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Expert May 2018

Unwanted guest (sorry it’s long)

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xRApril, on February 11, 2018 at 8:16 AM

So I work with this woman who is about 10 years older than me. She’s one of those types of people that has to be right about everything. Can’t even say the sky is blue without being told why I’m wrong kind of deal. She is rude and very disrespectful. For example, I remember when I bought my house she wanted to come see it, and first thing she did was grab my dog by the snout and say she had to let her know who the boss is. She is really unpleasant to be around and no one likes her at all. I’ve had several other people that are in the bridal party and some guests that will be invited ask me if I’m inviting her. My answer is no because I don’t want to be around her negativity on such a special day. Plus I’m terrified she’s going to criticize someone and start a big argument. And it could literally be anything, from not liking my niece’s names (they are twins and she doesn’t like that the names start with the same letter, she told me only an idiot would do that to a child) to a bridesmaids hair (also a coworker that is bullied by this girl). FH doesn’t want her there either.
So here’s the issue...she already invited herself! She told me at work that she already has a babysitter since her son is allergic to peanuts and she can’t risk his health. I pointed out that management doesn’t want me to invite a lot of coworkers because they can’t give everyone the night off (we work third shift). She responded with “Well it’s good I’m always up at that time anyway.” Then she sent me her address so I can mail her invite. I’m just flabbergasted that she did that! The problem is, if I don’t send her an invitation she will just crash it anyway like she has done my annual cookout in the past. I only invited a few co workers, and she showed up with her mom and just went right up to the food and started eating. Didn’t say a word to anyone the whole time. Everyone was so surprised when she showed up and did that. I feel like I can’t tell her no because I work with her very closely 3 days a week and I can’t handle the awkwardness. And if I don’t invite her she will show up anyway. So do I just have her come and hope she behaves? Or tell her in advance that I won’t tolerate her rude behavior? Or tell her I’m sorry but I don’t feel comfortable inviting her? I need a nice way to go about it because of the work situation...

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41 Comments

Expert June 2018
Adrianna · on February 11, 2018 at 10:20 AM
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Tell her she isn't invited and make sure security at your venue knows too
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VIP June 2018
PrincessLawrence · on February 11, 2018 at 10:20 AM
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If I were in your shoes I would be blunt. I would say you are not invited as i have a very strict guest list and that if she decides to show she will be escorted out
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Super August 2018
Anvenette · on February 11, 2018 at 10:30 AM
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Simply tell her no i did not invite you and those who do show up univited will be escorted out. I made that very clear on my end and i even have a guard as well. Its your day no negativity is needed
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Devoted August 2018
Kelly · on February 11, 2018 at 10:46 AM
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Don't invite her. Tell her you can't fit anyone else in because of the size of the venue and don't tell her any information about the time and place of your wedding (and make sure everyone else who is invited doesn't tell her anything either). She sounds like an awful person (also, I'm a twin and my sister and I both have names that start with the same letter. She's stupid for thinking that would be an issue).
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Just Said Yes September 2019
Heavenly · on February 11, 2018 at 10:58 AM
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There is a simple way to say no. Just say she is not invited. And if you want to go into detail, explain why. Don't let her be in control. You are allowing her to dictate YOUR invitation list. This is not okay. And your examples just blow my mind of how much of a nut ball she sounds. Personally I would have her escorted of the premises if she ever tried pulling that little stunt and just showed up and trying hammering down on some food, but that's just me. She's sounds very inconsiderate, and allowing her to get away with it is probably prompting her every next move. Time to just flat out tell her the way it is. Get HR involved. She is forcing herself into your personal life and it's making you uncomfortable and in the work environment, is unacceptable.
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VIP May 2018
Ashley · on February 11, 2018 at 11:29 AM
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Hire security, give them her picture.
dont invite her. I wouldn’t invite anyone from work if that was the case
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Dedicated October 2019
Joining of the Factions · on February 11, 2018 at 11:47 AM
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Having the same issue here! I am not inviting one of the stylists to my wedding (I manage a wig salon), mostly because of his behavior towards my FH (hates him because FH did not agree with him about something....I'm not kidding). I don't want that kind of stress at my wedding and certainly don't want to make FH uncomfortable on our day. Apparently this coworker just assumes he's coming to the wedding (even though he has publicly told clients that he doesn't support my upcoming wedding) and has even told the other employees that he'll "just show up, what's she going to do? Throw me out? That would be rude!".

Needless to say, you have to be assertive and have a just-in-case plan in action: we've made sure to let the salon owner know of the situation (they'll make sure he's booked for the day) so they'll keep an eye out for reprisals, and we're also planning to make sure the venue and our immediate families know that this person is NOT an invited guest. Unfortunately you have to be very direct with these kinds of people and, when they still don't get it, ensure that they don't get their way/pull the victim card. It's your wedding, not theirs. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but seriously, what goes through these people's heads that makes them think they can just invite themselves/do what they want because to do otherwise is rude/insulting? Sorry about the rant, but these kinds of people really fry my Bacon.... 😫
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VIP May 2018
plangalCG · on February 11, 2018 at 1:11 PM
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OMG, what a nightmare!!!! I’d say, sorry, you aren’t invited. Period. No is a full sentence. You don’t have to say why. And get a bouncer! Or at least someone to play interference so that she doesn’t crash! What a winner! Ugh!
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VIP May 2018
plangalCG · on February 11, 2018 at 1:13 PM
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I’d grab her by the snout and tell HER who’s in control. This makes me angry for you!!!
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Master October 2017
LillyBean17 · on February 11, 2018 at 1:20 PM
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People need to stop being so nice to others that have no boundaries. It's ingrained in us, especially women, to be nice even when others aren't nice to us. This website is a perfect example of that. Time to stop worrying about other people's feelings and start putting yourself first. "No, you're not invited to my wedding because your behavior is toxic and makes me uncomfortable". These kinds of people need direct, assertive phrasing and not something that beats around the bush like "ohh... I can only invite so many people because of work policy..." because then Sally says she can't come so this crazy bee says I'll take her spot!- Which leaves you.... where exactly? Right back in this guilt cycle you found yourself in now.
Tell her "no" in no uncertain terms. Give your HR or supervisor a heads up that you've had issues with this woman and you anticipate more because of this recent situation.
And seriously ladies, start sticking up for yourselves and stop worrying about what's rude and what's expected of you.
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Super November 2018
Susan · on February 11, 2018 at 1:23 PM
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No is a complete sentence. You don’t owe her any explanation.
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Master July 2018
RZ_ToBe · on February 11, 2018 at 1:28 PM
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First, get some ushers. Have them throw her out if she tries to crash the wedding. Give them permission to call the cops if she throws a huge fit. Pay no attention to her.

You need to tell her she is not invited and it was rather rude to assume she was. I hope you never mentioned the time and place of your wedding. Forget the awkwardness, put your foot down and tell her no.

Contact HR next. Explain how she makes the work environment uncomfortable and she has pushed far beyond what is acceptable for a coworker relationship. Get a paper trail going.

I get not wanting things to get weird with someone you work with, but you've been a doormat for far too long. Step it up and tell her no.
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Super March 2019
Nisa · on February 11, 2018 at 2:09 PM
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Thiiiiiis! Seriously it's your day
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Dedicated August 2019
Arosejp · on February 11, 2018 at 2:36 PM
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Whoa shes psycho and I'd be scared!. Id freaking move away.
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VIP May 2018
PBiazinha · on February 11, 2018 at 2:55 PM
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Let her know that it is a no. “We couldn’t invite everyone we wanted” it’s too vague and she might think she was one of the wanted ones that didn’t make the cut: she’s not wanted. No. Another important thing when dealing with situations like this: don’t over explain yourself. Why would you do that? Do you owe her anything ? You don’t have to find an excuse not to invite her, she’s not invited, period. If she asks why you tell her you invited close friends and family only, maybe then she’ll understand that she doesn’t belong on that group. if she insists, tell her she has behaved in a way you’re not comfortable in the past and you rather keep your relation strictly professional at this point. That’s that. Yes I would make HR aware, just in case. No, they cannot solve the issue for you, but if she starts giving you a hard time at the workplace at least you’ve already said something and they are in the know. This person seem to not understand boundaries but she also hasn’t been given clear signs that people don’t want her around.
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Super October 2018
MaltedMilk · on February 11, 2018 at 2:58 PM
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Everything LillyBean17 said. Especially the last line. I am much more blunt than a lot of people. I would get HR involved in the work end, or at least tell her, up front and in front of someone else, "Look, you are making me VERY uncomfortable with your pushing yourself on my personal life." Be with someone as she will twist what you say, have a witness. No being vague, no gray area: "You are not invited."
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VIP October 2018
Kaye · on February 11, 2018 at 5:29 PM
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She sounds just horrible. That sucks. I can't imagine having a coworker who crashes my parties, let alone my wedding.
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Super August 2019
Bianca · on February 11, 2018 at 7:39 PM
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This is your special day and she will ruin it. Just tell her the truth (nicely) and let that be that. No one should have someone at their wedding who is unwelcomed.
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Expert September 2018
catobx · on February 11, 2018 at 11:14 PM
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Dang. This borders on 'restraining order' type of behavior. But yeah that would stir up a mess. I think you need to be firm with her and tell her your budget just doesn't allow for everyone you would have wanted to invite and you chose to invite those closest to you. If she gives you pushback, take it up with your boss. Tell them that she is behaving inappropriately and it is bordering on scary. She has some issues.
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