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(TW: Abuse) I’m in the bridal party but my bf isn’t invited

Sarah, on June 16, 2022 at 11:40 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 13

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I’m a bridesmaid in my childhood friend’s wedding. I’ve been dating the same guy for 3.5 years, since college. They know each other from working at the same hospital and same university, saying hi in the hallway but never having a real conversation. During our relationship I have complained about him to her, I confided in her about him cheating and getting a physical. Now, she doesn’t want to invite him to her wedding. I asked how that could be since they have been nothing but cordial to each other. She said she doesn’t like me with him, she wants me to be with someone else. Because of this she doesn’t want to see him on her wedding day and did not extend the invitation to him. Is this wrong?

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13 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on June 17, 2022 at 5:28 PM

VIP September 2020
Willow · on June 17, 2022 at 2:53 AM
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What do you mean "getting a physical"? Has he hit you? If you have an abusive, cheating boyfriend, the real question you should ask if why are you still with him? I wouldn't want an abusive cheater at my wedding. I wouldn't want my friend dating one.
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VIP August 2021
Michelle · on June 17, 2022 at 5:52 AM
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That's not her place to dictate your love life. She's not in your relationship. I would decline being a bridesmaid as your friend is overstepping.
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Master July 2022
Imani · on June 17, 2022 at 7:36 AM
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Ehh, I can see both sides with this. Your business is your business and who you choose to be with is your decision. However, I also understand your friend, she jus want the best for you as all friends do. Typically, if you’re a guest your SO is your plus one, regardless of how she feels about him. But, if she doesn’t allow him to the wedding I’d assume you have to respect her wishes.
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Super September 2022
Sarah · on June 17, 2022 at 8:02 AM
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If it was a healthy relationship with your bf I would say yes, she is wrong and he should be invited. But since you said he’s “gotten physical” with you that’s a huge red flag and I wouldn’t want anyone that’s abusive at my wedding either. No, she shouldn’t dictate your relationship but she is thinking about everyone’s safety.
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Sarah · on June 17, 2022 at 8:29 AM
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Also important to know we live together
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Super October 2023
Kelly · on June 17, 2022 at 8:47 AM
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If you did mean "getting physical", then I'm with your friend. Abuse is a hard line and I wouldn't allow any abusers at my wedding, either. If that's not what you meant, then I agree she is overstepping.
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Devoted February 2023
Elycia · on June 17, 2022 at 9:25 AM
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I can honor both sides. If my friend had a partner I really hated I would go out on a limb and only invite the friend. You also have the ability to say no to being a bridesmaid and back out of the wedding. I dont want anyone at my wedding who is potentially going to cause issue, or who I know for a fact has done such horrible things to someone I cared about.
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Super May 2022
Sloane · on June 17, 2022 at 9:54 AM
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I see both sides. However leaning more to your friends side. Your relationship is your relationship, true. However you have invited her into that relationship through complaints about his behavior. Aside from not liking him for you she is no doubt most concerned about your safety given history of getting “physical” whic we all assume means physical abuse. Perhaps she fears tha he may escalate at your wedding and do the same? It seems with the context you have given us that she is protecting you as well as the fidelity of her day.
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VIP October 2022
Paige · on June 17, 2022 at 10:39 AM
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Generally speaking, the exception to the "invite everyone's significant other" rule is if the significant other is racist, violent, or similarly unpredictable and could potentially cause issues. That's not to say there isn't some grey area there or that it won't result in hurt feelings, but unfortunately, it seems like your friend believes your BF fits into the exception. It's your choice to forgive your BF and work through his past transgressions, but that doesn't mean your friend forgave him for hurting you. It's your choice to attend or not, but she does get to decide her guest list.
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on June 17, 2022 at 12:05 PM
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If your bf has indeed gotten physical with you, PLEASE leave this abusive relationship and get into domestic violence counseling. Abuse is not normal. It's not something that goes away on its own. It tends to escalate.

Your failure to clarify shows me that you want to sweep this under the rug
This is not a matter of etiquette. It's a matter of your physical safety and emotional well being, and possibly that of other guests
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on June 17, 2022 at 2:48 PM
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The exception to the rule about inviting spouses is if someone is bigoted/racist, violent, or at a danger to the guests attending.
If he has been physical with you that would be very difficult for me to welcome him to my wedding.
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Super October 2023
Alyssa · on June 17, 2022 at 3:50 PM
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Honestly maybe she's afraid of him causing a scene? He doesn't sound pike the most pleasant person to be around and many weddings are emotionally fueled by ETOH. Has her fiance met him as well or just her? How are seating arrangements? If there's a head table no plus one won't look weird, but if you sit at a table and everyone else has their date it might seem weird.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on June 17, 2022 at 5:28 PM
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In a healthy relationship, all significant others should be invited by name automatically. However because you mentioned that yours is abusive, that is a firm line in the sand for couples making their guest list. Your best interest is to leave the relationship with significant other for your safety and mental health.
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