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Beginner August 2022

Unsure how to handle my jealous maid of honour

Michelle, on July 31, 2022 at 12:11 PM Posted in Planning 0 17
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Hi all, I’d really appreciate some words of advice. I’m getting married in a few weeks and my maid of honour is a close friend of about 20 years (since we were teenagers). She’s never been the jealous type but in the last couple of months she’s become very petty and nasty, and has completely made the bridal party events all about her. We had a hair/make up trial weekend where she’d taken the mick a lot because I have alopecia, so I was very worried about the hair trial anyway, and she kept laughing and joking about my ‘wigs’ (even after I called them hair pieces and asked her not to laugh because it’s a very upsetting medical condition). She also tried to say she wanted bigger hair and make up than mine, and insisted we drink Prosecco the morning of the wedding because she doesn’t like champagne (even though I’m a bride and wanted to buy some nice champagne for the morning of the wedding). She also came to a bridal spa day and was in a bad mood so put a dampener on the dat for everyone, and has constantly made rude comments about my income after I told her I was paying for certain things to say thank you for organising a lot of things like the hen do. For example I paid for hotel rooms for one night, and she made comments that clearly I earn too much so perhaps I should pay then. She has a lot going on personally which I understand, and I’ve told her I want to be there as a friend, but it feels like her mood overshadows the times we spend together and I’m worried the same thing will happen on my wedding day. Equally I don’t want to hurt her or ruin our friendship. Any wise words please? Thanks!

17 Comments

Latest activity by Mrs.evans, on August 2, 2022 at 9:28 PM
  • Sharon
    Super September 2021
    Sharon ·
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    I'n sorry you're dealing with this. Is she normally like this? If not, maybe she's afraid of losing you and your friendship after you get married and is acting out. Have you spoken to her about this?
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Weddings bring out the best and worst in people. I would suggest having her less involved in things moving forward. She doesn't have to do anything but get the dress and show up anyway.

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  • Mrs.evans
    VIP October 2022
    Mrs.evans ·
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    Hello she ruined the friendship when she did all of those hurtful things to you my dear. It's not her wedding it's yours. And I understand about the hair medical situation I deal with it as well. But its turning its self around but if you are worried about her doing these things you need to dismiss her from her duties. You are supposed to be happy with your wedding day approaching and she has said and done alot of hurtful things already from whT you have told us. Find someone else to step in you don't need that disrespectful behavior. Have you tooken her to the side or spoken to her about her behavior. Dont have no ruin that day for you
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  • Makeba
    Devoted September 2022
    Makeba ·
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    Please have a conversation with her, this day is supposed to be special for us! Don’t let anyone ruin it.
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  • Bailey
    Expert October 2023
    Bailey ·
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    I would have a one-on-one with her and let her know that her attitude is becoming an issue, and ask her if something is going on- be gentle, because jealousy is usually backed up with charged feelings. I would be honest with how her comments have been inappropriate, and take her response as your answer on what to do next.

    I disagree with the whole, "you can't demote her, it'll ruin your friendship forever" popular WW response. If I was a MOH, or BM, and the bride (not bridezilla, which it doesn't sound like you have been one) felt so strongly about my actions that she asked me to step down, I would do some SERIOUS internal evaluations, as any good friend would. Being in a wedding is an honor, not a right, regardless of friendship longevity.

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  • Ashlee
    Super September 2022
    Ashlee ·
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    I agree with Bailey, if one of my so called close friends made fun of me for a medical condition I can't control AND I'm self conscious about AFTER asking not to continue, that would be something I'd consider as friendship ruining more than me asking them to no longer be in my wedding party. You want people who will support you, lift you up and hype you up for your big day, not someone who is doing everything to bring you down.

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  • Erin
    Super May 2022
    Erin ·
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    Agree with Bailey and Ashlee. Usually I see brides on WW wanting to demote a MOH or BM because they “won’t help plan or decorate” which is a bit much, but making fun of your medical condition and in front of everyone? Whoa. No. I’m impressed you got through those events with her already. Ask to talk soon and let her know calmly and objectively that her actions are hurting you. If she doesn’t realize at that point that she’s been disrespectful, I wouldn’t feel obligated to keep her in the wedding party.
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  • Valerie
    Dedicated April 2023
    Valerie ·
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    I wouldn't keep anyone in my life who treated me this way let alone let them stay in my bridal party. This is very abnormal and embarrassingly immature behavior and I hope you all are young, because otherwise holy crap. In your 20s, I know you put up with a LOT from people. I am almost 40 now and the more toxic people I have finally cut out of my life, the happier I have become. I no longer speak to the MoH from my first wedding, and it's the best decision I ever made. I hope she chills out before you have to make some difficult decisions Smiley heart

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  • M
    Beginner August 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Thanks for commenting - she isn’t normally as cutting as this although her jokes can be blunt at times. But she isn’t normally cruel. She won’t speak to me but I’ve asked through messages whether something is wrong, and she is just saying she has things to sort out in her personal life and she isn’t able to talk to me. It’s making me very nervous if we can’t sort things out before the wedding
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  • M
    Beginner August 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Thanks - yes I think she’ll be kept as far away from me as possible but the anticipation of how she might act on the wedding day itself is a concern to me now
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  • M
    Beginner August 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Thanks for commenting and I’m so sorry you have to deal with alopecia too, I’m really glad to hear it’s turning itself around. I guess the concern is if I ask her to just come as a guest that she won’t come to the wedding at all and our friendship will be over. But to be honest, I guess she has shown her true colours and the fact she’s making me this worried in the weeks before my wedding is a very bad sign. I’ve tried talking to her but she hates conflict and refuses to speak about things, so I’ve messaged her to say I’ve been very hurt by what’s happened. She has half apologised and sort of blamed her actions on her personal issues, but I think the worry is even though she’s apologised, she can’t usually set her feelings aside, so if she’s angry with me it’ll be very obvious and awkward on the wedding day. I’ve asked her to speak with me soon so I can gauge her behaviour but so far she’s refusing to speak with me.
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  • M
    Beginner August 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Thank you - I’ve tried speaking and she is refusing to talk to me so I can’t tell what kind of mood she’ll be in on the wedding day and it’s making me very worried.
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  • M
    Beginner August 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Thank you - she is currently refusing to speak so we’ve messaged a bit so I could tell her how upset she’s made me. She has half apologised, half blamed her actions on personal issues and is now ignoring my requests for a call before the wedding. We live too far apart for me to just pop over to see her, and the lack of communication is making me very worried that she’ll be in a bad mood on the wedding day and put a dampener on things. In which case I think I’d need to ask her to leave or go join the guests instead.
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  • M
    Beginner August 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Thank you - I must admit I was really shocked by her behaviour and it has made me question our friendship after the wedding. I think the other thing is that I have no family, and no other bridesmaids, so I feel strange having no one there if I have to ask her not to be my maid of honour. I have friends coming as guests but I wouldn’t replace her because I wouldn’t want another friend to feel like a second choice. But I have my future mother in law with me for the morning who I’m very close to, so I won’t be alone, so maybe I’d be better off without my maid of honour. It’s difficult, she has really disrespected me but I have very few people in my life right now. My best friend is my future husband, and I should be focused on that but her actions are making me worried about her instead, which is crazy.
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  • M
    Beginner August 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Thank you - I’ve tried speaking with her and she’s refusing to talk. We’ve messaged so I’ve told her how hurt I am about her comments and she has half apologised, half blamed personal issues for her behaviour, which makes me worry she can’t put her own concerns aside and just be happy for me for one day. She’s also refusing to speak before the wedding, which means I have no way of knowing what kind of mood she’ll be in on the day. I’m torn between not wanting any hassle and being aware that I have no family at all, and feeling very disrespected by her and feeling like I deserve a great day and she shouldn’t get to put a dampener on things.
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  • M
    Beginner August 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Thank you - I must admit, despite having no family, I have thought about whether we can be friends long term, because I’m so shocked by her behaviour. The crazy thing is we’re both early 30s (old enough to know better!), but she hates conflict and refuses to speak about things. I’ve messaged her to say I’m very hurt by her comments and she half apologised but also half blamed personal issues for her behaviour. She is refusing to speak before the wedding, and I’m not sure it’s worth me stressing about what kind of mood she’ll be in on the wedding day. I do feel very annoyed as well because if it was her wedding, I’d turn up with a smile regardless of anything going on in my life, because it’s just one day to get through. The fact she won’t talk means I’m now worried about her putting a dampener on things, and that would mean I’d have to tell her to leave or join the guests and step down on the day itself, which I don’t want on my wedding day. It’s crazy what weddings will do to people!
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  • Mrs.evans
    VIP October 2022
    Mrs.evans ·
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    Thank you Michelle its alittle bit of growth but enough that I was able to put crochet braids in. And I hope that you will have a turn as well. Now as far as this women she basically already gave you her answer when she could not even reach back out to you. That your feeling really didn't count because of some personal issues that she may have. Then giving you a half apology I dont want to feel like you have to deal with her issues. Now if she was feeling some type of way then she should have never accepted the role if she wasn't going to really be genuine. And not embarrasse you like that and killing your events so I will just relieve her from the wedding. Because on your wedding day you should anguish to get to your groom. So my dear I wish you nothing but happiness and blessing
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