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MK
Expert September 2021

Unnecessarily getting bummed

MK, on March 31, 2021 at 9:42 AM Posted in Community Conversations 0 14

Is anyone else finding themselves getting defeated and bummed out over really silly things? I've always been extremely understanding and laid back but for some reason, have recently taken really minor wedding planning inconveniences to heart.

I've had several bridesmaids get pregnant in the past few months and I am SO excited and happy for them! But part of me gets a little bummed out knowing that they may not be able to attend my wedding events. I know this is so selfish. I've never been one to let these things hurt my feelings, I feel like I'm such a cheerleader for my friends. And I would NEVER let them know I was bummed, in the slightest!! But lately, I feel like I'm having to put my wedding on the back burner in order to accommodate their being pregnant - moving my shower dates in order for them to plan theirs, etc.

Is this normal? I know this is so silly and I should just clap for my friends without wavering, but I can't seem to shake my selfishly wanting to have my dreams come true and not have anything interfere. Is this just something that will pass? I hate that I'm even letting myself have these feelings!

-I'll add again, I know this is selfish so please don't come from me with hateful comments if you don't have legitimate advice-

14 Comments

  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
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    I get it! I felt the same way when all of our friends were getting engaged, but FH hadn't popped the question yet lol. I knew I needed to be happy for them, and I was, but I couldn't shake the feeling of disappointment because we had been dating the longest, yet wasn't taking the next step like everyone else. I also felt the same way AFTER we got engaged because a few of our friends were waiting till we got engaged to pop the question lol, so It feels like I'm really sharing all of it with 3 other couples. Which is fine, and I know it's exciting to all be going through the same thing together at the same time, but sometimes I wish we were the only couple and that it was all about us lol.

    Your feelings are valid, and completely understandable! Everyone hypes up engagements and marriage and the celebrations between the two. You see all these bridal parties on social media with the cute themed showers and them feeling all special and you want that for yourself! I think it's great that you recognize that these are just feelings and that you're still happy for your friends! Some people would be nasty about the spotlight not being on them. But it is frustrating that you've had to move your wedding events in order to accommodate them. Just remember that friendships are all about give and take, and while it's nice to be the giver, don't let that get in the way of taking because you deserve to take as well!

    The feelings will pass, but allow yourself to feel them, and continue to be the best friend that you can be!

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  • Cyndy
    Master May 2019
    Cyndy ·
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    I agree with Shelly. My daughter is going through the same thing as she is planning her wedding this year and I’ve had to help her through these feelings. Maybe share this with someone like your mom so you can get it out a bit. It has really helped my daughter but again your feelings are valid. Your day and all of the events leading up to it will still be amazing!
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  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    I don’t think you are being selfish at all! I think your feelings of disappointment are completely normal
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  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK ·
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    Thanks for all of this! It's all so so relatable and true. I just hate that I've gotten to this point of when a friend tells me exciting news about their life, my first thought is "Okay great, so what does that mean for me and the wedding?"! This all makes me feel a little more normal, but hopeful I'll get over myself soon!

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  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK ·
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    Thank you!! I completely agree about talking to your mom - my poor mom hears all of my feelings, probably more than she bargained for! Thank goodness for unconditional moms!

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  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK ·
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    Thank you, Ava!

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  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    I totally get it! My MOH is pregnant and she is high-risk. We both came to the decision that is best if she attends virtually only. Honestly, I know it sucks but if any of them were to get sick with covid while pregnant you and I would never hear the end of it and that’s a fact.


    And yes there are many other little things that you will get ticked off about and rightfully so! Everything from people asking if you’re going to book a room for them, or requests for +ones for randos, or vendors slacking.
    At the end of the day, just remember to stand your ground and know that this is your wedding day! If people don’t want to go then that is on them. You may also get very sick and tired of some people trying to make your wedding day out to be some sort of death zone because Of Covid, even though weddings and catered events have some of the most heaviest restrictions and safety precautions placed upon them, more so than you find at your typical restaurant or your local Walmart/target.
    Just keep your head up and know that this is your time to shine Bride!

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    At the grand old age of forty, from making gowns, to being in a bridal party first at 14, and from a VERY big family ( what you call it when you tell people, no cousins as BM because I have 35 within 5 years of my age...) And 2 of my own ... I have seen a huge change on weddings since modern electronic registries, printing invitations, TV reality shows and websites got into things about 18 years ago. This huge change has left a lot of people way off balance, and brides who go into things thinking they really know what to expect, only to find they are way out of what their own WP expects. People are often preparing 4-10 months earlier than they used to. This means that where " everyone" knew that bridesmaids were needed only in the last 6 months, and the majority asked people ( with no gifts) at 6-9 months, with an occasional year, now many choose much earlier, TV reality's team wedding, where your bride team appears to dedicate their lives , time and budget starting 12-18 months out.
    When you ask bm at 6-8 months, you know about pregnancies. You know and they know when birth will be in relation to the wedding, and many who would have accepted as BM happily, will either decline or let you know up front, all they will miss. I ended up with none of 4 bm/moh around my entire engagement 5 months. But I knew it before I asked anyone. And when a few friends heard who I asked, they volunteered to do showers, knowing my NP could not. At 4.5 months, I was not thinking of group shopping, a new thing since TV Say Yes to the dress. A bach party was still a single evening out.
    You asked before 6 months, I would guess. And most pregnancies have come as a surprise, welcome babies, but after you set expectations and schedule, luncheon s or teas or RD and showers and bach. lot of people nationwide have not tuned in to 15 years of the tv wedding thing. They have completely different expectations than you. It used tp be, and in loads of ateas still is, that the BM main expense was the dress, and her gift to the bride. The total of money spent on the shower and bach, and any hotel days for wedding, were altogether expected to be under the $3-400 of dress and gift. Whole weddings $5-$700 easily, and only 3 half days, shower, bach, RD. Max. You likely have followed the trend up. so not only have you " lost bridesmaids" to pregnancy, but you think prewedding parties are a big deal, where others are shrugging, No big deal. Even before covid now, a huge number of those coming on WW have at least one area where they were completely knocked over, with no idea their ideas were so different from their BP. Or that a simple thing like asking at 7 months not 14 would have given bride advance knowledge of pregnancies, or setting their own weddings weeks from yours, moving off for school 3 months before the wedding. You sould like you are trying to be gracious, and understand weddings do not come before pregnancies. But you have made plans based on several thi gs, and had the foundation blocks kicked. Hard to feel the same after that. It is not an unreasonable feeling, at all. I hope things get better, closer.
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  • H
    Devoted August 2023
    Hhh ·
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    You can be happy for them and still be bummed - that’s completely ok! I’m coming from a similar spot, FH and I started dating before most in my circle and now between grad school and covid delays almost all of my friends are married and have their first kid. The plans we’ve talked about of having a wild bachelorette party (I’m the hype girl in the group!) are now pretty unlikely, and it’s hard not to be sad. It’s super nice that you are shifting things to accommodate them, but don’t feel like you have to approach your wedding as a second tier to their pregnancies. It may even help to share some of your feelings with them. They may not even realize how you feel because they are so worried about how to be a new parent - 2 of my new-mom friends are the most hype about my wedding because they need a night off to have fun like we are kids again! Good luck, and just remember you are not the only one who feels like this ☺️
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  • Jessica
    Dedicated October 2021
    Jessica ·
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    I feel the exact same way!!! I’m super happy for my friends, but bummed because I feel like a bunch won’t end up attending my wedding due to pregnancies/newborn babies. Also feel a little bitter because I spent thousands to attend their bach weekends and weddings and they won’t be there for mine. I also talked to my mom, like a prior poster suggested. At the end of the day, I totally feel where you are coming from, but it’s something totally out of our control. Our weddings will be great!
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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    Your feelings are absolutely valid. And the fact that you recognize that you wish you didn’t have those feelings is a good thing. But your feelings are valid.
    One thing though.... you don’t need to make changes to your events that you’ve booked or scheduled to accommodate their events. If you have actually scheduled something they need to respect that and change their plans that haven’t yet been scheduled.
    Now if we are talking an arbitrary “I was thinking about having my bridal shower in this day” then it is kind of a whoever books first wins the day situation.
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  • M
    Expert April 2021
    Melody ·
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    Yeah, I totally get it! I have a similar situation to Dj - my FH's sister was supposed to be one of my maids of honor (my sister is the other). However, she's pregnant AND in another state so she and her family won't be attending. She and FH are pretty close, so it's sometimes really hard to think about. The rest of his family is..... problematic, at best. (We do love them, but one has a drinking problem and one has a meth addiction and they and their siblings just live in drama and so on and so forth.) Without his sister there, the only relative of FH's in attendance will be his mom. Of course we're excited for his sister and really happy for her, but it's still hard and a bit of a bummer for us.

    We have mutual friends who were super stoked to get our invitation. They literally told me to just mark them down as coming as soon as I handed them the invitation, before even opening it. The husband (who has a son from a previous partner) was recently invited by his sister to a once-in-a-lifetime event across the country that he would be able to take his son to. The wife will absolutely still be coming, but now the husband and his son may be unavailable. If it weren't a OIAL thing, I'd definitely be a bit peeved if he changed plans. But because it is, and would also be a wonderful thing for his son, I honestly can't be mad if he chooses to do that instead. A bit bummed? Sure.

    The main thing I'm having trouble reconciling is my bridal shower. It's this Saturday and I'm really excited for it. Everything is being planned by my mom and sister (MoH), so the only thing I know is when/where/the invite list they asked me for. However, this is Easter weekend and a lot of the invitees are people from my church who, of course, celebrate Easter. I was hoping it would be last weekend as I know many of those invited (of which there were only about 20) are unavailable this weekend. But my sister is an accountant and just had so much work stuff that was due last week, so that didn't really work for her. The shower is at my apartment, but aside from the location she and my mom are hosting it so I could only really veto days that absolutely do not work for me under any circumstance. (By that I mean a workday or a Sunday morning when I'm on worship band.) So I'm feeling bummed because I know I won't get to celebrate with some of the people that I would love to have there just because of the chosen date. Heck, most of my bridal party can't make it because of that. But at the same time, this is a shower being thrown in my honor by my mom and sister. I'm absolutely thankful for that and am not upset at them for working within their means. Heck, this isn't even the wedding itself so I'm still trying to figure out why I'm bummed about it.

    TL/DR: These feelings are totally valid, and you're not alone.We all want to have that perfect day without anything getting in the way. When something does, it's okay to be a bit bummed about it. You're allowed to have emotions.

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  • A
    Devoted May 2021
    Ally ·
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    No I get it. It’s normal to feel a little bit bummed that they may not get to go all out at your bachelorette party or something like that but that doesnt necessarily mean they cant participate in your events. Its not like youre saying they shouldnt have gotten pregnant until after your wedding, which would be a crazy thing to ask for. But I am sure they will still do their best to be a part of your wedding planning process/events
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  • N
    Expert June 2021
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    Honestly, I feel you are allowed to be bummed. Covid has thrown a wrench into so many of our planning as it is. We are constantly changing things to fit new restrictions and now that you have pregnant bridesmaids and need to change more things it has to be hard. It’s been 12 months of constant changes and a very stressful time. Feel your feelings
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