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Just Said Yes October 2020

Two dilemmas to resolve

Jackie, on December 25, 2019 at 9:39 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 7

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I have two major family dilemmas to resolve and i'm stuck. Maybe i'm just using this to vent, but I have not figured this out and sounding it out might help:

1) bridal party: I have 4 sisters/in-laws. My fiancé is having 4 groomsmen. I am not particularly close to my sister or SILs. They are clique-ish, and I work long hours, so I don't really hang out much with them. We are also at very different stages in our lives. I'm older and a prominent professional in our small town. (i do not say that in any condescending manner). I was not included in their weddings (in any capacity), but I feel like I need to include them in mine. Additionally, due to an unhealthy relationship in the past, i do not have any old friends anymore. Most of my work friends are 30+years older and I do not want them as my bridal party. I'm stuck, but know I need to get moving on this issue asap. Any advice to mend fences and move forward is much appreciated.

2) divorced parents: actually they get along great. I have no problem with them being in the same room. But i haven't had my father at a family event in 10 years. We talk about 2x a year. I know he would come to an event for me, but he skipped my youngest brother's wedding 2 years ago. I am still upset about him doing that and have told him as such. Regardless, i feel obligated to invite him (and my stepmother). I think it's really bad for him to show up to my life events, but to not know his own grandchildren or go to his son's wedding. But at the same time i would feel incredible guilt if I don't invite him. I do not feel any obligation to include him in part of the wedding events, and will have my stepfather there for that role. Similar to above, I am just stuck, and can't quite figure out how to resolve the feelings of guilt and obligation.

tl;dr: Feel obligated to include sisters/SILs that I'm not close with in wedding, because I do not have a group of friends I'm close with. Also feel obligated to invite father that I haven't seen in 10 years, who will come to events because I'm firstborn child and only daughter, although he skips events for younger siblings, and can't resolve guilt if I don't invite him.

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Cassandra7, on December 25, 2019 at 12:37 PM

Beginner February 2020
Lou · on December 25, 2019 at 10:11 AM
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I have a lot of stimulation family tensions and I know that there is no perfect answer in these situations. So, I will just share my experience and hope that it may help you but I certainly don’t understand all of your dynamics.

The way I have approached these questions for my wedding is “what is the best way to show love and also not regret my decision later.” As you mentioned, I think that weddings can sometimes help us mend fences or can burn bridges - though they definitely should not be that way. I think that both of these issues are worth discussions with the family members.
I asked my sisters if they wanted to be included and they said yes. That went a long way. They then felt more inclined to be present because they had chosen it. It also smoothed over some tensions. But ultimately, if you had older bridesmaids, or no bridesmaids, I think that is ok too. Or if you just have one friend. Don’t worry about how it will look in pictures - at the end of the day it won’t matter.
My parents don’t get along, so I had to do quite a bit of jockeying to get to a place where my mom was comfortable with my dad even being invited. I knew that if I did not have my dad at my wedding, or at least give him the opportunity, I would regret it. I am so happy I talked to him about it. I got to express why I had reservations but that ultimately I wanted to honor and love him and that it would mean a lot if he would come. It would have been easier to just send him an invite and let him reply, but I thought it was a way to maybe understand more and hopefully resolve some of the distance. And hopefully he will come, he says he is planning on it. If you have that hard conversation and he doesn’t show up, it will be painful, but at least you know you did what you could. That’s how I look at it.
I don’t know if any of that helps you, but that way my experience.
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Beginner February 2020
Lou · on December 25, 2019 at 10:12 AM
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Also on the sisters - But maybe having them in the wedding is kind of an olive branch to creating some new relationships with them? You should not have to use your wedding like that, but it’s an opportunity to perhaps. You mention being a respected person, so maybe you will have to be the “big person” in the relationships to ignite them. If you want.
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Beginner February 2020
Lou · on December 25, 2019 at 10:19 AM
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One last thought - you could forego bridal party if your fiancé agrees. If you can’t decide if you want to open yourself up to the sisters being involved - maybe you each just pick 1 and have them by your side.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on December 25, 2019 at 10:27 AM
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1) About your SILs, do you want to get closer to them? If so, I think having them in your bridal party would be a great way to bond with them. Or, they could always be groomswomen. But don’t put people in your bridal party just for the sake of having even sides. These people are supposed to be the most important people in your life... they’re not props to make your photos look even.
I think mending fences is good, but I wouldn’t ask someone who you JUST mended the fence with, to be in your bridal party. It should be your nearest and dearest. And if you have fewer people than your FH, that’s ok!

2) invite your dad. It sucks that he seems to care so little about you guys, but personally I’d only exclude a nuclear family member if you were concerned they may do something to ruin your day. ie we didn’t invite my MIL because she literally told us that she intended to get drunk and make a scene if she came to our wedding. But if the worst thing your dad would do is not show up or act indifferent, then just extend the invite. If he’s not going to come, that’s his decision. You don’t want to be the one who cut HIM out... you shouldn’t have to live with that.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on December 25, 2019 at 11:33 AM
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1) Do not invite anyone you do not want by your side on that day. This would not be something to bring you ladies closer rather find other ways. Maybe as their thoughts on some small aspects of your wedding or have a get together at your place and just invite them for some wine and cheese. When is your wedding? I was asked to be a bridesmaid about a few months before a wedding lol...I had just become friends with my friend through cross fit. So if you ladies become closer then go for it but only if it is right to you. If we end up with a small wedding I know my FH won't do groomsmens nor will I force him but I would have 2 of my best friends to be my bridal party. You do not need bridesmaids for the sake of having them. You could forego or just have your mom and a close relative be your bridal party. Times are changing so do not worry about tradition.
2) invite him because he may come. If he doesn't then that is on him. Regardless of his decision do not let that ruin your day
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Devoted June 2022
Sophie · on December 25, 2019 at 11:51 AM
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That sounds like a difficult situation, and I’m sorry you are dealing with this! For the bridesmaids, I think you could really go either way and be totally fine. Either have no bridesmaids (which is perfectly okay) or have the 4 of them. Having them as bridesmaids doesn’t mean you have to be in touch constantly about the wedding or anything - it can mean as much or as little as you want it to.

I agree with PPs that you should invite your dad. If you would regret not inviting him, then it’s worth it.
Good luck!
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Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on December 25, 2019 at 12:37 PM
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Do not have a bridal party. It makes life much simpler and cheaper and easier in every way. (If your fiancé insists on having his sisters--a red flag in itself--they can stand with him.)
Invite your father and step-mother. Do not have him walk you down the aisle or in any way treat him as other than a regular guest--if he shows up.
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