Unbiased feedback pls

You and fiance decide who makes the guest list. There is never any excuse for others to pressure the couple into inviting people they are not close to. Obligatory invites need to end.

Was she close to you before this? Who knows why people do anything. But it's not worth burning bridges over.

I don't think you HAVE to invite anyone. Is your mom paying for your wedding? If so, you may just need to bite the bullet and invite her.

I know you said you weren't super close to her - do you speak at all? If not, I wouldn't really be offended that she hasn't acknowledged your engagement. But on the other hand, I also wouldn't feel obligated to invite someone I don't speak to, family or not. So I think its kind of circumstantial!

Just honest feedback, I think you are being a bit dramatic.

My FH side of the family never said anything about us being engaged but are all coming to the wedding which now they say they are excited for. I know that may make it seem like they simply dont care but often a lot of people dont even think about someones wedding until right before because it does not affect their lives. Ultimately, you need to do what feels right to you.

I don't think anyone is obligated to respond to news of your engagement (except for very close family and friends who you tell in person or individually via text, email), but I also don't believe people should invite others to their wedding out of obligation. I think it's a little odd she didn't acknowledge the save the date, but then again, it's not an invite, she's not "required" to. TBH it sounds like you're fixating on this and making a mountain out of a molehill. If you like her and want her there (outside of drama regarding acknowledging your engagement), then invite her. If you don't like her in general, then don't invite her.

I went through a similar situation with my first cousin who never acknowledged my engagement. Never really congratulated me. I just chalked it up to jealousy and I plan on inviting her anyway.

While I completely understand you feeling hurt and dismissed by your cousin, I have to agree with your mother. It definitely would be the mature and easier thing to invite her. Who knows, there could be something major going on in your cousin’s life that is taking precedence over everything else. Or maybe she’s completely ecstatic for you from afar! It sounds like otherwise your relationship with your cousin is good, and you would have invited her had she reached out to you. I don’t think Invitations to weddings should be contingent upon whether or not someone outwardly shows excitement for you. And it’s not as though she has done anything mean or harmful to you to damage your relationship. If I were you, I would take the high road and invite her. I would probably try to open the line of communication by reaching out to her as well just to see how she was doing.

Some of my cousins haven’t mentioned my engagement to me, but I don't think they aren’t happy for me. I just assume it’s because I live several thousand miles from them and we only really hangout at the holidays.


I think you are slightly overreacting. Also, I think most people don’t RSVP to save the dates.

I understand why you’re upset because I feel that same way, but besides the people I am closest to, no one acknowledged my engagement. Even my mother in law lol. People just don’t care as much as you do. I know it sucks. I totally feel for you!!

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Ouch, your mother in law?!

View Quoted Comment Yep. as soon as we announced our engagement my relationship with his mom went out the window. The closest we got was “I saw her ring in the Costco add on sale, take it back for a lower price” which was rude and not even my ring lol.

A wedding truism: You should only invite people you and/or your future spouse are close to to your wedding. Family, unless they are paying for the wedding, don't get to dictate guest lists. That said, I can't tell from your post if you had much of a relationship with this person before you got engaged. Keeping track of who "acknowledged" your engagement as a way of building a wedding guest list doesn't make sense for a number of reasons (is she the only one on your guest list who failed to acknowledge your engagement? Do you speak to her regularly?).

This is the one clear reason why you should send her an invitation: you sent her a save the date. It's extremely rude to send someone a save the date with no follow up invitation. And people are not required/obligated to respond to save the dates. I have only ever mentioned one if I received one and then soon after happened to see the person that sent it.

Your feelings were hurt, and you are of course allowed to feel your feelings. But that doesn't mean you should take retaliatory action. This person, based on the information you have provided, did nothing wrong.

It seems like there may be underlying issues with her aside from this issue as well possibly? Whatever the case may be, It seems like you don’t want to invite her clearly. It’s your wedding day. Don’t invite her. If anyone has a problem with it, they don’t need to go.

I mean, are you close with this cousin? I would estimate that maybe 11 or 12 of my cousins never acknowledged my engagement, but the notion of potentially not inviting them to my wedding just for this reason never even crossed my mind.

You don't have to invite anyone. It's your choice.

You don’t need to invite anyone you don’t want to of course.
That said - how much regular contact did you have prior to this? The last year has been...hard for a lot of people, and many have become withdrawn. If she has been feeling anxious, depressed, suffered employment issues, had friends or family ill or worse, or a slew of other things, she may not be communicating much with anyone.
Yes, it would have been nice of her to congratulate you and it’s hurtful. And yes, your mom doesn’t get to tell you what to do. It comes down to a cost benefit analysis - is any family hard feelings fallout worth the satisfaction of not inviting her? If so, you know your answer.

Without knowing the exact relationship you have with this person, I would say this is not a reason not to invite her. No one has to say anything to you about your engagement. I have some cousins who haven't, & I don't think any of my FH's cousins have. We're still inviting them, because that's our relationship--not a lot of chat in between family events, but everyone invites everyone to parties & that's when we spend time together. And with the pandemic, I've seen them less, and maybe they would have said something if we had been together at Christmas...but we'll never know! But generally, not something to spend a lot of time or energy on. Choose to invite her or not, but I wouldn't choose not to invite her for this reason alone.

Love, not everyone would be happy for you! Speaking from experience from my family , they didn’t even bother saying congratulations. A couple months after my engagement I went to my niece birthday party and one of my older cousins from my dad side said to me “ I better get an invitation” I’m like hahahaha. Then few months later I just sent his mom (aunt) and dad (uncle) a save the date only to both their names not “the family of xxxx”. I’ve heard so many crazy stories about this cousin because he’s a low life smoke weeds does not pay rent.”, losing jobs all the time ,doesn’t have much going on for himself. We are not that close. and my parents are his godparents so my aunt and uncle are so close to my parents so that’s why I know what this cousin is up to. I would say don’t her but it depends because I’m having a destination wedding and it will be very intimate.

If you talk often and she hasn’t acknowledged it, that’s strange and should be discussed. If you never talk, it’s not super surprising. Being engaged is a very big deal to you, but it isn’t going to be a huge thing for people who aren’t really part of your life. Save the dates also don’t require a response. Some people let you know they got them while others say nothing. That’s totally okay! I wouldn’t assume that it means she’s not happy for you if you don’t talk normally.
Since you’re hurt, you may want to try talking with her about it if you feel you have the type of relationship where you can do that without it blowing up.
I will say that if it’s important to your mother and you already sent the save the date, you should probably just invite her. Sending a save the date and then changing your mind is considered to be very rude and will likely cause issues.

Agreeing with a lot of the above sentiments.

What kind of relationship do you have with this person? What sort of engagement and save the date acknowledgement were you expecting?

We got a lot of congratulations on our engagement, but not from everyone, and barely anyone commented on our save-the-dates. Heck, only a handful of people reached out after we downsized from 120 to 35. There's no obligation for people to say anything, and sometimes even if they want to, they're not sure what.

While you have every right to invite/not invite anyone you want, particularly if you are paying, if the lack of acknowledgement is the only reason you don't want to invite her, you should rethink that stance. It seems like it would make your mom happy for her to be there as well. I wouldn't dwell on this unless there's something else going on, and send the invite.

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All of this. You should invite her now because you sent her a STD. Nobody is obligated or should feel obligated to respond to a STD. Why are you keeping track of who has or has not congratulated you for getting engaged? Why do you assume that someone who doesn't contact you to say congratulations on your engagement doesn't care about your wedding?