J
Just Said Yes May 2021

Uninvolved Groom

Jennifer, on November 4, 2020 at 5:16 PM Posted in Planning 0 22
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Hi Brides,


Is anyone else experiencing a groom who could care less about any of the planning process? So this is my first marriage but my grooms second. I thought if anything, he’d be down for the food tasting/selection and he just told me he didn’t care and didn’t need to be there. He basically thinks a wedding is a waste of time and money.
Is anyone else dealing with a groom like this? I don’t have family here so I can’t substitute him for one of them. Also explaining myself to him is also out of the question because he’ll just say I’m overreacting. If you’ve dealt with something like this, how did you not let it bring you down? How did you work around it?
Thanks Brides!

22 Comments

Latest activity by TSmith, on August 20, 2021 at 3:22 PM
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
    • Flag
    Not only does my groom axt like this, but so does his mom and my mom. What did I do? I threw the towel in in a wedding and we are eloping instead. I kindly have told our moms to keep their negative comments to themselves about what I will be wearing when my FH and I exchange vows and how I will not be wearing any makeup because they never offered any help on finding a wedding gown or finding vendors.
    • Reply
  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
    • Flag

    My fiancé couldn’t care less what we do, as he has put it to me, ‘I would marry you in a barn in the middle of nowhere’. Some things I ask him for input on, he prefers to have a say (i.e. food) other things, he tells me to choose what I want (i.e. invitations).

    I wouldn’t take it too personally so long as he isn’t actively discouraging you from choosing/doing things. If he isn’t fussed about things, enjoy the free ride to pick things as you want 😊

    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    I think it’s a very usual situation ahah. I find that if you give them a specific thing they’re interested in then they can focus and be excited about that - for instance mine was in charge of alcohol purchasing
    • Reply
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
    • Flag
    Use these forums to discuss your wedding plans instead. I realize that many brides want their FH’s to, all of a sudden, develop a joy and excitement for wedding planning. But, to me, that’s a lofty wish. Let’s face it… All this wedding planning stuff is much more of a female thing. I mean, how many guys do you even see on WW? Lol. But was your FH into event planning before? If not, then I doubt that he suddenly cares about cake flavors, linen colors, different types of flowers etc. simply because you’re engaged now.
    • Reply
  • A
    Super September 2020
    Alli ·
    • Flag
    I mean, I didn’t expect my husband to be super excited to plan everything lol but he definitely was involved and acted like he cared at least. I couldn’t imagine marrying someone who wanted nothing to do with the biggest day of your life?
    Maybe have a one on one conversation with him that it would mean a lot for a little participation and go from there!
    Best wishes 🤍
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar April 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    I’m doing the majority of the planning, making appointments etc. He does help make the final decisions on everything though. One thing that is driving me crazy is he hasn’t decided on who’s going to be the best man or groomsmen. He has decided that he will wear a suit but I have no idea on style. Boutonnières or pocket squares? We have agreed that January is the deadline.
    • Reply
  • Molly
    Expert August 2021
    Molly ·
    • Flag

    My groom is more involved than most, however, he can be indecisive. I end up putting a lot of work into researching options then putting my two or three favorites and going "pick one". Sometimes it's just what you have to do.

    • Reply
  • Hannah
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    My husband couldn't care less about the little details. However, I fully expected him to be involved with major things, such as choosing major vendors (venue, DJ, and photographer) and the menu. Honestly, if he isn't open to talking about it and just tell you that you're over-reacting, that is a problem. He should care if something is important to you and the wedding should be a compromise of what both of you want. If he 100% doesn't want a wedding, then that is something you two should discuss and see what the happy medium would be. If he is ok with the plan currently in place, then he should still care that you're stressed out and upset of his lack of involvement.
    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag

    My husband wasn't all that involved in planning unless I gave him specific tasks. For example, when I was trying to decide on music for special events like our grand entrance or recessional I sent my husband a list of options for each category to pick from. I found that narrowing down options and basically forcing him to help worked for me. As for the tasting I think that was actually my husband's favorite part because we got free food. I would sit down with your fiancé and tell him you can't be the only one participating in planning because this is his wedding as well. You shouldn't have to make all decisions on your own.

    • Reply
  • Jasmin
    Savvy July 2021
    Jasmin ·
    • Flag
    My groom could care less but I’ve had my wedding planned since I was ten so I don’t mind lol. Look at it as a blessing in disguise to avoid creative differences. You have 100% control to make your day as beautiful as you want. Men don’t typically care about these things any way as long as he wants you to walk down the aisle and marry him everything will work out in the end.
    • Reply
  • J
    Dedicated June 2021
    Jessica ·
    • Flag

    My fiancé has been in a completely different country for all of 2020, so I’ve had to do the entirety of the wedding planning by myself. It’s incredibly isolating, especially when you don’t have any close friends or family nearby to help! I have suggested that he remind his groomsmen to get fitted for their tuxedos and that he come up with a list of songs to be played during the wedding, since my taste in music is horrible. These two tasks alone apparently overwhelmed him to the point where he had to say “this is stressing me out!” I am always very jealous of brides whose fiancé’s participate equally!!

    • Reply
  • Kaila
    Beginner June 2022
    Kaila ·
    • Flag
    Omg girl yes!! My wants nothing to do with anything keeps saying that I just want what you want witch makes it more stressful. We found our venue last weekend and he could have not been more full about it.
    • Reply
  • Z
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Zeezee ·
    • Flag
    My husband didn’t care about wedding planning either. My solution was to just assign him aspects do the wedding he was responsible for. This lessens the burden on me. He doesn’t have to care about those things but he needs to do them. You can make him care about cake but you can make him choose a bakery, chose a cake, choose cake decoration, and handle vendor coordination for cake. I gave my husband cake, beverages, food, musicians and music, officiant, name cards and seating arrangements, decor set up the night before based the sample I did, and some other stuff. Just assign him stuff to do and he’ll do it.
    • Reply
  • Z
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Zeezee ·
    • Flag
    *can’t make him care about cake
    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    It takes two to BE married, so it takes two to GET married.

    Either he helps, or there isn't a wedding of any kind, end of conversation.

    You two need to sit down and talk about what he wants. If he thinks weddings are a waste of money, does he want to elope? Do a courthouse wedding? Not get married at all?

    This is your first big thing to talk through and plan together, so communication is key.

    I made it clear to DH that he must help. And he was happy to - but sometimes he let anxiety take over. Once he wailed, and I kid you not, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO".... while the dang wedding planning book was AT HIS FEET.

    I, uh, may have nearly dropped it on his, uh, head, at that moment.

    But we planned it jointly, because we are a team.

    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine ·
    • Flag

    Aww I am sorry you are going through this Smiley sad

    • Reply
  • Haleigh
    Savvy October 2021
    Haleigh ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Hahah this is exactly how I feel 😂 The only things my fiancé has expressed wanting to been involved in is the cake tasting, venue selection, and, of course, the bar package. As long as I stick within budget I pretty much have free reign on the planning. I feel like a lot of grooms to be aren’t super interested in the planning part, and I’m totally okay with it because i have a lot of creative freedom with the details. Plus everything will be a surprise for him now! Smiley smile
    • Reply
  • Rabreena
    Devoted October 2021
    Rabreena ·
    • Flag

    I am not currently experiencing this issue, my fiance is more than happy to be involved! He wants to help and give opinion(s) with everything, which makes me super happy about! Because during the planning process of my first marriage I did experience this issue and it became more of his mother planning the wedding than me or him and I planning it. The excuse that was always given was "I have to work and focus on work", or " I am too tired from working to think about that right now".
    Hopefully you two can take a moment to sit down and talk about it. Maybe there are certain things/tasks that he is a little more interested in and willing to give thoughts in those areas alone.

    • Reply
  • Milada
    Super October 2021
    Milada ·
    • Flag

    My groom isn't too concerned about the tiny details but its not because he doesn't care, he just really wants me to have the wedding I want. He also said this isn't his thing so he trusts my decision making. I'll admit that it has been a little frustrating but he's made sure to involve himself for the big things - venue, food/bar selection, wedding colors, and cake. I run everything I do by him before I make the final decision which helps me feel like he's still participating because he would tell me if it was something he didn't like. Maybe your groom would rather elope? If he doesn't care about it but cares about YOU, he'll hear you out and put in a better effort. Hope it works out!

    • Reply
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    These two statements in your OP are the most concerning: "He basically thinks a wedding is a waste of time and money," and "Also explaining myself to him is also out of the question because he’ll just say I’m overreacting."

    It sounds like you two have a communication/relationship problem, not a wedding planning problem. The wedding is only one day but marriage is (hopefully) forever. You need to make sure you two are on the same page with your goals and desires and able to communicate with each other about everything NOW, and then you can focus on wedding planning. I recommend couple's counseling.

    • Reply

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