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Adrianna
Dedicated June 2020

Unask Bridesmaids / Reduce Bridal Party / Covid-19

Adrianna, on May 22, 2020 at 8:52 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 21
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Well before COVID, I had been thinking that I asked too many girls to be my BMs. I have 7 BMs, and I felt the overwhelmingness of it especially during my bridal dress appointments. It was stressful to say the least. No one had my back.

Now with this whole COVID thing, I have realized what's most important to me and people pleasing is not one of those. I am considering eloping on my original date and having a wedding celebration later this year (or next depending on what life looks like). I am feeling like I don't want that many BMs. I don't know how to explain it. With the elopement, I think I just now rather have a smaller more intimate bridal party. Honestly, I didn't even want to ask a couple girls to be BMs but I felt forced to - again people pleaser.

Has anyone gone/ is going through this? How did you "unask" your bridesmaids? Were they upset? The BM dresses are nonrefundable, but I was planning on paying the girls back for the dress.

COVID SUCKS! UGH!

21 Comments

  • Amazing Planning
    Dedicated June 2016
    Amazing Planning ·
    • Flag
    Hey ,you got the perfect out! Use it! Start " you know I would love for everyone to be there, but this dang virus making me dial all of it back...! Totally throw something when it's over(cough cough) ! Love you all!" No one can blame you for following the rules, and this would be the one time people would direct it at something other than you! Without this you would have a difficult time explaining 3 a party 7 a crowd.
    • Reply
  • Adrianna
    Dedicated June 2020
    Adrianna ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    Yes very true!! I feel like this pandemic is just allowing for all the rules to be broken. There is no "normal" right now.

    • Reply
  • Ashshaw2022
    Dedicated May 2022
    Ashshaw2022 ·
    • Flag

    Hi as long as your bridesmaids haven't spent any money on the dress I would say darn due to this virus my better half and I have decided to scale back the wedding and elope if they have bought a dress already offer to refund thier money take care and congrats on getting married.

    • Reply
  • Dj Tanner
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
    • Flag
    There’s a positive to everything… This is your one time get out of jail free card and an opportunity like this probably won’t ever happen again, LOL. If I were you I agree I would also reimburse them for the dresses. I know what it’s like to be a people pleaser and sometimes we make gut wrenching mistakes because of it that we have to suffer through. Keep in mind this is your wedding day! And to be honest, usually when people don’t have your back on something like their dresses it’s usually because they don’t actually want to be in your wedding probably just as much as you don’t want them in your wedding. I think your idea sounds perfect and you have to focus on yourself and your fiancé. As much as we want to please everyone around us, this is the one time in your life where You really just have to be a little selfish., but aside from that congrats girl you’re getting married!!!!
    • Reply
  • Mandee
    Devoted September 2020
    Mandee ·
    • Flag

    I think that if you have BM regret then you should simply say, "In the excitement of the initial proposal rush, I over asked people to be in the bridal party. Due to the added stress and restrictions, we aren't able to have as many people as we like and we're having to shrink our bp to accommodate! I am so sorry and hope you'll still be able to celebrate with us at a later time!"

    • Reply
  • Neeva
    Rockstar September 2020
    Neeva ·
    • Flag

    I am thinking the same thing but it's going to be more based on distance for me. I think only the few bridesmaids who live driving distance will come and the ones who would need to fly will not. I'm giving them the option to still come but understand that many cannot and will not. I will offer to refund their dresses to those who cannot come.

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  • Catherine
    May 2021
    Catherine ·
    • Flag

    So you will keep some and not the others? Sorry but I think that will your hurt a lot.

    My daughter's June wedding was just canceled and moved to next year. But her 6 bridemaids all knew long before coronavirus that her dress shopping/fittings will just be her mother and maybe mother in law and the girls, while a bit bummed, understood. Too many opinions!

    You might feel better about everything given some time. This is a very stressful weird situation.

    I feel for you

    • Reply
  • Hayley
    Beginner May 2020
    Hayley ·
    • Flag
    I think if you do that, plan to lose them as a friend. I understand where youre coming from, and there is a couple BMs I wish I didn’t have now. One is being so negative with everything and she has been even before Covid. But, I know if I tell 2 of them they can’t be in it, they’ll probably never talk to me again.


    Personally I did not include BMs when finding dresses or really much of anything.. it was just me my mom and my maid of honor with some stuff. You could always take that approach.
    My mom told me I should definitely not have the one anymore, but it just seemed like it would create more drama and negativity! I’m just not going to include her in any planning or anything now.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith Online ·
    • Flag
    Provided you pay the ladies back for the dress, as you intend, many may be relieved, because they would rather no big gatherings, now, but do not want to let down a good friend. Any disappointed will at least understand, if they are good friends. It is only rude when you are arbitrary, cut some people not others, or cut but otherwise have same wedding. What you want is a complete downsizing, and you are doing it courteously. Do it. Say nice things about your friendship when you do. Just elope, or have a super small private ceremony. Your being married is the important thing. Have a long and happy marriage.
    • Reply
  • Courtney
    Super September 2019
    Courtney ·
    • Flag
    I would think you’ll hurt feelings unless you completely eliminate having a bridal party. I know there’s a lot going on with the virus and having a large BP adds stress but keeping some members and dropping others will definitely hurt. Maybe just ask everyone to attend as a guest and refund them for their dresses?
    • Reply
  • Sexypoodle
    VIP October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
    • Flag
    If you go that route, I think it’s “all or none”. It wouldn’t be cool to keep a few as bridesmaids and ditch the rest.... yet still invite them to be a guest. We aren’t having a bridal party at all, mainly because there’s actually no need for it. Plus we preferred that our friends enjoy the day stress-free (and “obligation-free”) as guests. Sounds like that would be a good plan for too, especially since you mentioned that “no one had my back”. Keeping a few bridesmaids at this point seems like you’d just be people-pleasing again unnecessarily.
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  • Elizabeth
    Rockstar June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag

    I think this is an all or none situation - you're probably going to hurt feelings if you pick and choose who to keep. There's no way to pretend there's no favorites there. I agree with PPs - you should consider having them all as guests and refunding all the dresses.

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  • Kari
    VIP May 2020
    Kari ·
    • Flag

    The pandemic is definitely forcing people to prioritize. If you are downsizing your whole wedding and doing a small elopement, I think your bridesmaids would understand that you need to cut down the size of the entire wedding, including number in your wedding party. If you offer to pay for their dresses they'll really appreciate that.

    • Reply
  • F
    Dedicated October 2020
    Future Mrs. T ·
    • Flag
    I think it’s a good idea to downsize but there might be a few hurt feelings. If you have any family members in your party maybe keep it to just family? That way it doesn’t look like you’re choosing favorites.
    • Reply
  • S
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Stacia ·
    • Flag

    My fiance and I just cut our bridal party down by 4 people. Leaving only our siblings in the wedding. We told them differently depending on how we thought they might take it, my fiance texted his friends in their group chat and said hey, don't worry about getting a suit we are only having siblings in the wedding and they all responded with silly photos of what they are going to wear now that they didn't have to coordinate. My (ex)friend on the other hand.. didn't take it well. I was beyond nice about everything and told her I understood that she was upset. She had purchased 2 used dresses so they couldn't be returned. When I unasked her to be a bridesmaid I offered to buy the 2 dresses from her since she wouldn't need them. Long story short - I paid her for the 2 dresses without physically having them and now cannot get them. It put me out money that I could have spent on the wedding. At the end of the day- go with your gut, she caused SO much drama all of the time and I am so relieved that is not something I will have to worry about on the big day, and don't offer to repay them for their dresses. if you repay 5 girls for their dresses that could be super expensive and a huge headache. If they can be returned you could always offer to help them with that process or help them advertise to resell. Its a day about you and your partner, so their feelings may be hurt but as long as your nice about it your true friends will be understanding.

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  • Adrianna
    Dedicated June 2020
    Adrianna ·
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    Thank you! That’s helpful!
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  • Adrianna
    Dedicated June 2020
    Adrianna ·
    • Flag
    Thank you ladies. I’ve read all the comments. I’m just super stressed out about everything going on. I don’t even know what’s right anymore. I’m not going to make any impulsive decisions. I’ve only just started thinking about downsizing BMs, but I don’t know what I even want to do. Weddings in the covid era sucks, so much so that I’m just so over it. I say I don’t even want to have the wedding anymore because I’m just tired. Tired of all this stress. Hopefully, I can figure out what I really want to do.
    • Reply
  • Adrianna
    Dedicated June 2020
    Adrianna ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you for sharing your story! I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to do. It’s just so stressful.
    • Reply
  • Christina
    Dedicated July 2020
    Christina Online ·
    • Flag
    I’m on the same boat. Honestly I just plan on being honest and saying my truth. I was a people pleaser before COVID and I’m learning from COVID and the way ppl have treated me during my wedding I don’t have to please people, I have to take care of myself first. So take care of you girl.
    • Reply
  • Fmv
    Super October 2020
    Fmv ·
    • Flag
    I honestly see no issue with it especially if you are paying them back for the dresses.
    If you take them out of your bridal party are you still inviting them to your wedding or are you cutting your list as well?
    I would personally would just pick 2 or 3 bridesmaids that you 100% need next to you and then tell the rest that you have decided to cut your wedding party and guest list due to covid and that you would still love for them to attend(if thats what you are planning)
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