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Expert May 2021

Uninvited family

on April 8, 2019 at 9:44 AM Posted in Planning 0 19
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It’s me again. I know zero people who know proper wedding etiquette so this is my go to space for wedding questions. Sorry ladies and gents!


My FH and I have an odd issue with invites. We both have large families but mine are mostly local and his are pretty spread out. He was really close to his cousins growing up but no so much his uncles (they’re basically all an odd bunch). He also works with the public so he has A LOT of friends. I have very few friends that I’m close to and have kept in contact with over the years. He wants to invite ALL of his family and ALL of his friends but we really need to keep our guest list right at 125. My guest list, including friends and family is around 40-45 after he added cousins, their kids and his friends and their kids pushed us to a guest list of 190+. He thinks his family won’t attend and wants to send out invites to everyone with that thought in mind. My worry is that his uncles and the few cousins that live there travel in like a pack. If one decided to go they’ll get a big van and they’ll ALL show up. We can’t afford to have that happen. I get that 100% might not show but what if they DO? I feel really uncomfortable sending invites to 190+ people when we’ve budgeted for 125 and our venues max is 250 (which is really squeezing them in - 150 would be the max I would put in that space). He prefers that his close family and friends be invited. Is there something that we could send the cousins and uncles that aren’t invited, like an announcement after we’re married that won’t seem rude? We will have a total of 125 or so guests and nearly half of those will be my FH’s friends so we can’t really play the “there was no space” card since we could easily univite friends to allow space for cousins.

19 Comments

  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    Absolutely don’t invite more than you can afford to host. You’re right that it’s not likely you’ll get 100% yes’s on your RSVPs, but it’s possible and that’s what matters. Your FH is going to have to make some cuts, there’s no way around it. You can send marriage announcements as soon as the day after the wedding to anyone who wasn’t invited.
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  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
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    Do not over invite. You cannot assume that people will not come. I have an 86 person guest list, including FH and myself. I know that some of those on there have told my mom they can't go. I'm just waiting for the RSVP. However, our space holds 75. This is nerve wracking. It's really not the money. I know we would be fine with a person or two over. Just trust me, it is not worth it to play this game. If he wants to invite that many people, he needs to have a plan to pay for them. Maybe that's not an issue, idk.
    I don't think sending an announcement is necessary and I don't think it will make the uninvited feel included or special.
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  • H
    Dedicated March 2019
    Heidi ·
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    You could do 2 rounds of invites with a short turnaround time on the first set to the out of town family. Then you have the commitment either way and you could comfortably invite the local friends with a little less notice than then out of towners.
    Mall of that being said assuming you didn’t send save the dates to everyone 😳
    option 2 - only invite who you really want to come and be done with it. It is your wedding, you (as a couple) get to decide.
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  • Allie
    Master August 2019
    Allie ·
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    Definitely don't over-invite. That's a really tough issue but we are only inviting close family to keep our numbers under 100. This meant my 2nd cousins didn't get invited. Which was kind of awkward but we just told them we decided to have a really small wedding.

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  • Future Mrs. K
    VIP June 2019
    Future Mrs. K ·
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    Agree with this. I have a really big family (I'm one of about 40+ cousins and second cousins) and we had to cut all of my second cousins to stay around our 100-120 guest list. Just explain you wanted to keep things smaller with immediate family and friends.

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  • VIP September 2019
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    I would definetly only invite the amount you have in your budget and that can comfortably fit in your venue. I explained to my fiance if you haven't seen or talked with them in over a year and you don't have their number are they really that important?
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  • Expert May 2021
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    That’s what I’ve told him. His friends will most likely RSVP it would be his family (uncles and the younger cousins) that would not rsvp and just decide to show up. Our date is the week before Thanksgiving and a few of his uncles are notorious for just showing up at his parents house a few days before the holiday with a cousin or two and just camping out in their basement for a week or a month or two! So, this would run us into two things: we would have zero space to put them and we would either run out of food or we would be charged the additional 25% for serving extra guests we didn’t account for. I’m doing assigned tables just in case some of them show up uninvited. We will set up a table for up to 10 guests who did not rsvp and show up anyhow and they will be the very last table to get food so our guests who rsvp’d are served. We’re also hosting a bagel truck at the end of the night and are only paying for our guests who rsvp’d. We will have a little cushion money just in case of whatever extra occurrs but our goal is to pay 100% cash for this wedding. If we invited the 190+ on this list we would have to bust out the credit cards and neither of us want that. We’re going to go through the guest list again tonight and one by one I’m going to ask him, “Do you want to pay $xx so _____ will be at our wedding?”
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  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
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    Good idea! Definitely go through the guest list and relate it to cost. I hope it goes well!
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  • Expert May 2021
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    Exactly this. All of his cousins are married and he/we weren’t invited to any of the weddings. I’m not offended at all, I get that weddings are expensive and people want to invite those close to them. It’s nice that they all made mud pies every summer until they were 12 but when we want to cut off at 125-130 guests we can’t invite every friend we’ve ever made or cousins we’ve not spoken to since we were teens. Even at this guest count we’re looking at 10-15k. All of my aunts/uncles are getting an invite but not the cousins. There are just way too many and I have cousins who I’ve not seen in years. This is our wedding. Not a reunion with some kfc buckets at the park. Lol.
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  • VIP September 2019
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    This is great and made me laugh. I agree 100%
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  • Expert May 2021
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    Thanks! I’m just glad he’s finally agreed to narrow it down. Our guest list is funny to look at right now. You can tell the ones we’re close to because I have the couples and their children all listed and then you get to his cousins and it’s: cousins name, (wife’s name is ??), 2 kids (maybe one or three - no idea of ages). 🤣 I mean, if we have no idea if they even have children or how old they might be do they really need an invite?
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  • Melissa
    VIP September 2019
    Melissa ·
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    My recommendation would be to not invite more than you have budgeted for. Cutting the kids out of the list would probably help a good amount.
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  • Hermione
    Expert February 2020
    Hermione ·
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    This is where you need a family member buffer like your mom or other close family. "They couldn't afford it." or "They wanted an intimate wedding."

    We are currently having this problem too. I am expecting a lot of backlash. We have 11 seats for 25 people.... Lord help me. A large wedding on a micro budget doesn't work well.
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  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
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    Lol imo, nope!
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  • Bluey8616f
    Devoted August 2018
    Bluey8616f ·
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    Big no. My husband tried to do this and I made him break down the costs if all those people said yes. He did still send one invite to a friend who moved to Californian. Said they would never come but low and behold they did wind up coming and treated it as a vacation to see their family in NJ.

    Its amazing the number of people who you think won't come but wind up RSVP yes.

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  • Expert May 2021
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    Right?! That’s exactly what I’m telling him. His cousins are all mainly bunched up in/around the same area and his uncles are elsewhere in another little bunch. Half can’t stand one another. They only live a 4 hour drive away. Who’s to say they don’t just all decide to get together and all come? They’ve entertained the idea of a reunion and I told him what better time to do it than our wedding when the food and venue is already free? 😬 Nope. Nope. Nope. His friend and family lists are both twice the size of mine and it’s just crazy to think that you honest to God have 140+ people you need at your wedding. I mean, I understand it being that with our list combined but no way is one persons that much!
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  • CDickman
    VIP September 2019
    CDickman ·
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    Be careful with B listing. A lot of people find it rude and hurtful.
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  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
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    You can still say "there was no space," because you don't have to answer to why you had friends there instead. It's your wedding, invite who you want. There was some family members I couldn't invite, but still invited all of my friends. And I wouldn't send anything afterwards, that would be odd to me. Just don't invite them, and IF they ask, tell them it was a hard decision but due to budget/space reasons y'all weren't able to invite everyone you wanted to. They should understand that.

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  • Expert May 2021
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    That sounds like a good plan to me. He’s worried about hurt feelings but I don’t think it will be an issue since it’s been so long since the people we are cutting have even spoken to us. That will save us on some stamps and stationary as well. I just did a rough draft of the cuts and we’re still at 154. There are a lot of toddlers & babies in that count but still, toddlers and babies require seating. 😬
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