Uninvited bridesmaid

Are you prepared to lose her as a friend?

What contact details do you need from her? Have you talked to her just as a friend lately, not wedding related?

ETA: BM's aren't required to be at all events. There's just a lot wrong in this situation, but it looks like most of it is on you.

I'm kind of confused. So she asked you if she could be a bridesmaid and you said yes? And now you think she is too busy and you want her to back out?

1) All a bridesmaid is required to do is purchase the dress and be there on your wedding day. They don't have to attend any other events or do any work for you

2) It's probably a friendship-ending move to kick a bridesmaid out. I'm assuming she means something to you. Don't kick her out.

I'm confused...what? "I've ready since trying to obtain contact details needed and she has yet to respond" What does that mean?

I've corrected typos

Sticky situation I had someone immediately think they were going to be in the BP but thankfully I thought ahead of time n had a response. I'm keeping it family.

She said "I'm so excited to be a bridesmaid" I never asked her. I felt backed into a corner to agree. I already have five women in the party. Six feels like too many

Did you try to get her to talk herself out of this process and it backfired on you?

You're a grown woman. Stop letting yourself get backed into corners and stand up for what you want.

Well first of all, did you ever ask her to be a BM?

Second, she is not required to attend all your pre-wedding events. Like you said, she has a LIFE, and other things going on. She should not be expected to drop everything she's doing to attend your parties or whatever other stuff you have planned.

I will agree with Taylor, most of what's wrong in this situation is you and your ridiculous expectations.

I mean, you should have addressed it then and there. It sounds like you've let it go too far, there's no way to tell her now without ruining the friendship.

I'm guessing what you meant was that sje just assumed she was going to be a bridesmaid and you didn't want to hurt her feelings and tell her the truth? This is a sticky situation and now that you have let her think this for what seems like a while, you should let her be a bridesmaid. It would truly hurt my feelings if one of my close friends didn't want me in their wedding.

Can you clarify how your initial conversation went with her? You told her you were engaged, she was happy for you, she said she was excited to be a BM, and then what exactly did you say?

After she said she was excited to be a bridesmaid, I said I hadn't thought about having her as one.

Thanks for all the kind comments and genuine help. But I don't need any more advice. It's clear that this issue was all my own fault and doing. I didn't realize I was being so selfish. I thought these posts were for support and help but it seems like it it's just for blame and shame. I see that most of you were being kind and helpful. So thank you to those people. I'll just talk to her about it.

Good luck to you all and thanks again to those who were kind.

Just because she lives hours away and has kids doesn't mean she fulfill her one and only obligation as a BM (show up in the dress). She has no other obligations, to be clear.

From what I understand, you just went along with it when she made herself bridesmaid. You could have said no...that's 100% your fault. So no, there's not a way to talk her out of the position without being rude and hurting her feelings.

ETA: What did you want us to say? That it wasn't your fault and that she'll get over it? Nope. This is actually NOT a support group.

Your wedding is in February. There's nothing you need to contact her about now.

1. I have 6 BMs.. I dont' see what the problem is there...

2. Its your own fault for letting her think she's a bridesmaid and then agreeing to it - you should have corrected that or even side stepped the conversation with "we haven't picked out our bridal parties yet" and then she would get the hint when she isn't asked

3. What could you possibly need her to do at this point? ALL she needs to do is show up and wear a dress. if it IS too much for her, then she will back out on her own. Chill.

What kind of support are you wanting? Its not our job to support you if you're wrong

If she is your friend who you profess to love then be direct and tell her the truth. It does not sound like she has the issue. It does appear that you do for whatever reason. If you value her as a friend then just be honest. Its your day.

If you are worried that 6 is too many - then if her schedule becomes a problem and she ends up backing out, what's the problem? To me, this is a situation where there is room for one more if she wants to be a bridesmaid that badly. And if it doesn't work out, then its ok, right? No one's feelings would be hurt. No rule book says you have to have a specific or even number of BM/GMs either, if that is the issue. Don't stress about this. I think its great that you have a friend who is this excited for you - just go with it!

It's easy for everyone to scold you about not being direct with your friend right away, but honestly, it's rude for a friend to assume they get a position of honor.

Perhaps the fair thing would be to tell her she's not actually a bridesmaid and if she gets hurt by that it's her own fault for making assumptions.

Now the gracious thing, however, would be to just leave her in the BP. If you wanted her out you needed to do that right away. By waiting, I think you may have lost the opportunity to do that in a way that leaves your friendship on good terms.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this awkward situation. Weddings are stressful enough.

Yeesh. A lot of these comments make me hesitant to ask for advice.

I know you don't need any further advice. But for what it's worth, I understand your situation completely. I don't particularly feel like you did anything wrong. If someone unprovoked says "I'm so excited to be a bridesmaid", that's not an easy thing to know what to do with in the heat of the moment. Being the bride, it's sometimes hard not to run around trying to please everyone else and make your wedding the wedding of your friends and family's dream. I applaud you for trying to be delicate and preserve your friend's feelings on a decision that both of you will remember forever.

On another point, I also don't see anything wrong with wanting your BP at all of your wedding events. Traditionally, that is part of the point and reason for BMs. This is not to say that anyone who does it different is wrong, it's simply to say that the initial post wasn't wrong either. It seems like a lot of people are saying to grow up and make your own decisions and then demanding that its ridiculous for you to want your BP at events. But I suppose I'm just throwing fuel on the fire now. Anyway, good luck and I hope everything works out. No stress.

Ok first, giving advice doesn't mean we have to blow sunshine and rainbows up your ass. Many of the members here are telling you what your guests, potential bridal party members, etc would be thinking of your behavior or actions but would care about you too much to tell you. The other members here have no emotional connection to you so we can tend to be more honest and blunt. Its not a personal attack, its simply trying to show you how you will appear to those that mean the most to you. And I would have been mortified if I came off as rude to my nearest and dearest.

OP I think you are stuck here. She backed you into a corner and you let her. As others have said, your bridal parties have no mandatory responsibilities other than attending the wedding in the previously chosen attire. Now, many people here have found that members of their bridal party have offered to help, I had several of my BMs do the same. If that is the case, great! But remember that the responsibilities of this wedding are yours and your future spouse's. Attending events like showers are great if they can, but it should never be required.

And you might find she may be avoiding you because all she hears is wedding from you. I know I tried really hard not to make every conversation with friends about the wedding while I was planning. If they asked, then I talked about it but I rarely brought the subject up. Call her as a friend and say you noticed she has been distant and you want to make sure everything is ok.

I had a couple BMs who had a lot on their plate but I left the decision to participate up to them. I did tell them that if at any time they felt they could no longer be a part of the bridal party to let me know. I would not be upset and they could absolutely attend as a guest if that is what they preferred. But let something like that be their decision, not yours. Be patient with people, your wedding is always going to be more important to you. Plus, you are still a ways out. You will find that those closest to you will get more excited once the event gets closer.