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Dedicated October 2020

Trying Not to Give Up - Call off engagement

Nahnie2552, on June 20, 2020 at 7:30 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 32

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My fiance's mother died last week. Our elopment was scheduled for June 27th - just he and I. This was a change from our original date on October 10th. All of these changes were due to COVID. If you've read my previous posts, nothing about my engagement has been easy. We're long distance because we met long distance - Midwest and the South. COVID happened and we've were seperated for 3 months. He haf his job transfer him here for the summer and as soon as he arrives, his mom dies 4 days later. He flew back to the south immediately.

Well, we were looking to purchase homes; in fact working with a local realtor while he was here. Yesterday, he went and placed an offer on a home in the south that has 2 master bedrooms ... Why? His sister no longer wants to live in the house their mother died in. I believe he bought this house to move his sister in bc he said she'd like to move temporarily to get away (sister, husband and baby). We agreed he'd purchase the house in just his name in advance for asset reasons (pre-nup to seperate my inherited assets from parents and not acquire the mortgage debt ... Long story) but we were a TEAM in this. Him buying a house on his own without consulting me is shocking! The fact he bought a home while his mother hasnt even been buried yet is baffling!! He knew I didn't care to move to this state and he jumped and did it. The house is so HUGE it looks like an office building ... Not a HOME! His wording is "trust me, you'll love the house, even your brother can move down and stay for a while, one big family". Fyi, his family is of Caribbean culture ... Mine two on my dad's side. Living as one big happy family is normal ....
Second, I asked him in frustration when are we getting married. He's made all yhese plans for a home and our elopement is on the back burner. He said "let me bury my mother first". This is baffling considering he bought a whole house out of state during the DAYS following his mom's death. All he said was "we're going to get married, I just need to bury my mom first". He's taking his mom back to their home country. That could be another 3 months maybe?!! I'm hurt and ANGRY! At this point I don't care about anything else but my wedding that has been postponed due to everything else. I'm ready to throw in the towell, be done and call of this engagement. We were totally in love but he's shown me his family comes first! I'm over it and trying so hard not to snap!

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Latest activity by Alexis, on June 23, 2020 at 9:46 AM

Expert September 2020
Emily · on June 20, 2020 at 7:59 AM
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That is incredibly difficult. I read your other post, and in this one as well I'm hearing a lot of built up frustration, resentment, and feeling abandoned. It's a lot.

I hope whatever decision you reach makes your heart feel lighter. Good luck.
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Super November 2019
Mrs. S · on June 20, 2020 at 8:02 AM
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Reading this and some of your other posts I am certainly surprised and confused by his behavior. You need to do what is best for you. Sending hugs.
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Expert August 2020
Sarah · on June 20, 2020 at 8:17 AM
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Maybe your fiancé has some hesitations about leaving his family to move to the Midwest especially after losing his mother. If you do not want to move south, and he does not want to move to the Midwest, it seems you’ve reached a bit of an impasse. You should have. Serious heart to heart
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Dedicated October 2020
Nahnie2552 · on June 20, 2020 at 8:25 AM
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Thanks for listening, Emily.
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Dedicated October 2020
Nahnie2552 · on June 20, 2020 at 8:26 AM
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Thanks for the virtual hug. I'm beyond confused and incredibly hurt.
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Dedicated October 2020
Nahnie2552 · on June 20, 2020 at 8:29 AM
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Yes, I believe he has hesitations about leaving his sister. He essentially lied to me. Thank you, Sarah.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on June 20, 2020 at 8:36 AM
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Okay I had to read the post previous to this to get some understanding. I can completely understand how you feel and why you would be concerned. I do agree that maybe you need to just have that scary conversation with him about what your future is. However, on the flip side. I am a person who did lose a mother. My mother was the most important person to me. It was hard. I am also understanding him in that right now I am sure that is a much higher priority then thinking wedding plans. Truthfully if I were in his shoes I could not focus on any wedding planning so I get why you are frustrated between how he has been acting as well as the disappointing of postponing due to COVID-19; however seeing his perspective I do not think he should focus on a wedding right now. I do feel if you are questioning your relationship that is a conversation to have before considering being married and I do not want you to think I am discounting your feelings or the importance of your wedding rather I am just coming from the perspective of the hurt one experiences losing a parent. However, I will agree the impulsiveness of purchasing a house is not cool and he should have discussed that with you and that definitely warrants a discussion. You are right you both need to be on the same page in regards to matters like that. I am sorry you are going through this and this is a hurtful situation and I hope things work out for the better.
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VIP March 2015
Nefetera · on June 20, 2020 at 8:57 AM
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Wow! This is sooo untrustworthy ...thats not good. Especailly with a big move like that that's something you would want to consult in with your spouse . thats a very big move for him not too. And it seems as if be finds nothing wrong with the way hes handling things. Me myself I wouldnt be able to handle this its alot and so diffcuilt despite the fact you guys are in love. That's a decison, a tough one youll have to decied and do whats best for you. Theres so much any one can tolerate. Ill try explaining to him how i view things and How im feeling. The whole carriebean background i get that too...
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Master October 2021
Mrs.a · on June 20, 2020 at 9:14 AM
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Idk what his intentions or plans are. You have a right to your feelings about this, but it sounds to me there is a lot of pent up frustration on your end and that you ought to have an open conversation. Maybe you can ask him why he bought this house without discussing it with you and including you. It might turn out he was trying to ease you of stress, although it sounds like you are even more stressed now.
However I do think he is dealing with a lot from relocating to his mom’s death and possibly taking in his sister’s family. I don’t think it’s fair to demand that he put you before his family or vice versa.
Start by having a conversation and hearing his side.
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VIP May 2020
Jai · on June 20, 2020 at 9:58 AM
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Stay strong girl! Everything is so stressful right now. I would try talking to your FH and asking why he bought the house & how it made you feel, considering you dont want to move down south. I would be angry as well and contemplating my decision to continue with the engagement. I understand how some people may think your FH shouldnt focus on a wedding right now but to me, life gives you lemons. Those lemons happen when you're engaged, married, dating ,etc; it doesn't exclude any part of life. He has to roll with the punches and you're his support system. I wish you the best and hope you can talk with him and get clear answers.
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Dedicated October 2020
Nahnie2552 · on June 20, 2020 at 10:44 AM
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Kristen, thank you for the advice. What makes it difficult is my fiance's mother passed and it appears as if I'm being insensitive by asking and being aggressive. I don't want to seem as if getting married is my only concern but IT IS!!! COVID has put everything on oause and Im frustrated. If his mom were still alive, he'd be here with me in the Midwest. If COVID didn't happen we wouldn't have been seperated for those 3 months.
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Dedicated October 2020
Nahnie2552 · on June 20, 2020 at 10:53 AM
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Hi Marisa! Thank you for that! To shed more light, I was trying to be agreeable by saying I liked the house when he originally showed it to me bc his mom litterally died that morning. I was just trying to be supportive and non confrontational. I never liked the house but I didn't want to rock his emotions. He asked me to fly down and take a look at the house next weekend. Behind my back, he placed an offer on the house and it was accepted. He never consulted me at that point; rather he just told me.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on June 20, 2020 at 11:41 AM
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Some people do weird things during grief. But I do see your frustration here that’s kind of strange of him to do one big thing and not another. It does sound really frustrating I hope you guys work it out
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on June 20, 2020 at 12:11 PM
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I get it. You're allowed to feel how you feel. We all have our moments when life kicks us and it is hard. You're missing him right now and COVID has been very hard for many people. Also, I know as women we have dreamt of our wedding day since little girls and I know it must be hard to have all these plans to get close to being married to him and have all that take a back seat. I am sorry you are going though that. I think you and he should have a good talk. You can say how you feel and let him say how he feels. I get what you mean but I am sure for him, his mom is the important thing right now --not a wedding or elopement. I am glad you are using this platform to express your frustrations but for the sake of your relationship I would not express that to him. I feel he will become frustrated to know that your concern is the wedding rather the death of your mother in law and that may cause a huge rift between you two. I think your concerns about the house are valid and should be expressed and while it is easier said than done the eloping may need to wait a bit. Now if you feel he is blowing off marrying you then I think it is fair to during the discussion to ask does he still want to marry you. I would not ask when as I think he is going through something right now as some people handle grief differently. Some people can pull it together and do what they need and some completely break down. I know it was mentioned above life gives you lemons and it is true but when it comes to the loss of a family member that does not compare. I am just saying that it is one of the worst experiences to go through; it is not like losing a job or getting in a car accident it is like having a piece of you ripped out. Men also handle grief differently, for my brother it was bad. Just like none of us here can tell you how to feel really no one can tell him how to feel about loss. It is okay to tell us that your wedding is the important thing to you right now but I feel if you express that to him it will come off as if you care nothing about his mother and he will not take that well...I know I would not if my fh and I were in this situation.
Ultimately, you need to do what you need to do and we can all give you advice but you gotta go with how you feel. I would just suggest take some time to be upset and when you are ready to talk to him, make sure you are in a calm and clear mindset and also allow him to express himself. I do not want to feel that I am discounting your feelings or causing issues I am just again coming from someone that has been in that situation and having to plan a funeral and settle post death things is very overwhelming and I know I would not be able to handle a wedding during that time too.
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on June 20, 2020 at 12:13 PM
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His buying a house without consulting you is a huge red flag. Not only did he buy a home without consulting you, he bought one in a state you had no intention of moving to!! That's not just a red flag, it's a blazing red STOP sign. Are you supposed to drop everything and relocate at the last minute?

This goes beyond his choosing his family over you. He didn't consider you, period. You're his wife to be, not his pet.

We all grieve in different ways, but a house is a 30 year commitment that impacts your joint finances and living situation. He doesn't get to hide behind his grief for something like this. He steamrolled you. He didn't treat you like an equal partner.
I am very sorry, but this would be a dealbreaker for me. I think you needed to hear someone say that. Your feelings are valid. If you end this relationship, you're not the only one who would do that.
Pushing back the wedding, I understand. The house, absolutely not. I think the long distance made it harder for you to see any red flags that were already there.
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Expert October 2020
Soon2BSmith · on June 20, 2020 at 1:30 PM
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Girl, maybe this man is not for you.
Maybe he's getting cold feet.
Putting his family before you, should tell you what you need to know. I'm marrying a Caribbean man 10/10 as well, and he WOULD NEVER!
A marriage involves two, clearly, he's making decisions without and for his family.
I would run, or stay and seek therapy. Don't jump in this marriage.
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Super November 2020
Natalie · on June 20, 2020 at 3:08 PM
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I agree with the previous poster Willow. Postponing a wedding because his mother’s sudden passing would be expected. He and his family need some time to handle out-of-country arrangements. Emotionally, this must be extremely difficult for him as it happened only days after he moved to be with you. He is probably dealing with some feelings of guilt and wondering if things would have happened the same way had he still lived there. Spontaneously buying a house, however, is where I see a problem. Not only is a home a large purchase that would involve input from a spouse, it is across the country from where you two had agreed you would live. To expect you to drop your entire life to move away and share a house with his family is unreasonable. Please keep us posted!
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on June 21, 2020 at 4:34 AM
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It sounds like his grief is *really* messing with his decision making, honestly. I'm so sorry. This has just been so much for you, and you can't even be there to pull him aside and be like, "Um, wut?"
You need to set a time where he's alone and you can talk, for however long you need to, about WHAT just happened. Because there was a whole lot of decision-making done when decisions shouldn't have been made, without the proper input, and without the *process* those decisions needed. (Your job is in the midwest, right? You can't exactly go moving right now.)
*virtual hugs*
Good luck.
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Expert October 2021
Samantha · on June 21, 2020 at 6:21 AM
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Ok, I'm going to bring some tough love your way. You may not be ready for this relationship. I am very sorry to write this. As I have said before, this moment is the worst moment in his entire life. While you are entitled to your feelings, if you cannot muster up the strength and courage to be by his side, to be completely selfless; then you really should think and pray on your decision to marry. No matter how hurt you are, and I'm truly sorry that you are in pain, this is not about you. You need to let him work through the grief. I personally know how hard it is to be absolutely helpless supporting a loved one in this situation. However, you need to show up. If you can't, then I don't know if you will be ready for the challenges ahead.
From what you say, he is committed to you. He told you you will be married. I understand he bought a house without discussing it with you. You say it is for his sister and her family. The rapidity makes sense if they need a place to live right away. At the same time, it is valid that you are concerned that he is re-rooting himself back 'home'. It appears that he is deathly afraid of leaving his family at this time. It must have been traumatic for him to lose his Mother while he was away.
I suggest for your well being that you take a break from the relationship. Decide if you can really be with him 'for better or worse'. Again, please reach out to your spiritual advisor or a therapist. You need to process your emotions in a healthy environment. I truly wish you the best.
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Dedicated October 2020
Nahnie2552 · on June 21, 2020 at 7:13 AM
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Thank you for the tough love! Honestly ... Sometimes you need a kick in the butt back to reality. You're right; my emotions are so scattered bc of all the changes and dissappointments from COVID. It feels as if each time I try to wittle down plans, something else happens. I know he didn't expect his mother to die and I feel horrible he had to say that to me. I think I'm just going through a tantrum of feeling my whole dream of a wedding has been snatched out of my hands. To address the house, I believe you're absolutely riiht as well ... His mother litterally died in the house unexpectedly and his sister and family lived in the house. His sister said she can't live there for her emotional sanity sake. I believe he's trying to be superhero right now and thats where I felt he wasn't putting me first as his fiture wife. It feels kinda disrespectful. After talking last night, calmly on my part about the house, he said "I feel I can talk to you and a weight is off my chest bc I knew youd be mad about the house. This house is such a good deal and I knew this house would make you happy and is big enough for the whole family". I know his heart is pure but his way of work is not so good. Lastly, you're right about the vows of "for worse". This is my 2nd marriage and I divorced my 1st husband within 2 yrs bc things got worse (husband had to move out of town to finish a special masters program). I divorced him bc that wasnt in the plans and I was plain selfish. Thank you for giving tough love becuase I needed it.
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Trying Not to Give Up - Call off engagement

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