Uninvited Plus One

I would let her have the plus one.
She's been widowed less than a year. I can't imagine that some aspects of the wedding won't be difficult for her.

“Due to COVID, we have had to limit our guest list to only those listed on the invitation, and aren’t able to accommodate additional guests. Sorry for any confusion, and I hope you are still able to make it!”

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This wording PP suggested is perfect. Also, since it's your FH's aunt, I'd have him send the message to her

How many people did you invite to the wedding and how many are you expecting to come? Would other guests feel offended if this extra uninvited guest was there? Did your aunt make a mistake or is she oblivious to proper etiquette? Sorry for all the questions. I just need a little more information

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This.

If she shows up with a plus one no-one knows, all the other people who *didn't* get plus ones, will notice, and will be confused.

Not to mention, it's terribly rude on the part of FH's aunt.

Hello Lindsey:
I would uninvite the +1 ASAP. Not only because of COVID and restrictions, but even without COVID it's rude and selfish of her to add a name when she knows she's not allowed to bring a plus one.
Plus : I'm not sure why she would bring this person while some +1 and some of your friends couldn't make the cut.Call her and explain that you don’t have room for her guest OR you would rather invite someone you and you partner actually know. She should be understanding, COVID or not.

Your situation is the reason why my partner and I are doing digital invites .& RSVP, so our guests can't add names: some of them did it when my sister and brother In-law sent out their invites and I didn't forget it. My sis called those who did it to say the ones they added wouldn't be allowed to enter (there were security guards included by the venue and we are hiring them too).

Period.

I agree with everyone on this. She needs to respect you and your boundaries. She added a name when she more than likely knew she didn't get a plus one. It's rude to just add a plus one for yourself. I'd have your fiance call her asap and tell her that because of covid she can't have a plus one.

First year after my husband died I started to fall apart at each of 3 weddings and a 30 year and 25th year Anniversary. What kept me together was a friend who attended with me who would not have gone ( not close) without my being so needy.

Initial thought was tell her no, until I read that her husband died so recently. Allow the plus one. As joyous as the day will be, she will no doubt be feeling bouts of sadness. This friend will of comfort to her. Unless you are truly at capacity and can not fit one more person.
I also don’t think you’re wrong to say no, especially since she didn’t ask before adding them. But, I don’t think it would be kind and gracious to allow it.

Thanks for the input everyone! For clarification, we did an online rsvp but included an optional mail in option just in case some people had a hard time. She was the only person on the entire guest list to use the mail-in option. Both the envelope and online form only included her name, whereas she wrote-in herself and a guest on the rsvp card.

Also, our guest list was originally 240 and we are currently having to cut it to about 100. So we are very limited, and honestly have a lot of friends that aren’t going to be able to be invited.

This is a difficult situation because her husband passed away recently, but I'd probably tell her she can't bring the +1 because of the Covid restrictions. It sucks, but since you had to cut so many people who are important to you I don't think you should feel bad about not allowing the +1.

You can compromise, if you really want to to suck it up,: for example you can give her a + 1 but under one condition: she can only bring a person you know ,you don't dislike and you are not uncomfortable around, of course?

Honestly Lisa: I may be in the minority on this but I wanna tell you what I think. Besides the compromise I suggested, the fact that her husband passed away less than a year ago shouldn't be a factor because:

1) She knows other guests, your partner's family! She won't be alone.
2) Bringing the person she added on the card doesn't mean that your wedding will be less emotional,diffucult for her. If she's having a hard time, it won't be easier to deal with these emotions because she's coming with a + 1 ...

I agree with the others about politely uninviting her plus one

I think I would let it slide if I could fit the person in. Yeah, it isn't proper ettiquette but I would make an exception if possible. The circumstances of just losing her husband and the support a friend may provide would trump any thoughts I had about how anyone else would feel. Your aunt is family and not some random coworker.

View Quoted Comment Agree with this. She knows family at the wedding who is invited so she will not be lonely. The plus one should not slide. Unfortunately some older people who do know manners do not think they apply to them. If she is still grieving after a year and uncomfortable attending alone, declining would have been the better option.

I get the whole empathy toward "she was just widowed and maybe a friend would help her get through it" but... If it's that hard for her, she just shouldn't go.

I skipped two weddings after my dad died because I made the mistake of going to one and I cried through the father-daughter dance (was not expecting that to get me), so I said, nope, this is a bad time for weddings for me.

She knows she wasn't extended a plus-one. If she requires emotional support to make it through the wedding, then she should decline attending.

Sorry, but when it comes to death, no one is special - everyone has experienced it, it doesn't give her special privileges and doesn't mean she gets to make everyone else uncomfortable because she is.

This can be approached gently - a phone call to explain, "we saw you RSVPed for a guest, unfortunately this person is not on our guest list and due to capacity restrictions we are unable to accommodate them."

View Quoted Comment I agree with this

View Quoted Comment I also agree with this

I may be way off but if her plus one is due to not wanting to be alone after such a loss then why didn't she kindly call you and explain this would make it easier for her. Just mailing in the rsvp makes me wonder. If it wasn't covid I would whole heartedly say look the other way because then it's about the money but 140 of your friends don't get to come. Everyone needs to be mindful of sacrifices that are being made due to the pandemic. She will have family that will rally around her but you need to weigh the consequences. Good luck.