You're on our mind during COVID-19. See our related wedding FAQs.

Destiny
Just Said Yes July 2021

Unsure about best man

Destiny, on February 12, 2020 at 6:00 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 19
Saved Save
Reply
My fiancé has chosen his childhood best friend to be his best man, but I believe he made the wrong decision. The best man has shown no interest in planning the bachelor party, none of the other groomsmen like him, and I feel that he is unreliable. They barely see each other, and the best man only makes an effort to come around when it is convenient for him. The last time we actually saw him in person was because he wanted help, but since then hasn’t asked to come see us. He didn’t even make an attempt to come to the dinner where my fiancé proposed to me, and he knew about the event. We are planning an engagement party in April and all of the bridesmaids and groomsmen are so excited but the BM’s response was “I’ll see if I have anything happening that day, I’ll do my best” but any other time we ask why he’s never around he says it’s because he doesn’t do much of anything. So it’s confusing that he says he never goes out, but might be unavailable for something basically 2 months from now. I feel that he makes my fiancé feel like a back up plan more than a priority and I feel that my fiancé deserves better for his wedding. The other groomsmen don’t even trust that the best man will even show up for the bachelor party, let alone plan it. I just need to know based off this information should my fiancé choose another best man before it’s too late?

19 Comments

  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    It's not your job to choose a best man for your fiance. That is his decision. Honestly. I wouldn't get involved and you know what? Maybe he didn't make the best decision, but that is your fiance's decision. Maybe you can ask the other groomsmen to coordinate a bachelor party and that's okay. It doesn't have to solely fall on the shoulders of the best man rather the groomsmen can get together and organize something. The thing is with his with your fiance is that if he does remove my best man, they may no longer be friends. So that's what your husband decide. Does he Does. He want to continue the friendship or not. In regards to that. The only thing I would suggest you do is encourage the other groomsmen to organize a bachelor party and that is it. Do not step in and tell the best man that you should step down.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    VIP September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    This isn’t your call at all. Also, why would he be excited about planning a bachelor party over a year away from now? I’ve never seen a bachelor party planned more than a few months in advance and always much closer to the wedding. Having a backup plan isn’t necessary- a best man isn’t a requirement.
    • Reply
  • Destiny
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Destiny ·
    • Flag
    Maybe I worded this wrong, but I never meant to say it was MY decision to pick a new best man. My fiancé feels exactly the same way I do. I would never step in to make a decision that it clearly his I just needed to express OUR frustrations. Most of his groomsmen have kids and he wants to travel out of town and we know money is an issue so at least coming up with ideas early will help them budget better.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    VIP September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Then just have him have the groomsmen plan the bachelor party. It doesn’t need to be the best man who does it.
    • Reply
  • Destiny
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Destiny ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Then what about everything else? Because the bachelor party is one small detail listed with all of our other concerns but seems to be the only detail that is being focused on.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    VIP September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    What other details? Pre-wedding events aren’t a requirement. He doesn’t have to attend your engagement party. He has to get the attire and be at the wedding.
    • Reply
  • Destiny
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Destiny ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    We just have different views on what the best man should be involved in.
    • Reply
  • Sherry
    Rockstar September 2019
    Sherry ·
    • Flag

    This isn't your choice to make. Your FH gets to pick whoever he wants, you don't have to like it or think its a good choice. Your FH just has to give him the info he needs for his clothing, the deadline to order it and hope he gets it in time for the wedding.

    • Reply
  • Destiny
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Destiny ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    When did I say it was my choice? It’s his and he’s just as concerned as I am.
    • Reply
  • Neeva
    Super September 2020
    Neeva Online ·
    • Flag

    No he should not pick a best man, it will end his friendship with his current best man. So unfortunately he is stuck with the decision he made.

    While it would be nice if he planned the bachelor party, the other groomsmen can step in to help with this.

    While it would be nice if he was more interested and would attend other pre-wedding events, he clearly is not interested or able to for personal reasons.

    Demoting him is not going to fix any of these problems but rather end a friendship so I would not advise it at all.

    • Reply
  • Latonya
    Devoted April 2021
    Latonya ·
    • Flag
    Like everyone else says it’s not your choice who he chooses to be the best man and you may not like him as well as the groomsmen may not like him but if that’s who your fiancé chose and that’s who it will be however as his future wife you can voice your concern and then leave it at that for him to take action as he sees fit. As far as the bachelor party goes if he really wants a bachelor party then his groomsmen can plan that tradition says that the best man has to but come on here let’s be real a lot of things that were planning now are not traditional so with that let them do as they desire. If your fiancé doesn’t feel that he’s reliable or would do his part as the best man then he may need to reevaluate who he chose as the best man and just make him a groomsman but in all honesty there isn’t much you can do. You will have enough on your plate I’m sure. Good luck
    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    I don't like most of my husband's friends ahah but I do see how they love him and I left that choice to him because that's his side.
    • Reply
  • Jodie
    Expert August 2020
    Jodie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Well pardon us "women who can't read" but you stated "...I believe he made the wrong decision." Frankly, as the previous posts correctly state...it's not your decision who your FH picks as his best man. So, really, what you think is irrelevant. This shouldn't even be a question posed by you. That is solely a decision for your FH to make. Throughout the entire post you keep making reference to your feelings about the guy and the situation so where are we supposed to see that your FH is questioning this decision. Furthermore, just for clarification purposes...do you two make an effort to go see the best man? You just talk about his failure to come see you guys but never mention what efforts you two have made to spend time with him. Communication and friendship is a two way street. Additionally, about the pre-wedding festivities...it is not a requirement for ANYONE to attend those. The only REQUIREMENT for a member of the bridal party is to show up on the day of the wedding in the appropriate attire. If you (or your FH) are expecting all the extras then your FH needs to discuss what he is expecting. The GUYS need to discuss what they are able to do budget wise, scheduling, etc. Maybe you should check your attitude at the door before you come to a public forum asking for opinions then get disrespectful when the public gives you the opinions that you ASKED for. Honestly, given your attitude on this thread, I can't say I blame the best man for not wanting to spend time with you....

    • Reply
  • M
    Expert January 2019
    Maggie Online ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    "My fiancé has chosen his childhood best friend to be his best man, but I believe he made the wrong decision...I just need to know based off this information should my fiancé choose another best man before it’s too late?"

    No, your fiancé should not pick a new best man (for all of the reasons PP stated above).

    • Reply
  • Will & Tiara
    Super September 2019
    Will & Tiara ·
    • Flag

    YES! GET RID OF HIM. HE DOES NOT WANT TO PARTICIPATE BUT IS AFRAID TO SAY NO. Have your fiance tell him that he is choosing another BM but that he would like him to share a reading during the ceremony. In other words, give him something to do during the wedding as acknowledgment but no more responsibility than reading a poem or meaningful passage for a minute or two. This way, no one gets hurt. Frankly, and forgive me for saying this, he sounds like a creep.

    My sister went through similar with her MOH. I know both you and hubby to be have discussed this, so you are completely right and I know that you both are on the same page. Forget these naysayers on this post. Give this guy another job with an option that if he just prefers to be a guest, then no hard feelings. Move on and enjoy your experience. No one has the right to disregard your fiance this way.

    • Reply
  • S
    Just Said Yes August 2020
    Simone ·
    • Flag

    I think the guy is doing his best to get out of being the best man, actually. Just from what you've written, I'm guessing he either committed not knowing what exactly was required, or just didn't know how to say no, and now he is being passive aggressive and not wanting to do anything he is traditionally responsible for. When someone says "gee whiz I'll try to make it" to an event 2 months down the road, the only explanation there is that he is trying to distance himself from the whole thing.

    Obviously your fiance needs to deal with this by himself, but I would suggest him offering an out to the best man. I'm guessing the best man will jump at the chance to be relieved of his duties and bad feelings will be minimized or non-existent.

    • Reply
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    Your wedding isn't for another 1.5 year so I can't imagine anyone is concerned with the bachelor party or wedding stuff yet besides the bride & the groom? He picked his best man so I'd leave it at that.

    • Reply
  • L
    Just Said Yes December 2020
    Liz ·
    • Flag

    Agreed with @Will & Tara and @Simone - we have a similar situation. FH asked him to be the best man (previously this guy had requested to be the best man at our wedding, never heard of that before) and then when asked, his response was, "I'll have to check my calendar and see if I'm available that day." Which at that time was a year from the date!

    It's very hurtful and unacceptable, in my opinion, and I feel for your FH. I don't understand why men can't get it together and just have a conversation about it. We currently have just left his spot open, and the other groomsmen are pitching in together to be the collective "best man" to help out with planning and everything. I hope it all works out for you!

    • Reply
  • Cherry
    Expert February 2020
    Cherry ·
    • Flag

    As others have stated, the only thing your wedding party is responsible for is getting their outfits and showing up on the day of. They don't actually have any other obligations, which means they don't have to plan parties, come to your house, pretend to be interested, etc. If you guys were expecting more from your respective parties, you should have communicated that from the beginning. When you ask someone to be in your party, you should set forth the expectations first so that they're not blindsided later financially and time commitment-wise. It sounds like there may have been a lack of communication from the get-go. Also, it's very early for your wedding party to be included in any plans. You likely still have other things to sort out first.


    I'd say cut him some slack, he still has time to come around. Lower your expectations a little as well. It's always disappointing when people we've chosen don't go above and beyond for us, but nobody will find your wedding as important as you and your fiancé do. It's a hard truth we all learned when we first started planning. WW is here to help you, and the advice people give here is just that - advice. You can take it or leave it. Disparaging us for it is also up to you, but you'll learn quickly that people will be less likely to give you good advice if you're snarky. I've gotten advice here that didn't sit well with me. I took a deep breath and tried to see it from the responder's perspective and that helped A LOT! You'll see that nobody here has ill intentions. We do genuinely try to help. Good luck to you! Smiley heart

    • Reply

Comment on this discussion

×
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

WeddingWire article topics