Unsupported in my Engagement

I wonder if she feels like your partner is ‘stealing’ you away from her? Perhaps she’s worried your relationship might change? Does she get on well with your fiancé? Does she feel like you are too young?
Just a few questions that popped into my head reading your story..

It sounds like the problem is with your mom. Did your FH ask your parents for permission to propose? Perhaps your mom is old fashioned in that way?

On the other hand, why aren't you and your FH sharing the news with your family and friends? Why is it her responsibility to tell people? This is your engagement, this should be a happy time for the two of you and you two should be the ones to share the news with others.

Have you gotten a permanent ring yet or announced your engagement formally, publicly yet? Just give it time. She will get more excited as it approaches the last year, as things get closer and it is time to do things. Nice dad is onboard. But it will only lead to disappointment if you expect everyone to be excited 4 years out. You need to be realistic, that others will get increasingly interested in the last year, and not set against mom or anyone else who does not. I had friends at the end of high school get engaged, planning to marry as soon as out of college, and not one happened. My freshman, sophomore, and Jr roommates in college all got engaged for 3 years or more. One came out as gay and the other two married someone else. 5 of my 8 sisters and brothers got engaged over 3 years out, and one couple married. One still together for 3 years broke up 3 months out. One sister was engaged 4 times in 6 years, and married none of them. She had a 2.5 month engagement to someone she knew until she was 13 ( who moved) whom she met again through work. They have passed their 15th anniversary. But all 9 of us did marry. And most of us were engaged 2.5 to 10 months to the one that really happened. I know my mom and dad and grandmother basically said congratulations, how nice, and not much more til weddings got closer, and they love us all to pieces. Your mom's experience in life may have taught her not to invest to much in things to far in the future, and plans that often never happen. Wait. What difference does it make, as she is not against it?

Does your mom like your fiance? Usually in these types of situations, it's that the parents are troubled by the relationship. Does your fiance treat you well? Has your mom ever expressed concern about your fiance? If she's not upset about the relationship, then just give it time. It just may take getting used to that her baby is getting married. I should also ask, are you marrying a man or woman? One of my best friend's got married without her parents because she married a woman and her parents were outraged about it. Luckily, her wife's parents were there for them both. Regardless, this is your time so if you're in a healthy relationship, then just give your Mom time and don't let her bring you down.

Does she like your partner? If she doesn't really care for the person you are engaged to then it could result in her not being thrilled about the engagement. Maybe she thinks you could do better/deserve better. When I was 17 and got engaged to my first boyfriend my mom wasn't excited, she tried everything to get me to have an extremely long engagement. She always tried to talked me out of it. She didn't tell anyone about the engagement. But it was because I was very young and she didn't believe i knew what I was getting into, plus she did not really care for my fiance. Thankfully I came to my senses a month into the engagement and ended it. But now at 28 and engaged to this amazing man that everyone in my family loves, my mom is excited and tells everyone about our engagement and upcoming wedding. She is even helping me plan the wedding.

It sounds like there are a lot of unknown variables, to which you may not even know yourself. Perhaps too you could have a conversation with your mom to let her know how you feel and ask her why she isn’t taking your engagement seriously. I hate to psychoanalyze any situation as speculation could lead to more distress and trouble.

It could very well be for one of the several reasons suggested here. It could be that perhaps are you young? Have you been together for a short or long period of time? Did your FH ask for parent’s permission before “popping” the question? Do they like/approve of him? Etc.

As you stated, it is not your responsibility to manage other people’s stress. It is also not your responsibility to manage your mother’s excitement for your engagement. I don’t think there’s any reason you should wait for her to announce to the family that you are engaged. Why aren’t you and FH announcing it? You also said not many of your friends knew about the engagement either- why haven’t you told them? If you want your engagement to feel “real” and to be able to celebrate it with others, you have to make them aware that the engagement happened!

There is nothing you can do or say that will change your mom's attitude. Only she can change herself. So, I recommend trying not to worry about convincing her and just live your life in your own way, enjoying your engagement. That said, you are planning for a 4-year engagement and I can't imagine anyone maintaining excitement for that whole period.

Adjust/minimize your expectations of everyone's reactions now and you will feel much more at peace.

How old are you? Are you still in school? Have you dated each other for at least a year? Could she be worried you are rushing into things? Has she seen things in your relationship that would make a mother worry? If you truly have no idea why she may be hesitant - ask her what her concerns are. Yes it could be she is just sad about you growing up -or she could have valid concerns that should be addressed.

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I agree with Meaghan. Especially with you planning on a four-year engagement, I'm left wondering about some of the specifics that may be influencing your mom's reaction -- that's just a looooong time to plan a wedding. If she otherwise feels good about you, your fiance, and your relationship, something happening four years in the future just may not seem very relevant right now (especially with the current situation where it's hard to plan 20 minutes into the future). If there are factors specifically driving the four year engagement, like you being of a younger age and/or needing to finish your education, etc., I could totally see the potential for a mom to not be very excited. As my screen name indicates, I was the MOB. Daughter and SIL met their freshman year of HS, and became an exclusive couple their sophomore year. Pretty early on, they started thinking they were going to be "together forever." They stayed together, but didn't get engaged until they'd graduated from college, and then got married 18 months later, after being an exclusive couple for 8 years and growing into fully functioning independent adults. As much as we love them both, if they'd gotten engaged any earlier than they did, I probably wouldn't have been very enthusiastic -- they were too young and not yet prepared for the responsibilities of marriage. Like others suggested, it's probably a good idea to talk with your mom about why she might be reacting the way she is. Good luck to you!

Is her issue that you are very young and she doesnt think you should be getting married yet? Does she not like your fiance? Might be good to just have a private convo with her to air the issue out.

View Quoted Comment This right here. These are all the things I thought when reading your post.

One phrase that I've heard is "no one will be more excited for your wedding than you." In my experience, this has been true. Neither my mom nor FMIL has shown any interest in the wedding. They never ask questions and have never offered to help me with the planning. Mind you, I'm financially stable and I'm pushing 30.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I definitely know the feeling.

Wishing you positive vibes.

I agree with some of the other posters. To some people, an engagement is done when it is time to plan a wedding, and at four years out, it just may not seem like that's what's going on. My brother and SIL met in high school. He gave her a promise ring on their one year anniversary, but waited to propose until they were out of college and ready to plan a wedding. They were together for nearly ten years but only engaged for six months. Most people also know plenty of people who were engaged and never went through with the wedding. I was engaged to two other people that I didn't end up marrying. I'm not at all saying that you won't end up getting married; I'm sure you'll have a beautiful wedding and marriage. I agree with those who said to be patient. It's hard to plan for four months out right now, much less four years. I'm sure your mom will become more excited when it gets closer. Best of luck!

Thank you to everyone who replied! All of your advice was greatly appreciated. After reading all of the advice I have been able to step back and come to the realization that a long engagement does make it hard to be excited about a wedding that may or may not happen in the future. Especially with how turbulent things are in the current time. I feel much more at peace with the way my family is acting about the engagement thanks to all of your advice. Thank you again!