Skip to main content
ARE YOU A VENDOR?

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Shelby
Savvy October 2019

Unreliable Moms - Storytime & Solidarity

Shelby, on January 7, 2020 at 7:26 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 10
Saved
Reply
I just want to make a post here because so much advice I was given not just here, but from other people too, had to do with “your mom should do x” or “go with your mom to do x” etc. And I think it’s important to note that not everyone has the luxury of having a mom who is even remotely interested in having any sort of involvement or responsibility with wedding planning or your life at all. So I’m going to share my story about my own mom and her conduct this last year before and during the wedding:
To give you some context here, my mom has 0 maternal instinct. Her and my dad divorced when I was a year old, and she was an “every other weekend” parent who couldn’t even be bothered to be consistent with that if she had something better to do. When I was a teenager, she took a small amount of interest in me which I latched on to because my relationship with my dad was tenuous at best. Hindsight and some growing up has made me realize that she only took interest then to make my dad mad. In my adult life, she went back to being very inconsistent. Fast forward to 2017: she married a man she only knew for 6 months and moved to Arizona. I got engaged in October of 2018. Winter 2019, she moves back to the PNW after divorcing that guy and starts dating his cousin, and moves back in with her mom (my grandma). I have already started planning, choosing my bridesmaids, and had already started paying off my wedding dress. She reached out to me a total of 4 times before the wedding, only one of those times was to actually see me. She did not offer to help with anything and wasn’t in a position to financially. The other times were to give me a couple of song suggestions for my playlist, which I had already finalized and were not my taste at all. So fast forward again to two weeks before the wedding: I told her and my grandmother what time the family photos were starting the day of and what time we would be doing the rehearsal and setup the night before. She did not show up to the rehearsal or the family photos. She showed up to the wedding maybe an hour before it started and left an hour after the reception started. She also had picked out a dress a few months prior that was not super appropriate for a MOB in my opinion, but I told her to wear whatever thinking that was at least a step above jeans. She showed up to my wedding in black pants and a Henley shirt with a rain jacket (it wasn’t even raining). She was also pissed that she didn’t get to sit in the front row even though she showed up late. The seats were already taken by immediate family who had shown up on time. Since the wedding, she hasn’t reached out to me at all and when I’ve gone to visit my grandma, she’s been really weird toward me. I’ve stopped caring about the quality of our relationship a long time ago because she obviously doesn’t care about being a mom, so I am not hurt or really even shocked. But I wanted to share my story so maybe someone who is experiencing similar letdowns will know they aren’t alone.

10 Comments

Latest activity by Concetta, on January 16, 2020 at 3:18 PM
  • A
    Super February 2020
    Andrea ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I am so sorry, but you are so much better off without her. Your mom needs to learn how to grow up and the sad part is, it doesn't seem like she has. I don't think she realizes she's hurting you either, and she's making herself seem like the victim. She didn't even come to your wedding dressed for the occasion or appear on time and made a huge deal that she didn't get a seat on the front row.

    My mom hasn't been involved with my wedding, and even told me last night that she's procrastinating about buying a dress for my wedding. She wants me to "remind her" to get a dress. She's a grown ass woman...I don't feel like I should be reminding her every time we talk that she has about 50 days to find an appropriate attire. If it were up to my mom she would go in shorts and a polo shirt.

    • Reply
  • Canadiangal
    Dedicated August 2020
    Canadiangal ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Thanks for sharing this. It's so annoying to me that people assume that your mom is your biggest supporter and everything like that. My mom has been horrible during the entire wedding process. Shelby, do you regret inviting your mom to the wedding?
    • Reply
  • Shelby
    Savvy October 2019
    Shelby ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I’m glad that my experience resonates with you! Non traditional family units are becoming more and more common and it’s an important thing to remember. I don’t regret inviting my mom to my wedding. She feels more like an extended family member to me than a parent so she didn’t make a huge impact on my day. The people who really love me, including my husband, made it a good day. At the end of the day she’ll be the one faced with regrets, not me.
    • Reply
  • Shelby
    Savvy October 2019
    Shelby ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Ugh! That’s so annoying. You definitely shouldn’t have to “remind her” to find something to wear for your wedding. I certainly wasn’t responsible for reminding anyone during my wedding planning 😒 lol. Your mom’s preferences sound very similar to mine. She’s happiest in some cargo shorts and a hoodie.
    My paternal grandmother and my MIL both asked me if I’d help them pick something out, which was really nice. And honestly I was fine with whatever they were comfortable in as long as it was appropriate for the occasion. Hell, before my mom got that god-awful cocktail dress out of the blue, she had asked me if she could wear a suit to my wedding and I was totally fine with that! Too bad that’s not what happened... Some people just don’t get manners or just common courtesy.
    • Reply
  • Haley
    Expert October 2020
    Haley ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I feel this so much! My mom is usually very disinterested in all things wedding. I lived on and off with her throughout my childhood but mostly with my grandparents.

    Every now and then (like yesterday actually) she will randomly ask me a question (like what she should wear) and seem interested. Then when I want to nail down a plan, she will tell me she doesn't like to commit to things.

    My aunt (her sister) is really who I look up to for a lot of things even though we aren't close.

    My mom actually frequently complains to me that my aunt was "so obsessed with her kids" that they can't have a relationship. My mom thinks it's ridiculous that my aunt goes to my cousins sporting events (2 boys, very into sports). She doesn't understand why my aunt wants to be at every game to support her kids. My mom actually made me quit cheerleading as a teenager because she was tired of coming to my competitions.

    Anyway, yes this is frustrating. My mom wants a relationship with me but she is SO unreliable and you never know what mood she will be in, I can't depend on her to do anything. Especially plan/contribute to things that require advanced planning like a bridal shower or the actual wedding.

    I'm glad I'm not the only one in here who has a less-than-ideal relationship with their mom.

    • Reply
  • A
    Super February 2020
    Andrea ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    I took your advice and last night I just went ahead and researched a bunch of dresses that I think would look nice on my mom, and sent them to her and my sister (MOH). I haven't heard back from her yet because she's on central time and I'm in pacific, so I bet she woke up and went straight to work without noticing her email.

    I think your paternal grandma and MIL did the right thing, asking you for what you thought. I mean, your mom wearing a suit doesn't sound bad, she could've done a jumpsuit! I think we need to remember that people are adults and they are going to do whatever they want.

    • Reply
  • Coral
    Dedicated October 2020
    Coral ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Thank you for sharing your story! My mom and I have a rocky relationship. She had untreated mental health issues until 2 years ago, which ruined our relationship with her belittling, demeaning, and dismissive nature towards me. She is now being treated and is a whole different person that I am forgiving and building a relationship with. But I have spent 22 years playing everything so close to the best that I don't know how or feel comfortable including her. We also live in two different states, have ridiculous work schedules, and I still have a fearful anxiety around dealing with her. But we're trying. She just called me last night to tell me she was proud of how I was doing planning the wedding by myself, balancing that, my job, and just publishing a book.
    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I'm so sorry. My mom is toxic, too, and she refused to come to the wedding.

    She has not reached out to me since she declined in June, and I ended up blocking her across all platforms in August, 3 weeks before the wedding.

    DH has not blocked (though not friended/contacting/etc), and we haven't moved, so it's not like she couldn't reach out.

    But I had to do it, because she's a narcissist who has emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused me since I was a child.

    I completely understand and you are not alone.

    • Reply
  • Suzie
    Super October 2021
    Suzie ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I am sorry this is the relationship you have grown up with. Sounds like you handled the day well, and kudos to you for not letting this get you down. I have a great relationship with my mom, but she is someone that tends to make things about her, so I don’t involve her too much in my planning. She can be a bit much to deal with at times, and can be really negative (like REALLY negative). To the point where it ruins my mood, and I just can’t stand it. I was hesitant about having her with me to shop for my dress, but she was actually wonderful and so supportive. However, she has made comments like, “I’m not working on the wedding day, this is my day too,” literally in reference to me saying all the ladies need to make sure I am hydrating and eating while we get ready. Ummm, what?? This is in NO way your day.... I am also paying for her dress - she is walking me down the aisle, so I will be choosing a color for her - but she’s already being difficult about that and we haven’t even starting looking yet. I understand it is her dress, but if I am buying it, I get say in what it is... So yes, I get difficult moms. Thanks for sharing your story!

    • Reply
  • Concetta
    Super March 2020
    Concetta ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Hi, thank you so much for sharing. My heart hurts that you have this kind of relationship with your mom, I too have an odd and most of the time distant relationship with my mom... she doesn't care about the wedding, doesn't ask any questions or help plan etc but wants her dress to be better than my Aunt who I am close too and she wants to walk me down the aisle so everyone can see her ... so basically wherever she can "show off" she wants to be apart of it

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Explore how we embrace diversity

Groups

Show more

WeddingWire article topics