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Just Said Yes September 2019

Uninvited second cousin sending gifts and writing weird messages

Sr123, on July 1, 2019 at 11:07 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12

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Hi!
I’m getting married in September and these last few months have been really stressful. I’m trying to enjoy and soak up this “happy time” as much as I can but I keep having little annoyances happen that drive me crazy. My Dads cousin who I have spent time with as a child at holiday parties (maybe saw once a year or every few years and spoke to for a half an hour) has been terrorizing me (IMO) about how she isn’t invited to the wedding. It started with weird Facebook messages when I posted my engagement pictures about how people are saying I look great but it’s not about looks??? She is very intrusive on social media and constantly I feel is overstepping boundaries and I don’t feel that we are close I have never truly spent any time with her as an adult. After my shower there were pics on fb that she of course liked every single one and then two weeks after my shower sent me a gift and wrote a note that she has loved me since I was a little girl and that she’s happy for me. Listen, from a family member that I am actually close to this message would mean the world to me—but I truly think the gift was given out of spite because she wasn’t invited. Later that week I commented on my aunts Facebook post about how I hoped her sprained ankle would heal for the wedding bc she has dancing to do and immediately this second cousin commented and said yes u need to be ready for her big day and then the next day commented and said you need to get better soon because you have to make up for the dancing I would be doing ( at my wedding). This really hurt my feelings and felt spiteful. I get that she is upset but we are not close and I have 62 FIRST COUSINS, not all of whom are invited to the wedding so like seriously now I’m getting shamed by second cousins? I feel really frustrated and I want to send her gift back but I know that’s probably rude. What should I do?

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Emma, on September 22, 2023 at 5:18 AM

Master August 2019
Allie · on July 1, 2019 at 11:09 AM
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I probably wouldn't send the gift back, mostly because I don't think that is going to stop her from badgering you. Did you tell her you were having a smaller wedding and did not invite any second cousins? Have you addressed not inviting her personally? I think that would help.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on July 1, 2019 at 11:14 AM
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I would probably ignore her because I refuse to acknowledge immature behavior. If you feel like she's the kind of person who needs to be spoken to about it, I would write her a message and say "I really appreciate your generous gift. I can tell from your social media posts that your feelings are hurt and I understand, however, we are keeping our guest list to close friends and family only. I'd love to get together to reconnect once the wedding is over and things calm down."
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Just Said Yes September 2019
Sr123 · on July 1, 2019 at 11:16 AM
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Hey Allie,
Thanks for responding. So I really don’t keep in contact with her or see her, I haven’t seen her in years so the opportunity to talk to her directly about it hasn’t come up. Unfortunately my wedding isn’t that small; we invited 220 people but I have large family, very close friends, friends of my parents etc. second cousins just didn’t make the cut and to be honest—I’m not fond of this person anyway so if I did have an extra spot it wouldn’t be for her. I guess I’ll send her a thank you note because that’s the right thing to do but I wish there was a polite way to tell her to buzz off because honestly I’m pretty upset at the way she’s making me feel.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on July 1, 2019 at 11:20 AM
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Have you considered blocking/unfriending? It sounds like she is a bit obsessive about the wedding. As for the gift, you can always return it to the place she got from if you feel uncomfortable having it (proper etiquette or not, if you don't feel comfortable keeping it, don't). If you don't want to block/unfriend, you can block people from seeing certain posts. I would also delete the creepy comments, but that's just me haha. Good luck!
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on July 1, 2019 at 11:22 AM
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Yes, thank her for her gift. You could still private message her to acknowledge she may be hurt but there just isn’t room to invite everyone and you can catch up over coffee after the wedding. Also, consider not posting a lot of wedding stuff on social media. Way too easy for everyone to comment, feel hurt if not invited, cause issues. Post a few wedding pics after your date but not all events and preparations along the way. Just privately send stuff to your BFF, mom, etc.
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Master August 2019
Allie · on July 1, 2019 at 11:23 AM
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There's no guarantee that anything you say or do will make her stop acting like a child, but I like what Caytlyn said above. Send her a thank you message via Facebook messaging but add that you would really appreciate it if she would stop posting about it.
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Just Said Yes September 2019
Sr123 · on July 1, 2019 at 11:24 AM
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Hey Jennifer,
I actually just blocked her on Facebook yesterday because my fiancé recommended I do that because of how upset I get about her recent posts and stuff she has written to me in the past. She is just one of those people that really has gotten under my skin; 12 hours after I blocked her on Facebook I received a request from her to follow me on Instagram. I haven’t answered it but she has sent me these before and I usually ignore them and delete it eventually. The reason I’m worried about returning it is because I feel obligated to write a thank you note (even though I’m totally miffed at her for trying to shade me). It was an expensive gift too, $100. Which makes me feel even more guilty/mad. I wonder if she thought buying me a gift would score her an invite? Maybe I am overthinking it.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on July 1, 2019 at 12:00 PM
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Oh yeah that is pricey! I agree with you, she is probably trying to "buy" an invite (if you overthink we think alike then lol), or guilt trip you. I would be the bigger person, write the thank you note, and maybe after the wedding passes make a decision on the gift! Definitely don't accept that Insta follow haha!
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Just Said Yes September 2019
Sr123 · on July 1, 2019 at 12:50 PM
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Thanks ladies for your feedback I feel a little bit less crazy now! I’m going to send her a thank you note and take the high road.
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Expert November 2019
Kiley · on July 1, 2019 at 12:53 PM
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Honestly, I would just send her a thank you card for the gift and leave it at that. You do not owe her an explanation or an invite. Her feelings may be hurt due to not being invited, but unfortunately you had to make decisions and cuts and she didn't make the list. I think her comments are more of her trying to feel out if you are inviting her.. she may very well not know or if she does, she may be pushing for an invite.
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Savvy October 2020
Alexandria · on July 1, 2019 at 3:50 PM
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I would politely thank her for the gift and explain that you are having an intimate wedding but that you appreciate her well wishes. I would then block her from anything you post wedding related (you can do this by limiting posts and pictures from your Facebook under privacy. If she isn't getting the visual fuel then she wont have anything to talk about. And that way you can post stress-free to your other family and friends
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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on July 1, 2019 at 6:57 PM
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Wow I would unfriend and or block this second cousin! Thank her for the gift and give her an opportunity to be honest about her feelings.. that can give her the chance to stop being passive aggressive but also one for you to let her know that it's not really personal. By no means does a giving a gift mean she should be invited or is entitled to treat you poorly.
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