Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Just Said Yes July 2019

Trying not to disappoint my In-laws

Emily, on August 17, 2020 at 2:17 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 10

Saved

Flag
Hide content

My partner (28F) and I (29F) have been together for 8 years, engaged for about 3. We were planing to get married next summer, just a quick courthouse ceremony and maybe a small dinner party after. We’re really laid back and have been together so long we don’t see the need for anything extravagant. We own a home together, own cars together, have dogs, the whole nine yards so the whole gift/ shower purpose is lost on us too. However we really want to take the next step and start a family. While I 100% believe you do not need to be married to have a child, the situation with same sex couples in my state (Massachusetts) is a little different. For my partner to be able to sign our child’s birth certificate and if we were NOT married, she would need to petition the court for a 2nd parent adoption. That process is very time consuming and expensive. All for my partner to be able to sign her child’s birth certificate. However if we were married, then she would be able to sign automatically as I would as the ‘birth giver’.
However that isn’t really my issue. My issue lies with her parents. She is an only child and a HUGE mamas girl. Her mom was DEVASTATED when she told her she didn’t want to have the big white wedding they had talked about since she was little. So now they want to help us pay for a wedding once her mom retires in 2022. I really don’t want to wait that long to get married (5 years at that point) and I don’t really want a wedding. But I feel this terrible nagging feeling like I’m taking something away from them if I don’t agree to it. They have helped us out in the past (gifted us a portion of the down payment for the first house we bought) so now I feel like I owe them. I know that’s probably not true but I’d rather not have any animosity between me and my in laws if I can help it.

Flag
Hide content

10 Comments

Latest activity by RaylaSan, on August 23, 2020 at 1:35 AM

VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on August 17, 2020 at 2:39 AM
Flag

Hide content
I think every parent has high hopes for their children’s wedding day, giving them away and doing the whole shebang. In saying this, every wedding is different and unique to the marrying couple, and the parents need to respect the decision the marrying couple come to as to what they will and won’t do (i.e. courthouse wedding instead of something big, white and fluffy!).

I think your future in-laws have really lovely intentions but it’s time for your partner to step up and *gently* tell them that you won’t be having the big white wedding. As a compromise, it might be nice to include a few touches in the wedding just for them (i.e. doing the whole cake thing, walking down the ‘aisle’ etc) without going too overboard so you are still having your wedding the way you want it. They sound like lovely people so while it might not be what they envisioned, I am sure they will come around to it 😊
- Reply
Expert September 2020
· on August 17, 2020 at 2:56 AM
Flag

Hide content
Well technically you could get the best of all the worlds here. Get married, have a child, then let her parents throw you a celebration vow renewal in 2022. Right now, everyone is getting married then throwing the big celebration later anyway. But you really need to do whats best for you, parents can be challenging but you shouldnt put your life on hold just so they can throw you a wedding
- Reply
Dedicated February 2022
Tiante · on August 17, 2020 at 4:43 AM
Flag

Hide content
I would just do a secret courthouse marriage then wait and have her throw the big wedding or even do the court house ceremony & explain your reasoning, I’m sure they’ll understand
- Reply
Master August 2019
Rebecca · on August 17, 2020 at 5:01 AM
Flag

Hide content
While this is a very generous offer, if it's not what you and your FW want... then it's time for her to talk to her parents and say, "no," very nicely.
It's your relationship, and your family planning, and those laws are ridiculous anyway yeesh, but boundaries need to be set, and that includes letting you set your own timeline.
Good luck.
- Reply
Master October 2020
Margaret · on August 17, 2020 at 7:15 AM
Flag

Hide content
Could you do a vow renewal and still have the wedding of your desire? Or is there way to compromise and have a small wedding with family and friends to accommodate all?
- Reply
VIP July 2017
Becky · on August 17, 2020 at 8:00 AM
Flag

Hide content
Okay - first, let me get this out of the way - it is *ridiculous* that you have to be married for your partner to sign the birth certificate. Completely insane.
Anyway. I think your FW needs to sit down with her mom and discuss what she wants, what the two of you together want, and what her parents want. I expect that her mom is both disappointed that the wedding she and your FW dreamed of when your FW was a child and that she doesn't want your FW to have regrets that she didn't have the wedding she dreamed of as a child. (To be fair, if I'd had the wedding I dreamed of as a child, it would have looked very different than the wedding I actually had.)
You can still have a beautiful wedding that's smaller - and maybe her mom is thinking of a "hole and corner" situation, rather than a wedding that's more laid back, but still beautiful and still celebrating you.
- Reply
Dedicated July 2020
Jessica · on August 17, 2020 at 7:44 PM
Flag

Hide content
Ugh, the old in-law expectations drama. I'm sorry you're going through this. It is hard to give a blanket answer because every family and situation is unique.
I am a believer in doing what you want for your day, and telling the rest of the family that what they want does not align with your wishes. However, that won't work for everyone. Some compromising might be more palatable for you if it means keeping the peace.
- Reply
Beginner April 2021
Camellia · on August 17, 2020 at 9:43 PM
Flag

Hide content
I would say get elope and then have a wedding later to celebrate yall's union. You do not have to tell anyone that you got married. I know it's going to be really hard to do that or you can tell them about it. Let them know that we will be having a big wedding later, but for now we just want to elope. Invite them to the elopement, just renew your vows later when the actual wedding is. So everyone is happy and both of you get what you want.
- Reply
Dedicated July 2020
Jessica · on August 18, 2020 at 3:49 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Very good point. You can get legally married without any fanfare and nobody would even know.

Either tell them and say you’re having the big day later, or don’t and just let them think the bigger wedding is the real deal.
- Reply

Expert February 2021
RaylaSan · on August 23, 2020 at 1:35 AM
Flag

Hide content
While I feel like you shouldn't feel forced into having a wedding, especially if you don't want one. I do recommend you try for a really small and intimate, micro-wedding with, lets say, 25 of your closest friends and family. I mean you may define a wedding in the whole nine-yards of 100 or so guests, long annoying ceremony, and a lot of drunken dancing at the reception; but your wedding could be the opposite. A small and intimate affair with your closest family and relatives, beautifully decorated at your gorgeous venue with just a simple and elegant dinner with pleasant socializing. That should be more than enough to satisfy crazy in-laws. I recommend contacting a venue that offer micro-wedding packages, and have them take care of everything from the decor, to the menu, that way it could be simple and sweet.
- Reply