would be better in the long run for everyone; including you. And you attempting to smooth things over will be good ammo if she refuses to be cordial, because then you can point out that fact with your FBIL if you end up not inviting her to some of the wedding activities.

If she is his brothers serious girlfriend, she needs to be invited. Otherwise, his brother may not come. I wouldn't (if my significant other was excluded) attend and it would change my relationship with my brother moving forward. What if his whole family has to take sides? What if they choose her over you and your fiancé loses his whole family. resentment would build.

I understand where you are coming from. But, you also need to see that although what you are asking your fiancé to do seems small to you (in that you should be able to pick the guests at your own wedding); it may be a much larger issue in the scheme of his and your relationship to his family moving forward.

So we're kind of dealing with a similar situation right now. My grandma's boyfriend of over a year isn't great and many of us are concerned that he's manipulating her. That combined with the fact that they started dating 6 months after my grandpa died makes it so I have really no desire to have him at our wedding. Went back and forth for like a year about it and just recently decided to tell my grandma that he's not invited. She's now not staying for our reception and has said many terrible things about me to not only me but our whole family and I'm so sick of dealing with it and want her at the reception that I'm about ready to be like "whatever, let him come and I'll ignore him day of. I'm over it."

I can definitely see similar things happening with his brother if you don't invite this girl. And honestly, the stress and arguments leading up to your wedding might not be worth it. The main difference here is that at least in my case my comfort is based on how much I want my own family member to be there. With your situation, to make yourself comfortable you have to exclude someone who is going to possibly hurt your fiancé's relationship with his brother. What if his brother refuses to come? Going through what I am now, I'd say just let her be invited. As someone else mentioned, maybe try and find different lodging for them so they're not with you all weekend and try to keep your distance. But this might not be the best way to start out your relationships with your fiancé's family as someone who is newly married in.

This is such a tough situation for you. I do feel for you. She is his significant other though and not a plus 1. She does need to be invited to the ceremony and reception. However, you're not obligated to make space for them at the house you're renting. I would definitely change the plan around that. You're allowed to have boundaries. I would arrange the seating so that you'll spend the least amount of time with her that is possible.

To be fair, if his brother is serious about her, she may end up around for a very long time. Not sure you want to give her more ammo against you. She sounds insufferable, and I'm sorry she's not a better person.

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Agreeing completely with this. I usually say unless someone poses a physical threat, you can't only invite half of a couple.

However I say that because this is a person who betrayed you and has gone out of their way to be toxic and inappropriately meddling in your life, I personally would absolutely NOT invite her. If the brother doesn't understand why she isn't invited, he's either not paying attention to her behavior or in denial about it. This is YOUR day and you do not need her risking ruining it for you. You'll never get that day back if she does.

She is a significant other, not a plus one. While her behavior is atrocious, the only thing you can do is set and maintain boundaries with fiancé supporting your boundaries as a united front. If a significant other or any guest is violent/abusive/criminal, then you are within your rights to revoke the invitation. But because it sounds like your fiancé is supportive of this relationship and her behavior, he is not taking your feelings into consideration and that comes across as a red flag, If fiancé and brother truly don’t see anything wrong with what she is doing, that is on them, not you. Is there anyone in his family who can mediate to diffuse this situation? Avoid and ignore her at all costs because she only has as much power to bully you as you allow her. Best of luck

Wow. I understand your frustration. Well the toxic lady is a plus ➕️ 1. Will the other guest bring a partner??. Hmmm.....ok I'll keep it simple. Say this weekend event is for family and wedding party, anyone outside of that will have to pay a fee.....that may slow her down. She may not come.
She needs to know that you all don't blend good together and she is not your cup of tea. If it were me. I would straight up tell her. We are not friends nor do I want to be. But I'll always be cordial.
I just think honesty is best. It's okay to let people know how you feel and to draw a line. I personally wouldn't want this crap in my life wedding. Work. Or weekend event. Hope it all works out for yall, and no more tears.💜

View Quoted Comment Bro in law tripping. She could go to engagement party wedding and reception like a normal ➕️ 1.
Other events/parties bridal shower Bachelorette party. Rehearsals dress shopping etc. She better find sum to do cause she not COMING! that's what bro inlaw need to understand.

I totally understand not wanting her there, and if it was a less significant guest whose attendance wouldn't make a difference, I'd say to hold firm on not inviting her, but as it involves your fiancé's brother, who is also a groomsman, it's a really tough spot to be in.

Would it be possible to come to some kind of compromise? Maybe have your fiancé express to his brother how uncomfortable you are with having her there for the weekend after everything she's done, and that she needs to apologize and stop harassing you at work before you'd be okay with her coming? Then if she does keep acting this way, you've at least tried to make an effort and she/ the brother will only have her actions to blame if they can't attend together.

I do think it would be a good idea not to include them in the estate stay. Either booking something different or just limiting the group would be a good idea.

Well, an easy out of this is significant others can only be included if they are engaged or married by the time the invites have been set. I had a friend do this right before I got engaged and literally a moth later I got the ring. My fiancé still couldn’t go because of their rule which we both understood and respected. Of course this may cut out and upset some other guests, but it would work to take care of that issue. Obviously if you know both halves of couples then that works as you are close to both, but if not then enforce it all the way around. No one can argue with that then.

She’s your future brother-in-law’s girlfriend. Not his fiancée. Not his wife. It is your and your FH’s day, not his. This would be one thing if your ex-friend was now your sister-in-law, but she isn’t, and I don’t think it’s right to ruin an entire weekend over what may be a temporary attachment on your FBIL’s part. Frankly, she could be using him to maintain a degree of control over you, and not inviting her to the wedding may communicate that dating your FBIL does not afford her such control or access.


Personally, I think your fiancé needs to communicate to his brother that — while you both love and care for him — neither of you are comfortable having someone who actively disrespects the two of you and actively discourages your union at a once-in-a-lifetime event that is, ironically, in your honor and a celebration and show of support of said union. I would explain that, should their relationship progress to something more at a later date, new concessions could potentially be revisited, but his as-of-yet permanent love interest will not be permitted to have a presence at your life event.