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Expert July 2020

Uninviting someone with std

Courtney, on March 11, 2020 at 5:09 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 15

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So long story short my FH and I got engaged in late November and really wanted a small wedding, less than 100 people. Our Max was 100 invited guests but 75 expected guests due to wanting something intimate and budget. His mother influenced him to invite all these people from his childhood including people who babysat him , most are old (her friends). He tried saying no but it didn't work so he compromised for her especially because she was willing to pay for their seat. His parents weren't supposed to give us a total of $7K-$8,000 which would've covered most of the wedding as we cut back on Many things. A week after she sent STD to her people, his father backs out his half of the wedding costs along with her still trying to add other people. He also thinks some of those people don't "care too much for him". He now wants to remove those people and do only family. Is it rude to uninvite people who didn't get an invite? I want to be on his side but I think it's slightly rude and I'm not sure what to do. Pl see help! And no rude comments , not really sure what to do. Make her happy or stick with it and try to come up with all the extra money.

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15 Comments

Latest activity by Meghan, on March 11, 2020 at 9:13 PM

Devoted July 2021
Eshell · on March 11, 2020 at 5:14 PM
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Hi Courtney ...sorry for your headache. And the right thing to do if someone received a STD they get an official invitation. Hence , the reason some people don’t “believe” in STDs because of the unknown what may happen in months ahead as such what you dealing with. So if an argument happen or budget issues you can easily decrease guest list and those got taken off wouldn’t have known ...since NO std were sent out.
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on March 11, 2020 at 5:33 PM
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Right I agree... I initially did not want save the dates but we added that in there after being told on here it's best to give STD with having a destination wedding or wedding in the summer. Things are seeming so stressful along with trying to make honeymoon plans the coronvirus and I'm not sure what to do about a lot of things.
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Master October 2020
Margaret · on March 11, 2020 at 6:12 PM
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Sadly, I think you have to follow through with your STD. If there were some questionable guests, I think I would’ve avoided sending them a STD.
There has to be a conversation with FMIL and FFIL together and explain that if there was a question to the list it should’ve been resolved prior to being sent out. You kinda have to hold MIL accountable so that she makes FIL return the promised money.

I’m sorry that you’ve been put in this role, it sucks!
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on March 11, 2020 at 6:18 PM
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That's what I was thinking we had to do ... His parents do communicate, they're married. It's just I'm not sure why he'd back on half of the money a few days after we sent Save the dates.. I'm sure he knew before then whether or not he'd have the money. Are you saying his mother should get the father to give us the money he promised? We have no problem coming up with the other half it's just things are going in a different direction than we'd thought and I don't see how are list went back up after we already cut it several times. It's just a little frustrating.
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Master October 2020
Margaret · on March 11, 2020 at 6:32 PM
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If the ILs said they would give the money, then yes, they should do so. If there were 2nd thoughts on their part it should’ve been conveyed before the STDs

It’s not a matter of you having the money, it’s the principle about keeping to your word and just because your wife (MIL) screwed up, you and your FH shouldn’t be financially penalized for it.
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VIP June 2019
Hanna · on March 11, 2020 at 7:04 PM
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Sorry, but once you send someone a save the date, there's no way of backing out really... Whenever I receive a save the date, no matter how early it is, I immediately start the process of making travel plans, arranging to take off work, etc. A save the date is basically part 1 of the invitation, so it's not fair to revoke it. However, your FH's parents definitely should be held accountable for paying for the extra people if the decision to include them was of their doing!
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on March 11, 2020 at 7:07 PM
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Yes I understand where you're coming from. I think that's the part that bothers us most honestly. I understand things come up, but it could've been fixed before the save the dates were sent out. And we even told her, don't send out more to people who haven't gotten them. She had delivered them to the people in his hometown. She gave one person theirs anyway which is someone he argued with her about not inviting anyway. I love his mother , she's a sweet lady but of course I want him to be happy.
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on March 11, 2020 at 7:08 PM
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Right. I understand. Maybe we just have to talk with them. Thank you!
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Master October 2020
Margaret · on March 11, 2020 at 7:11 PM
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I understand! I have one word...#Parents

LOL
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Master 0000
Judith · on March 11, 2020 at 7:20 PM
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I hope for your sake that these people your mom is sure want to come, are looking at their STD’s thinking, we haven't seen him/ her in 5 years. We live close enough. What do they want, a present? And decline the invitation. My youngest britger's family went nuts over asking half their small town. Bride 25, had not lived in town even summertime since age 19. Had not visited any. They had 80+ declines, all prompt, out of about 250 invited. One family of 3 on our side, could not travel. Nearly 80 of these people. Unfortunately too late to get a smaller reception room, which blew an extra $1000, but at least able to not play for excess food or drink. B and G were secretly thrilled. Her parents who insisted on the extra, paid only 1 thing toward the wedding. $ for the reception room. Invitation happiness cost them the extra money. But the couple shelled out for invitations, made seating plans, cards, favor bags. Hope they decline, for your sake.
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on March 11, 2020 at 7:24 PM
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He seems them like once a year, but I guess she considers them like family. I'm not sure , but although we aren't inviting because of presents , I guess for our sake, that would be good lol.
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on March 11, 2020 at 7:24 PM
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I mean good for them to decline , not good to receive a gift.
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Super October 2020
Leslie · on March 11, 2020 at 8:37 PM
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Don’t count on them saying no either. I’m praying that some of these people say no but my FMIL thought she needed to invite the lady downstairs from her because she really likes my fiancé. Have I met her? Nope. It is a 2 hour drive and I thought a 75 year old lady wouldn’t want to drive that far but she was one of the first to reply yes.
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on March 11, 2020 at 8:52 PM
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Lol oh wow , yeah I guess we just have to come up with the money. Most of those people would be traveling 7 hours away and it's on a Sunday , so we will see (:
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Master October 2019
Meghan · on March 11, 2020 at 9:13 PM
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Anyone who receives a STD needs to receive an invitation. You can’t un-invite people once the STD’s go out.
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