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Just Said Yes August 2020

Unhappy with fiance's selection of groomsmen

Ashley, on January 28, 2020 at 11:36 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 16

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Okay, so I cant help but feel like maybe I am being petty, but Im unhappy about one of my future husband's groomsman.

We agreed to do 3 bridesmaids/groomsmen plus a best man/maid of honor, so 4 total. We wanted it to be equal.
My problem is specifically with one of my future husband's selection for a groomsman. The person in question is a close friend of my fiancee from childhood. He now lives over ten hours away, and has since before we met, so I will admit I havent gotten that chance to really get to know him. That said, whenever he has been in town (2-3 times a year) I feel like I know him. I have sevoral issues with the selection, he is incredibly awkward in any sort of social situation, and has moments of being outright innapropriate. Sadly I suspect he has mental issues (think towards being on the spectrum). He also has a habit of drinking very heavily in social situations, to the point of extreme inebreation.
I have no issue with him being at the wedding, my problem is that with how our wedding is set up, he would be seating with us at the head table and I would basically have to deal with his antics and awkwardness all night.
I understand that my fiancee sees him as a really good friend and am trying to understand his reasoning, but its hard. Ive communicated as much to my fiancee, and to his best man (best friend from college/adulthood and a good friend of mine as well), but fiancee just says it is his decision and that I should give him a chance. His best friend acknowledged my worries, but obviously cant do anything and doesnt want to rock the boat.
I just dont know if this is a hill I should die on/make an arguement out of, or if I should just accept that he is a friend of my fiancee and let his pressence drag down my perfect day. Am I in the wrong?

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16 Comments

Latest activity by Teresa, on January 29, 2020 at 4:50 PM

Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on January 28, 2020 at 11:48 PM
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You have absolutely no say in who your FH wants standing next to him to witness his marriage, just like he has no say in your party. The only time you’ll be seated at the head table is for dinner and honestly, if you’re more focused on a groomsman than your brand new husband at your own wedding, you should re-evaluate.
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Expert February 2020
Givemeallthepups · on January 28, 2020 at 11:49 PM
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I feel like your groom should have the full ability to pick his party. While he may not be your favorite person, he’s clearly important to your groom.
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Savvy October 2020
Jennifer · on January 28, 2020 at 11:58 PM
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I’m still working on making sure my fiancé’s opinion/choices are heard and respected in this wedding planning process. If your only issue is that you don’t want him at your head table then maybe just do a sweetheart table.. I had a hard time deciding between the two but ultimately chose a sweetheart table because I wanted my bridal party to be able to be with their family during the reception. Plus I feel like if I’m seated next to my bridesmaids I’m gonna be focused on chatting with them then focused on my husband
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on January 29, 2020 at 5:58 AM
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This is a hill you should die on. At the end of the day you don't know if your future husband has a problem with one of your bridesmaids. How would you feel if he came up to you and said hey I don't really like when your bridesmaids and he'd rather not have her be in your bridal party. You would take offense correct? Even if you don't like his friend and is his friend. I would say maybe have a big issue with him if he tried to hit on you or he is rude and disrespectful to your husband. At the end of the day we may not like our partners friends and vice versa but as long as they are a little respectful to you even if in some situations they can be a little bit Brash he still has the right to have that guy because it is his wedding too so I wouldn't let that be something that stresses you out. Plus I am pretty sure if you want to tell him that he can't be in his wedding party it is going to kind of start all kinds of problems and that's going to be a red flag for him in regards to start of your wedding that you're trying to control what he does. I'm not trying to be rude to you but that's where I could see that going.
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Dedicated April 2021
Flame Princess · on January 29, 2020 at 8:27 AM
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It is absolutely none of your business if hes on the spectrum or not. If youre worried about his drinking cut him off after two.
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Super September 2018
Rachel · on January 29, 2020 at 8:29 AM
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Do a sweetheart table instead. Respect your FH’s choice, this person must mean a lot to him in ways you may not be aware of. Ask your FH if he wouldn’t mind kindly asking his friend to tone it down for your wedding, given all the different types of people and the importance of the day. If this person really truly is on the spectrum, he might struggle with understanding your request via FH. I’d take this opportunity to educate yourself on some of the struggles he may be facing and how you can better adapt or accommodate. Doesn’t sound like this is the last time you’ll see this friend, so it’s in your best interest to find a way to cope.
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VIP February 2020
Lauren · on January 29, 2020 at 9:07 AM
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Ultimately, your FH has control of who he wants to be in the wedding. I wouldn't push the issue because I'm assuming you wouldn't want him telling you who or who can't be a bridesmaid. If you don't want to sit with the groomsmen at the reception, do a sweetheart table! We're doing a sweetheart table. I'm excited to have some "alone time" with FH at dinner!
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Master September 2019
Sherry · on January 29, 2020 at 9:24 AM
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You don't get to choose who he picks to be by his side just like he don't get to choose yours. If the head table is your biggest issue, have a sweetheart table.
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Dedicated October 2019
KAREN · on January 29, 2020 at 9:50 AM
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You'll need to grin and bear it. The good news is that as it's your wedding day, you have every right to ignore him if he's being belligerent.
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Expert May 2016
needmorewine · on January 29, 2020 at 10:42 AM
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Yes, you're in the wrong. This is your fiance's wedding too, it isn't only about you. You don't get any say in who he chooses as groomsmen. This groomsman is a good long time friend and is important to him, if you continue to push this it could cause issues in your relationship. If my husband had cared more about an idea of a "perfect" day than about respecting my feelings and relationships with friends I would have started seeing him in a whole new unfavorable light.
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Master 0000
Judith · on January 29, 2020 at 11:46 AM
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The drinking issue is entirely within your contol. As a host, you are never supposed to serve anyone until they have too much and are out of control. Talk with your bartenders, caterer, and vendor. Make sure No One at your wedding receives more than 2 drinks ( standard shot) in their first hour and one drink per hour after. And close the bar 1/2 hour to an hour before the end if it is a long reception. As for having him in the BP, aside from those who are violent or engaged in criminal behavior,. your groom should be the only one to select his party, not you, not family. And same with his personal friends after marriage. And you need to be civil and respectful when you do meet Hubby's friends. You don't have to like all his family or all his friends. They don't have to like you, ever. But you need to accept his judgement and choices, and simply minimize the amount of time with those you don't like, to large parties or several times a year. This is a basic part of marriage. You are lucky to have a guy who can see the good in other people, without finding them embarrassing, or wanting to exclude those with limited social skills. Being generous, accepting and tolerant are nice personality traits. If you have a child who is not perfect, surely you won't distance yourself, or find it okay if others do, will you?
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on January 29, 2020 at 11:57 AM
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I personally think you're in the wrong. He is a close friend to your fiance and your fiance wants him as a groomsman. That's all that should matter.
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Lady · on January 29, 2020 at 12:57 PM
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Yes, you're in the wrong. You get no say in your H's groomsan selection. If you dont' want to sit with him - rethink your "head table" idea. put the bridal party at regualr tables and have a sweetheart table. Or seat him on the other side of your H so you dont' have to talk to him directly.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on January 29, 2020 at 1:35 PM
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I agree with Judith, you can give your bar a heads up about this guy. I feel as though he would probably behave the same as your expectations, or worse, if he was just a guest. The responsibility of being a groomsman may make him think about his actions a little more. If you are extremely worried about, see if your venue has security or hire a security guard. If you think this guy is going off the deep end after a few drinks, have security cut him off or remove him. Although, you should trust your fiance to pick their own wedding party and not try to pick for them.
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Master 0000
Judith · on January 29, 2020 at 2:32 PM
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I did not say something I wanted to first time, but on rereading the hread, wish I had.
"I just dont know if this is a hill I should die on/make an arguement out of, or if I should just accept that he is a friend of my fiancee and let his pressence drag down my perfect day. Am I in the wrong?". This is not your perfect day, and it is not supposed to be. If you want a perfect wedding, you can write a script, hire actors, and make a movie, shoot and reshoot til it matches your vision. But weddings are a gathering of people important in your life and FI"s. Some are relatives. Others are friends of your choosing. But even they come with SO you must accept as a package deal, they are a couple. As soon as you have a group of people, you need to accept, people are not perfect, including you. And if you start thinking people need to change or begone if they don't match your vision of perfect, you need to think again. It is never right to be unkind to others, as hubby's friends, over things they cannot change.
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Devoted October 2020
Teresa · on January 29, 2020 at 4:50 PM
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I think with the mindset of "let his pressence drag down my perfect day." you are already on the lookout for any and everything he does to bother you. So first thing to do is try working on your mindset and telling the FH again that you are just needing him to hear and listen to your concerns.
I would start with telling him that it is his choice and you are more than willing to respect that but like any healthy relationship you both need to let this friend know that there will be boundaries that should not be crossed. If you can both agree on a way to keep him from over drinking then I would decide on that now. If that means a limit on all for drinks and nothing hard be served at the wedding or the reception then so be it.
As brides who have big plans and dreams for our perfect day we often times forget that the FH may have been or is just as excited about it as we are. They are not always as open to hearing our concerns as we would like them to be but I also think a lot of that has to do with our approach.
Try just opening the discussion with a positive outlook and just tell him you are not saying "NO" you are just saying hear me out and let's try to have a plan of action as a just incase the buddy gets too close to the "no go boundaries".
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