Trouble getting planning even started

It sounds like you and your fiancé need to get on the same page. There will have to be a compromise. Especially since you have different visions of your wedding day. I’d say talk to him first, plan a budget and think about a guest list. It doesn’t have to be a huge wedding. Even if you wanted to do an intimate ceremony followed by a reception where everyone else is invited to celebrate with you all. But there has to be a conversation between the two of you and you can voice your concerns to him. This way he understands your vision just as much as you see his. Once you both make the budget to see what it is you can comfortably afford you can kinda go from there. I know you said you can barley find time to do laundry but if you want to have even a small wedding you and your fiancé have to find time to talk about it.

Hi Natalie. Congrats on your engagement. It can be quite daunting altogether in the beginning. First, do you have a venue? If not, where did you come up with a 6-month deadline? If you don't have a venue and date, you don't have a wedding so you may have time. To get to that spot, you and your partner must have a transparent talk about financial goals and your budget. Once you have a budget and guest list in mind, he (and you) will tour venues to see the most accurate cost to feed 200 people as catering is per head +tax. This should be a wake-up call. There are many articles on how to do guestlists. I recommend inviting people in similar circles and those you've spoken to or seen in the past year. You can also draw an arbitrary line at first cousins etc. because you are having a wedding, not hosting a family reunion.

For your personal concerns, you are older and can be as alternative with your wedding as you want. It is modern to have few or no bridesmaids now. I've seen big money weddings with no attendants. This may be a relief for your friends as many would rather enjoy as guests. You can also have the wedding party seated in chairs, rather than standing next to you.

Your partner's feelings are valid and very similar to my husband's. However, gifts are unreliable to account for. Postponed Covid weddings now happening are making this the year of the wedding. Most likely your guests will have multiple invitations that they must budget their time and wallets. I wish you the best in negotiating with your spouse. Unfortunately, you can't just pull an "I'm the bride moment" though would be easier. Maybe you could start negotiations with a minimal wedding party and budget review.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your advice Imani. We will have to sit down again and try to compromise on this.

View Quoted Comment Sure thing! I hope it all works out.

View Quoted Comment So, to answer your question, I've heard it takes a lot of time, and about 6 months of actively working on it, to plan a wedding. I really have no idea how long it actually takes (like hours-wise) to plan. My concern there is that I already have other obligations (ie my family) and I'm not sure I can commit to such a large chunk of time. For me now, it seems too overwhelming, although that may be a common problem regardless of personal situations.


And in regards to your comment about first cousins and not hosting a family reunion, lol that is exactly how I feel, and that is the number that is taking up the most guests - his extended family - but unfortunately I do see my fiancés side for this. They all invite each other to each other's weddings, and will be seen as an insult if they aren't invited. That is why I even suggested just immediate family, to avoid that, and be able to tell them it was just siblings. I would enjoy a bit of a bigger wedding (100 guests kind of thing), but again, would be regarded as an insult to his extended family.
Thank you for your reply Michelle. I guess we will have to start, like you said, setting a guestlist, looking for a venue and then getting more realistic about money and numbers. Maybe that will change his mind or possibly even mine?

You're both likely going to have to find a middle ground here. It sounds like you're both on opposite ends, so I'd say to sit down and try to find a place where you can both accept whatever that looks like. One idea would be to find a smaller but more upscale-looking venue. Your fiancé would still get a nice wedding, but you'd get a smaller headcount overall (which will really help with costs as well).

View Quoted Comment I found myself going through the push-and-pull that you speak of expect it was mostly internal rather than with FH. What I found help was long make a list of all the guest that would (possibly) attend and begin requesting info from venues in the area that I liked.
You can download free spreadsheets and note down the info for easy comparison and show that to FH when you sit down to compromise budget and size for your wedding.
I also juggle with children and it helps to just take an hour or so every few days to work on it when they’re busy with FH or playing independently. Another thing I sympathize with is friends. I talk to them hardly and I’m not sure if I want to ask all my SILs to be part of it or just my sister or no one at all. We gave ourselves an extra year so I’m taking baby steps.

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Extended family may feel insulted, but they need to catch up to the times. Many couples pay for the wedding themselves (not parents anymore) and have other financial obligations like their own children. The conversation between relatives could really be as simple as, "X and Y are having a smaller wedding that meets their budget". You can still have a "proper" wedding for a smaller group, but it would be more disastrous to host a large group that wasn't properly fed or greeted. Some couples also wait to save for the wedding they want, not sure if this is of interest to you.

View Quoted Comment Thank you! I know that there are other people in my "boat" but it's nice to talk to someone in a similar situation. I appreciate the spreadsheet and comparison idea, and also the idea to give the planning more time so it's not so overwhelming, and I can just take a few hours a week so that my obligations aren't overlooked. Thanks again, and I wish you the best for your wedding!

View Quoted Comment Thank you for that idea Paige. Something smaller at an upscale place would really appeal to me. Hopefully he can compromise a bit on his guestlist so we can both get a little of what we each want!

View Quoted Comment Yes, times are very different now - and weddings are additionally much more costly! I hope if we can cut the guestlist that they will understand... I guess that is something we will have to see... thank you for your replies!

As an outsider looking in on your situation, this is my take. You and your spouse should sit down and make a list of LITERALLY the non-negotiables, limited to 3 a piece. This covers EVERYTHING from guests, cost, colors, size, venue, alcohol, etc. This really makes you think about what's important to you, and it really helped me and my spouse when we felt like we were just running in circles and couldn't agree or decide on anything!

As far as your guest list goes, it should be pretty easy to trim off a lot of people. As the wedding planning progresses, really think about who you guys have even interacted with in the last several years. Who makes an effort? Who says hi at Christmas and that's it? There's honestly plenty of family and friends who just...don't need to come LOL

It sounds like you two have very different ideas of what your big day will be, and while a lot of that can be resolved with compromise, I think he will need to bend on the wedding party portion. He should put your comfort as #1, and standing up there alone while he has x groomsman is just not okay. Plenty of people don't have wedding parties for similar reasons, and it is not a big deal! I was my sisters only, and nobody has ever said anything to her about it.

If he won't bend on that, you could always do bridal parties for hire! I don't care what anybody says, those companies are SO amazing and having been in a bridal party with a for-hire before, she was AMAZING and so sweet! Nobody will ever know

View Quoted Comment Thanks Bailey, that "non-negotiables list" is a great idea! We're still stuck on this big wedding vs small wedding and have gotten nowhere. This may be the key to help us move it along lol!