Uninviting Dilemma

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so hard to plan a wedding when you know it won't be what you dreamed of as a child. I hope you can find a way to keep him close to you on your wedding day, without upsetting yourself (or your mom) too much.

People don't always know what to say when someone else suffers a loss - especially if they, personally, haven't. They don't want to make it worse, so they say nothing or they wait for you to reach out because they're unsettled. I don't disagree that they should have said *something* but they probably didn't know what to say. I know that when we lost my dad, the littlest thing (or essentially nothing - like being in the hardware store and wanting to ask him a question) could set me to crying. Even being asked if I was okay was sometimes a trigger. Even (nearly) 10 years later, there are times when I'm on the edge of tears, because I want to be able to talk with him.

I would still send an invitation (without a plus one). Then, you've done the right thing and the ball is in their court - if they don't come, then you know that they've decided not to be your friend anymore.

I'm so sorry for your loss! It sounds like you're angry with her. I can see how you feel but I'm not sure she's done anything wrong. I think she didn't meet your expectations, but there are lots of times in life where people don't.

However, she did get the STD, which is the same as an invitation. Not inviting her now may end the friendship, so I guess it's about whether you can accept that consequence.

I say follow moms advise.

Thank you Yea to be perfectly honest, if we hadn't signed a contract and already put $4000 down, I probably would have cancelled the wedding and done something small. Having him walk me down the aisle was something I always dreamed of, so planning this wedding is pretty hard. We have a few things planned to honor him. I know it won't compare to having him physically there, but it's the best we can do given the circumstances. I am so sorry for your loss as well. 💔 It is awful to have that loss and grief around, even 10 years later. That says a lot about the love you shared though.

I appreciate the advice. Sometimes I need another perspective.

Thank you everyone for the sweet words and different perspectives. It's nice to have someone outside of my head give me some rational thinking. 😊

I hear you. My brother got married 6 months after my dad died, and it was incredibly difficult (I helped my mom plan the rehearsal dinner).

I, too, always wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle - but my brother stepped in. I found some "scripts" online for when a father isn't there, so when the officiant asked "who presents this woman?" my brother replied "on behalf of those who are here and those who are unable to be here, I do" - it included my dad, because he would have been there if he'd been able. I also wore a locket with my dad's picture in it, so he could be with me throughout the day.

I also danced with my brother to the song from which my dad got his nickname for me - it was *very* hard. (I still have a hard time watching brides dance with their fathers - because I didn't get to.)

We also included photos of our parents and grandparents on our respective parents' wedding days (versus a true memorial table) since none of the six divorced. It was another way we could acknowledge people we wanted there who couldn't be, yet it was less in your face than a memorial table.

Nothing will replace having him there (as you know). Don't try to stop your genuine emotions. Yes, this is going to be an extremely happy day, but you are going to have moments when you are sad and missing the experience you "should" have had, and if you try to sublimate those, you're going to have a harder day.

If I might recommend, I would steer clear of the empty chair. It's liable to make it worse.

I appreciate this so much!. My brother is officiating, so I am still unsure about the walking down the aisle. Maybe my mom. Also maybe my mom and my brother. My MOH has offered to step up and do any officiant duties before he gets there if need be. I will probably do the dance with my brother as well. But I definitely am feeling bitter that I am not going to have the experience I had hoped for. It will be a great day, but I'm not really sure how I will get through it.

I was very close with my grandpa and always wanted him to officiate my wedding (he was a minister), but he died 7 years ago. I saved one of his blue dress shirts to cut out a heart and sew it to the inside of my dress. When my dad died I found a blue felt heart on Etsy. It is embroidered with "Walking with you today and always. Daddy 2-22-2022" and we will put that on top of my grandpa's shirt and then inside the dress. I'd also planned on doing the memorial table since none of my grandparents are alive anymore and 2 of my fiances aren't either. I got a locket made that has my dad's fingerprint in the shape of a heart on the front. On the inside is a picture of the two of us and a note he wrote me that I found after he died. It says "Jessica, may the angels always fly with you. Love you, Dad". I wear it every day, but may incorporate it somehow. I appreciate all your advice and I'm sure I will come back to this many times in the next 5 months.

There's nothing quite like it. I'm always happy to talk (or help any way I can) if you want to DM me.

It sounds like you've made beautiful plans, and ones that are right for *you* which is what's most important.

Sending lots of virtual hugs.

I am sorry you are going through this heartbreak. You have to decide what is best for you. If you do opt to invite your friend, I would try to get your hurt feelings resolved before sending her the invite. Just ask her why she hasn’t communicated with you since your Dad passed. Her answer may surprise you. Unfortunately, we are all complicated beings and sometimes we act in ways we can’t explain easily. Try to be open and honest in your communication with her. It is OK to admit how much she hurt you. It doesn’t make you are weak. It shows tremendous strength