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Savvy March 2020

Trying not to rock the boat

Jenna, on September 19, 2019 at 3:07 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 43
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Hi everyone! Long time reader, first time posting!

My cousin's husband has been nothing but rude since he married her over a decade ago. He always thought he was better than my whole family because he grew up wealthy and all of my extended family did not.

When they had their first child six years ago, my immediate family was not allowed to come meet the new baby or even see my cousin for months because he was "afraid {we} would get the baby sick". That is what really soured me toward him. My mom is a nurse who works with newborns, so we all have proper vaccinations, flu shots, and most importantly, are very clean people in general (also, if one of us had been sick, we obviously would have never offered to bring them food and new clothes for their baby, it wasn't like we just invited ourselves over). We were the only ones subjected to that (even my other aunt who smokes two packs a day was "allowed" before us (not judging, just pointing it out!)).

My brother invited them to his wedding 4 years ago and the husband sulked, didn't smile in any of the family pictures, and didn't even attempt to have a good time. It was a beautiful, elegant wedding and my sister-in-law's family even brought up his sore attitude at a dinner the immediate families went to after their wedding.

Two years ago, he started fights with other family members on social media, called my sweet mother names when she tried to keep the peace and said that my family was "trash", even going as far as to say the town where almost all of my immediate and extended family live was "trashy" and only "degenerates" with low standards and I.Q.s live there" (the town could be improved, like any suburb, but it is a wonderful place to live). I just want to say, while we weren't wealthy growing up, my family has worked hard to get to where we are today (myself and my two siblings were the first in our whole family to attend college (including my cousin's husband) and between us have 5 degrees), and we had a great and happy childhood! You don't need wealthy parents to be happy. I, for one, do not think we would be considered "trash" by anyone's standards.

I haven't spoken to either of them in over two years. My cousin has never explicitly condoned his behavior, but she has never even tried to apologize for his behavior. My mom (bless her, really) thinks I should invite them to keep the peace. All of my extended family feel similar to me in not liking him, but no one has gone as far as not inviting the couple to a big family function (wedding, baby shower, etc).

I know etiquette states that if I invite one cousin, I should invite them all. I get along with all of my other cousins and their partners. I just don't know if I want someone who called my family something so awful at my wedding. I don't have a relationship with either of them, so it's not like my life would be any different without them if I chose not to invite them.

If you were me, what would you do?

Thanks for reading my very long post haha! Smiley smile

43 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on September 20, 2019 at 12:03 PM
  • Lauren
    VIP September 2019
    Lauren ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't invite them. I don't need that kind of negativity at my wedding. I have a few extended family members that I didn't invite for various reasons. I think etiquette goes out the window when a person attacks your family openly.

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  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
    • Flag
    If it were me, I wouldn't invite them. I would never invite someone that I have purposely avoided for 2 years. I just sounds outlandish lol.
    • Reply
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    He sounds like an awful person. My father's side of my family comes from plenty of money, but you'd never know it by how any of them treat anyone else. My husband's family came from no money, work very hard but live a very simple life. I literally would DIE if anyone pointed that out to them or treat them differently because of that, like who cares???? 100% put them on the "do not invite" list. You shouldn't bring that negativity into your wedding. Plus there is no "peace" to keep, he hasn't kept the peace in a long time from the sounds of it!

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't invite either of them. There is no "keeping the peace." The peace was broken a long time ago.

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  • Kelsey
    VIP September 2020
    Kelsey ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't invite them. I'm not inviting all my cousins either. Only the ones I have a relationship with. I'm also not inviting an aunt and uncle; because my dad hasn't talked to them in almost 20 years (they are his brother and sister). Again I have no relationship or ties to them in my opinion

    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    There’s no etiquette that states you must invite every cousin. In some families it’s just easier that way to avoid drama, but in others, people are really only close with some cousins not all— and they only invite the ones with whom they have a relationship and it’s fine.

    I....wouldn’t want this jerk at my wedding. I’d be sorry it means omitting the cousins but it is what it is . If he can’t play nice, he can’t play. He’s brought this upon himself/both of them. I wouldn’t mind taking the stand and not inviting them, personally. But I would think carefully and fully consider the family drama beforehand. If there aren’t a lot of consequences for me, I’m all in. But if it could backfire and make ME the alienated cousin in the future (if everyone is mad at me for excluding them and holds a grudge), I wouldn’t want to take that risk.
    • Reply
  • J
    Savvy March 2020
    Jenna ·
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    Thank you so much! It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way about relatives.

    • Reply
  • J
    Savvy March 2020
    Jenna ·
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    You're totally right! I think it's just the "family" label that holds me up and makes me reconsider. But I agree, if I avoided a friend for two years purposefully, I wouldn't even have them cross my mind when I gave my FH my side of the guest list!

    • Reply
  • J
    Savvy March 2020
    Jenna ·
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    Oh for sure he's a real peach haha! Thank you for your advice! It's so great that your father's family knows that the real value is how we treat others, not money! It's amazing that adults never learned that lesson! I bet everyone had a great time at your wedding! Smiley smile

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  • J
    Savvy March 2020
    Jenna ·
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    Thank you!! You're totally right!

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  • J
    Savvy March 2020
    Jenna ·
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    My mom really is a saint and is just hoping he won't come. To me that's not a great plan because there's that chance he does. Thank you for your advice! I hope you day is amazing! Smiley smile

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  • J
    Savvy March 2020
    Jenna ·
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    Woohoo I'm off the hook then LOL! I completely agree with everything you said! We've always tried to play nice!

    That is definitely my dilemma as well. While they may not like him, other relatives are civil with him. I never know who would take offense, and I definitely don't want to hurt anyone'e feelings, or look like the smaller person for not inviting them. I think my extended family would understand, but you never know :/

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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    I agree with McSkipper. I wouldn't invite them, and if they or anyone else asked me about it, I'm snarky enough that I'd respond with something like, "Well, I know how he dislikes our our trashy family and feels unsafe in our degenerate neighborhood, so we figured it was more polite to save him from having to decline...." Smiley winking But, I'm like that! Good luck to you!

    • Reply
  • Catalena
    Dedicated November 2019
    Catalena ·
    • Flag
    I wouldn’t invite them! I wouldn’t want drama or anything like that happening on my wedding day.
    Because if he could say all of that on social media, imagine what kind of things he could start in person at YOUR wedding.

    I invited maybe 6 out of my 13 cousins because they’re all dramatic people who love to start arguments/fights. Your wedding day is supposed to be the most wonderful day of your life. I wouldn’t risk inviting somebody who could ruin it.
    • Reply
  • FutureMrsKC
    Master January 2019
    FutureMrsKC ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't invite them. He went out of his way to attack your family and trash talk them. He has no place at your wedding.

    • Reply
  • Kelsey
    Devoted October 2020
    Kelsey ·
    • Flag
    Just to play devils advocate...I am in a sort of similar yet different situation. My family (both sides) never did much with their lives and their lifestyles reflects that. My mom and dad were extremely hard workers and we lived a very comfortable life. I have been made fun of by my family (since childhood) because “I’ve had everything handed to me” and what not. So between my aunts, uncles, and cousins...I’ve been a victim of their jealousy. My cousins daughter (who’s 11) even makes comments that I’m boujie (I laugh at her, she’s just funny). If I could, I wouldn’t invite any family except for my living grandparents. However, my relationship with them isn’t all that strained. My mom says I need to invite them (and I will comply...she’s paying for ceremony/venue/food/alcohol, everything that comes with the venue). They are all drama and I pray to God they will not be drama at the wedding. Maybe reach out and see if things are better?
    • Reply
  • P
    January 2014
    Pam ·
    • Flag

    Nope. It sounds like his behavior has gotten worse over the years; given how he behaved at your brother's wedding, he'd be at least as bad or worse at yours. I've got 22 first cousins just on my mom's side; if I had invited every cousin and their SO, there wouldn't have been space for anyone else. Just invite the cousins you have a relationship with.

    • Reply
  • Mary
    Expert July 2019
    Mary ·
    • Flag
    Yeah, I wouldn't invite them either. I know etiquette says to invite in circles, but there are a few aunts and uncles on my side that I did not invite to my wedding due to a lot of family drama. I didn't want that negativity to spill over into memories of my wedding day.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Devoted October 2019
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    I personally wouldn't invite them. I have a cousin on my mom side who I only talk to if I see her at family functions. I am not inviting her to our wedding cause thought I should play mind games with my FH when we had been together for a year all because our relationship dynamic was not the same as hers and her bfs, my FH doesn't want her anywhere near our wedding because of what she said. I also have 2 half sisters I have not seen in years (we did not grow up together) who I am also not inviting because they like to start drama lots and lots of drama. I believe if you do not want them their you should not invite them!
    • Reply
  • M
    Dedicated October 2019
    M ·
    • Flag
    They absolutely would not be invited if it were me. It’s your day. He’s made direct insults towards you and the people you love most. Enjoy your day!
    • Reply

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