Unresponsive bridesmaids... long post

So sorry your feeling this way. Sadly though planning is the brides responsibility. Did you ask them to help you with that? I think you're having a stressful time able you want their support which is normal but it's not required of them. If I understand you correctly, do you want them to be more proactive in planning bridal events and helping you with planning?

I think many of us feel this way. We expect others to be as excited about planning as we are but honestly planning is difficult and is not a top priority for others. I wish my family was more involved and it seems like I'm pulling teeth when I look for them to be more involved. I've decided to have them involved when needed but do most of it on my own and not hold a grudge.

Ok...so at the risk of sounding insensitive I'm just going to say that the planning is not the responsibility of anyone but you and your future spouse and wedding planner if you have one. The only requirement for a bridal party is to stand up next to you on the day of your wedding in the appropriate attire. That's it. If you are asking for opinions and they don't give you one...then get whatever you want. I asked my girls if they had an opinion on a few things and they basically said "I will wear whatever you want me to wear because it is your day". As for the dress thing...I'm not really sure what you were expecting from them? Were they supposed to get a group together and go shank the seller for being a jerk? Or the person who shoved you in Walmart for being an A-hole? If one of my friends text me about those things I would've said something like "that's a bummer." and moved on. Look, both of those situations suck...but there is nothing you can do about it at this point other than look for a different dress and realize that people can be jerks.

You mentioned that you are required to help them plan a vegas birthday and a baby shower...did you volunteer to host either event? If not, you have no responsibilities in planning them. If you are wanting them to be more involved you need to sit down and have a conversation about what you need or want them to do. But you also have to understand that people have their own lives and even though wedding planning feels like it is taking over every aspect of our lives, it's really on the back burner in theirs. It sucks because all the books and movies and tv shows show this big to-do where the bridal party is falling all over themselves to help the bride with anything and everything and that is not even remotely close to reality. Some people are lucky and have that, other people don't. So be upfront and honest with them about what you are wanting and see if they step up for any of it. If not, you have to be understanding and just realize that you will be doing the bulk of it yourself.

View Quoted Comment I know it isn’t required, but they all said they would help which is why I’m getting so overwhelmed when I ask for it and they won’t offer it. Especially when I’m the beginning they were so involved with everything that now when I’m actually getting vendors and stuff I ask for opinions or help and I get nothing.. I don’t mind going to vendor appointments and stuff on my own, it’s more that they offered help and when I’m trying to use that help they’re no where to be seen or heard from. Especially since now they expect me to help plan a baby shower and a Vegas birthday both which occur before the wedding..

View Quoted Comment The whole Walmart thing and dress thing were mostly about lack of support, or for better words saying “hey it’s okay” or more than just my messages getting left on read when they were doing nothing. They’re my sisters and we live together they had nothing planned and were all home when everything happened. I thought I’d mention it but don’t know if I mentioned how supportive I try to be and bend over backwards to help them with everything even little things like a seller backing out or them getting shoved in a public place.. Which has happened to them as well and I’ve always been there for them.. The baby shower is for my sister, I didn’t offer she just kind of assumed I was doing it and at that point I felt obligated to do so.. I just feel let down that all the support and help with planning I was told I’d receive is not the reality. I’m paying for most of the wedding ourselves but I value everyone’s opinions especially since they said they want to feel comfortable at the wedding.

View Quoted Comment Yeah.. Especially when they said they’d help, I felt let down really.. I’m not asking for financial help or to go to appointments just “hey what do you think of this?” Or “hey can you look into something for me” or really their opinions on things that I can’t decide on or my fiancé can’t give me a good opinion on. Especially when they have nothing to do and offered..

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It's super hard, especially since you are helping plan things for them.

I have been a bridesmaid for most of my bridesmaids and feel like I did a lot to help them out.

My only additional advice would be to not let it ruin your day or your friendships with these girls. Vent to us and your FH (my poor FH lol) and move on. Your wedding will be a wonderful day regardless!!

View Quoted Comment Yeah, it’s hard to remember that in the end it will be fine when I’m so stressed about other things on top of everything that I mentioned in the post. I’m trying to be positive.. I spoke with my future MIL and she told me the same thing also to sit down and have a talk with them, set expectations (again) and if they don’t want to help then they need to tell me that and take back their offer on helping with anything planning-wise if they really don’t feel like they need to. I really don’t mind, it’s just that what I expected was not what I got and I responded emotionally which is what I do.. I have terrible anxiety... If they want to go back to just being told when to get their dress and make sure they know the plan of the wedding the day of then that’s fine.. I just need to talk to them.. And I do feel like I was just venting now lol.. I feel like my post can be taken as demanding them to do more than just stand by my side which is what most bridesmaids do.. I just want the help I was offered.. but now that I’ve read this and talked with his mom I feel much better and know what to do..

I think you have to adjust your expectations. I don't know how long ago you asked these women to be in the wedding party. It is still 10 months to the wedding. There is a reason that it is recommended that wedding parties not be chosen or announced any earlier than 9 months. It is uncommon for people other than the bride and groom, and parents, to sustain an interest after the first month or so, until it is time for them to do something. There is absolutely nothing a BM or MOH must do before 6 months out. Everything til then is done by the bride and groom, and any parents, or others who show interest. Showers and bachelorette parties are the minor parties of the wedding, for a smaller group of people, and usually occur in the last 3 months. Only those who volunteer to plan than do anything, and usually 2-3 months or less then getting invitations out, is enough. The bride may choose colors and styles. But bridesmaids dresses should be chosen as close to the wedding as possible. Like in the 4th or 5th month, ordered in the 3rd or 4th according to manufacturer. No one wants to pay $200-250 to alter a $150-200 dress, because their size changes. And BM dresses arrive 2 weeks to 10 weeks after ordering. . . . There is nothing BM need do now. From tv unreality shows, and movie, many people have the idea that a bridal party is like a team, regularly attending things and participating from the time they are chosen, til the day of the wedding. But that is not how it is. Some individuals are interested in the whole process. Most people, no. A few chats about wedding stuff before 6 months out, that is it. Some discussion, often behind the bride's back, about if any BP want to volunteer to do a shower, or if they don't, any other family or friends women may do it. Same with a bachelorette. Those who do not choose to be a hostess for either, need to get a dress between 3+ 4 months out, attend parties if they can, go to a RD and rehearsal if feasible, and be dressed and groomed at least an hour before time for pictures or the ceremony. That is it. Getting ready as groom is something so e people choose. But a recent tre, not a tradition, and not all do it. Particularly for local wedding is, more get ready in privacy at home than all together. . . Your BP women are not your constant emotions support team, for 6 or 10 or 15 months. Ordinarily, no one informs all their close friends, every time a sale does not go through, or if store people are unhelpful, or if another person pushes them. So why expect that once your BM are chosen, they will suddenly care about your trivial happenings? Treat people as you always have, not as your go to people for everything, and you will have fewer disappointments. Talk to your FI, plan with him. It may help to get off just computer support, and either at the library or a used book store, get out a cookbook style etiquette book, with a chapter on weddings. And general chapters on gifts, correspondence, invitations, and thank you notes. Tips on party planning, and entertaining from the hosts perspective. Having it all sensibly laid out, not a timeline e checklist, but a more helpful how to do ... style, will help a lot. ... Media and the wedding industry have given a fantasy image of weddings, and they are not like that in reality. Just back off and plan with FI until dress selection around 5 months. And if something necessary corrections.es up, then bring it up with the ladies. But little stuff, don't expect them to suddenly take an interest in little stuff, any more than you would expect the three of them to each keep you posted about every time someone is rude or gives bad service to them. Would you want to hear from your sisters and friends when the dentist's secretary made it hard to get an appointment, when the dry cleaner did not take out spots, or when someone rushing out of an elevator bumped them? Most of the time, Friends don't want every one of their 3-12 friends and family to send bulletins about everything that goes wrong. And right now, you are a sister and a friend, not a bride, to them all. Act like one. Don't play the bride card til the last couple months before the wedding. Act more like usual.

View Quoted Comment I completely understand where you are coming from and I think as someone else said the reality is that you are so excited and you want to talk all about the wedding but others don't. I love my FH but even I can't talk a lot of our elopement plans with him because he's only so interested. That's a part of the reason that I come to these forums so I can share the happiness and so I can talk about what I want to plan as well as get ideas. I know at the end of the day I can't keep bombarding my friends with updates of what I'm doing as well as bother him because if he had his way we would just go to the courthouse. I get how you are feeling in terms of you are planning stuff for them and you want them to return the favor however Playing devil's advocate is sounds like one is about to have a baby so that takes a higher precedence than your wedding. As much as you don't want to hear that. Naturally you are about to celebrate a huge day and you're excited about it and of course you want to help and you want to talk about it. Sadly not everyone wants to do wedding talk. I know this is not necessarily the same thing but you can post your questions or ask for opinions on this forum. That's why I come on here often. I have two really good friends who would have been my bridal party and of course I gave one her bridesmaid proposal box yesterday and told her that I she would have been by my side had I had a full wedding and if we do decide to have a small wedding of course she will be but I would still love to have her help in regards to the day of and even on the day of via video chat be there to see me get ready and stuff like that. As of right now she's telling me that she'll be there when I get my makeup trial what I want to go shop for wedding bands but I also know that she works full-time and she's a mom and may break those promises so I'm not going to get my hopes up because at the end of the day her job and her family are much more important than my big day. I think it sounds like you said you want people to be there for you when you're making all kinds of big plans but if they cannot then make the plans on your own. Worst case maybe you can text them and ask them what they think about certain venues or something like that. Or maybe do all of this research and then one day have a little informal wine and cheese get together at your house and go over everything then. However, I don't mean to sound rude but I think a lot of wedding planning really should be between you and your future husband. It's nice to have their input on things like venues and whatnot for that really should be up to you and your future husband because you two need to be excited about getting married there. Please understand that I do sympathize with you but I strongly encourage you to not let something like this put a damper on your big day. Still go out and do research and do all of these things whether they can be a part of it or not because you should still celebrate your big day even if others do not have the same excitement as you.

View Quoted Comment I mentioned I’m other comments they offered to help with planning, I know they meant with color schemes and helping pick out smaller details. They are my sisters and my best friend and I asked them so early in advance so they could go saving money (which they were happy that I gave them enough time) I’m not asking them to order their dresses right now, I’m asking for opinions and other “favors” on ideas. I asked them to order their dresses to their liking and whenever they want as long as it’s the color and in their price range. ot asking them to plan my wedding. I never mentioned anything about dresses anyways besides my sale that didn’t go through and I was upset and they knew how excited I was about it. I got overwhelmed with other stuff going on and expected to get the same treatment I had given them. Again I am not expecting them to plan it for me or help me financially. They offered help, I am asking for the help they offered and they are not giving it which is why I reached out in the forums. I reached out for support, the same support I gave them when they were in similar situations and I did not receive it. Which is what upset me. I had a lot of things going on which is why I reached out and got nothing, at the time was nothing (besides the dress) wedding related and I don’t expect to treat me like a queen or bend at my every will. I am not trying to be a “bridezilla” or overwhelm them but asking for help. I am there for them for every little inconvenience or every bad thing to happen to them. I am frustrated I am not receiving support as a friend and as a sister and not a bride. I am not pulling a bride card, I never have and I never will. Please do not tell me to act like a sister when I have done nothing but act like a sister to these past few months when they needed it, in this situation I am not getting sisterly support from them that. When something goes wrong whether it be little or big we are there for each other, but in this case I felt this was not the case. They asked to be involved with the planning process in the very beginning, I’ve been engaged for over a year and they’ve been decided as part of the bridal party since before the date was decided because we all count on each for everything. You don’t know the type of relationship I have with these people. I have never once pulled a bride card saying “you’re my bridesmaid you should do this for me” or anything of the sort, they’re my friend and sisters. I don’t see them any other way. In this post I was in distress and asking for advice because of them not giving me the help they offered in the beginning and support as a friend or sister would not just a bridesmaid. I did confess to acting emotionally because I am going through a lot of stress right now not even stuff relating to the wedding planning. Thanks for your input though.

View Quoted Comment Yeah and of course I want to be there for her while she has her baby, baby is due 5 months before the wedding so there’s plenty of time. I am fully supportive of her and try to be there for her with anything and everything she needs. I just think that being there for each other still shouldn’t be in the back of our minds especially when both of us are going through a lot. I’m not putting myself on a pedestal, in fact we almost didn’t plan a wedding because I don’t like things being all about me but in the end we thought a party would be fun. Which is why everyone decided to offer help and support. I’m taking most of the financial part of the planning, and most of the actual researching but the moment I asked for help it’s like they forgot they offered and just kind of pushed it behind which is fine I would have just liked to know they have other priorities and can’t help like they would. It’s what I would appreciate, now that I’ve had time to think about it. But yeah, I absolutely don’t think my wedding is more important than her baby, it’s my first niece or nephew. It’s a life being brought into the world and I would be happy to help plan the baby shower if it wasn’t expected of me being “the planner” of the family meanwhile I’m planning a birthday and the wedding. If I knew she would have gotten pregnant I wouldn’t have planned a wedding and just eloped, but either way I can’t take my money back and might as well go through with everything else. Again, just expecting the help I was offered and not getting it is kind of a bummer. It’s the first wedding in the family since 06 since initially everyone was excited and promised things they couldn’t keep up with, which is fine again I just would like to know. My MIL did tell me to get together with them and talk about expectations and stuff so I’m going to do that. I just go so overwhelmed with everything that happened (besides other personal things) that my emotions got the best of me but reached out for advice or guidance. Thank you for your input, I do appreciate you trying to sympathize. It’s what I needed rather than being told I’m pulling a bride card or misread my whole post assuming I want them to plan it for me. It’s literally the little things I want help on and they know that, but again you and my MIL are right I need to sit down with them and talk it out. The last time we got together was for a Friendsgiving and I kept wedding talk out completely, I know their lives don’t revolve around the wedding. Thank you again!

View Quoted Comment Of course anytime. Happy to give some what I hope is helpful advice. I really do understand you because this is such an exciting time and yeah we want people to naturally want to help us as we've done them. I have to be honest I'm a little bit selfish and two of my really close friends I planned both their bachelorette parties and helped with bridal showers so I'm hoping they return the favor. If not it will suck and then I'll just do something myself. I agree that it is a pain to give yourself and your time and energy to others and they don't return the favor but some people just don't know how to do that. I will say that when you do meet with them just kind of be careful of how you approach it as you don't want to come off as being a bridezilla to them. I think your emotions are logical but maybe just say that you guys were offering to help with this are you still able to and kind of put the ball in their court and then if they can't do it then at least you know it's up to you to take care of it. At the friendsgiving maybe all the things you want to talk about like venue, showers or bachelorette parties things like that you can bring it up there and then that way they're all in one room and you can kind of go ahead and hash everything out so you can plan for it. What do you think?

View Quoted Comment Yeah, I do want to sit down with them and see where they are. I really don’t mind if they can’t help or don’t want to anymore, I would just like to know. We actually already had the Friendsgiving I brought it up as a point like hey I really don’t think it’s about me we can still have friendly functions without talking about it lol. I feel like they wanted to at first but once my sister got pregnant they started feeling like everything was too much for them and they couldn’t find their way out of it. I understand now that it might just be hard to reset that expectation they had given me, but I just want us to be on the same page, I’ve been to all the vendor meetings either myself or with my FH so I never expected to be dispensable at a moments notice to go to these things. They didn’t want to be part of that, just details. I do think we should have a get together though to discuss everything, but closer to the wedding. I haven’t bombarded them with timeline plans or anything of the sort just asking for help here and there. All of the things I needed/wanted help with I ended up discussing with my MIL and she was excited that I asked for help. Your advice was great though, it really helped me kind of put everything into perspective and set a plan to figure out what’s going on.

View Quoted Comment I am sure your MIL really appreciates you asking for help. That's great you two get along.