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Beginner February 2021

Toxic Sister

Luisa, on September 6, 2020 at 11:29 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14

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Hi everyone.

Just want to say thank you for taking the time to read this (especially because its long). I guess I'm at a point where I dont really know what to do anymore.
So me and my partner got engaged in January this year and we booked our wedding date for February of next year. It has not been the best year for us and I've tried to stay positive but as much as I try focus on me and my partner and our love I must say that I am emotionally drained and cant bring myself to think of the wedding or else it brings me to tears.
My father who I was very close with died suddenly in March. My family hasnt been able to have much support because all of our extended family is overseas and with Covid they cant get to us. We had a few stressful months trying to close down his workshop and sell the contents while jumping in and out of lockdown. On top of all that and dealing with the uncertainty of covid which has made us cancel the engagement party. My older sister (who I am close with) told us that she is pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding. Me and my partner were initially very shocked because she is maid of honor and her husband is a groomsmen and they had told us that they wouldnt try for a few months to avoid the wedding.
After the initial emotions subsided (there have been a lot of emotions given everyone is grieving), I was still feeling upset. Not about the pregnancy itself but I felt like my sister wasn't showing any compassion to the stressful situation we are under for the wedding. For her wedding I was her maid of honor and I was by her side for everything and I did so much to help get ready for the wedding include make a 6 tier wedding cake. She had the whole family present, the big fancy wedding she dreamed of, 2 engagment parties, dad walking her down the aisle.
But when she let us know she was pregnant, she never mentioned the wedding and started talking about herself and how difficult pregnancy is, her husband was joking about not making it the wedding. And we didnt say anything because we wanted to give them the time to enjoy the pregnancy but a month in she never came to speak to me about the wedding, instead she would speak to mum about all the plans like how she went to talk to a cake place to organise our cake.
So my partner and I decided to message them (my sister has a short temper so we wanted to avoid face to face as she tends to blow up). We messaged them saying that we weren't sure if they could handle being on the bridal party and it was more important to us that they were able to enjoy the night while taking care of their newborn but that we did want them involved. They both left the group chat and stopped speaking to us.
It has been 3 months now of this drama. Anyone in the family who tried to speak to her on the topic got yelled at and she would storm out. I tried to approach her about it and anything I said she would jump back to I kicked her off the bridal party. I kept trying to explain that we were open to a discussion but they ended the conversation.
At this point no one in the family is talking to her because she has gone around lashing out at everyone and blaming everyone around her and never apologising for anything. She has not been there to support mum or be there on important days like dads birthday. She refuses to go to councelling with me and does not seem to want to fix it.
Shes always had the tendency to let her emotions control her and make my life events about her. I've set a clear boundary with her at this point but I'm feeling really defeated, although my mum is trying to be positive about the wedding we are feeling stressed about what my sister is doing knowing deep down that she may miss the wedding because of this. And on top of everything else I'm really emotionally struggling. My family is catholic so moving in with my partner is something to do after marriage so I dont want to move the date of the wedding so we can get along with our lives, plus I dont want move the wedding because of what my sister is doing because I dont want to make my life revolve around her and her emotions.
Although I'm mentally preparing myself that my sister might miss the wedding it still has an emotional effect, what with my dad not being there as well as my extended family. I really was just hoping that after all the negative things the wedding could be something nice and positive to focus on but now I'm just anxious and sad about it.

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14 Comments

Latest activity by Maggie, on September 8, 2020 at 3:12 PM

Expert January 2021
Katie · on September 6, 2020 at 11:33 PM
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This is a very sensitive time for everyone, and having a child during a pandemic shortly after losing a parent sounds unimaginable. I would cut your sister a little slack and try to have compassion for what she’s going through also.
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Beginner February 2021
Luisa · on September 6, 2020 at 11:36 PM
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Hi Katie,

I understand that and I've tried. I've tried to speak to her kindly tell her I love her and she has thrown everything back in my face.
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Master September 2020
Jessica · on September 6, 2020 at 11:49 PM
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I’m so sorry you lost your dad and that this drama with your sister has made things worse and ruined your enjoyment of wedding planning. I understand being upset that your sister is due a couple months before your wedding, but to be fair they don’t have to plan their lives alive your wedding, even if they told you they weren’t going to try yet. Maybe they didn’t think they would get pregnant so quick, or they figure it would be better to have a baby at the wedding rather than be pregnant, or they just didn’t want to wait which is a totally valid reason. I don’t know how you worded things exactly in the group chat that your sister feels you kicked her off the bridal party (one reason it’s always better to actually talk in person or at least over the phone, through text it’s easy to misread and interpret things the way you want to interpret them), but it sounds like you are the one who needs to make amends here. I get your worried about them both being in the WP with a baby, but I’m sure they had thought about that. It sounds like there was major miscommunication and hopefully she just needs some space to cool down. If she’s going off on other family members about it too, my first thought was that she feels like everyone is more concerned about your wedding than her pregnancy. I get she didn’t bring up the wedding after announcing the pregnancy, but were you guys supportive about the pregnancy? I know it came as a surprise, did that impact the way you reacted and treated them? I’m sorry you’re feeling so down, family drama is definitely draining . Give yourself the space you need. I took weeks and months off from wedding planning when I needed it, granted I had a 19 month engagement, but still. You gotta take care of yourself. I hope you two can talk it through and work things out.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on September 6, 2020 at 11:52 PM
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Maybe she has not processed your fathers death well? Or maybe she’s also got a lot on her own plate? I mean it sounds like you’re a considerate person but sometimes people just need space to be able to deal with their issues.. just let her know you’re there for her when she needs and love her. Sometimes we can’t help everyone at the exact moment they experience problems because they won’t let us help so just knowing they can come back to you when they need, is all you could really do.
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Beginner February 2021
Luisa · on September 7, 2020 at 12:00 AM
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Hi Jessica,

Thank you for the reply. Not sure if it came across in my initial message but other than the initial shock the pregnancy isnt the problem. The next day I was telling her let's go celebrate the baby and I was sending her photos of clothes that she might want for the pregnancy. She already has a daughter and both me and my partner baby sit and love spending time with her.
In terms of making everything about the wedding, I didnt mention anything about the wedding for the first month my mum was telling me to just move things to suit around her and my family was being very careful with her to not stress her out.
We messaged them to try organise a chat and they just asked to find out now. We said we weren't sure if they could handle it and that we would rather they were free to take care of their newborn while having fun. But that we want them involved in whatever way suited.
I gave them a month and tried to contact her and I explained that we hadn't made a decision and apologised about if the message had upset her and was worded badly but she just lashed back at everything and refused to listen to anything I had to say.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on September 7, 2020 at 12:01 AM
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I second what Jessica has said.
You've gone through a lot lately between your father's passing and COVID-19 and I can fully appreciate how you are feeling. That, and your wedding is such a special event that naturally, like every other bride, you anticipated lots of fun and excitement and imagine that everyone will care about your wedding as much as you do. I am sure your sister is genuinely excited for you, but she too has her own blessing to be excited about, and naturally she will be more concerned about her pregnancy than your wedding.
In saying this, you can't be upset at your sister for falling pregnant. Your sister shouldn't have to time her decision to fall pregnant around your schedule, and as Jessica has said, it could've happened earlier than initially planned because she didn't anticipate falling pregnant so soon, or simply because she and her partner decided the time was right (or any other reason). Regardless of why she fell pregnant sooner, I think you need to own your actions and apologise to your sister. While you didn't exactly 'kick her out' of the bridal party, I imagine she has a different perspective to yours and might feel like you've punished her.
With regard to her behaviour, you have to be mindful that (a) your sister, just like you and the rest of your family, is likely still grieving the loss of your father, and (b) is pregnant (hormonal!). She may be processing her grief in a different way to you, and if her being absent from family events is what she needs to do, then so be it. Counselling may be beneficial, however you cannot force her to attend if she does not want to.
If I were you, I would personally look to make amends. Accept responsibility for anything you have done/caused and try move forward past this. I am sure you will get through it
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Beginner February 2021
Luisa · on September 7, 2020 at 12:05 AM
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I guess what I'm really wondering about is how do you pick yourself back up and feel happy and excited about the wedding.

I've done everything I can with my sister and until shes ready to try come and speak about things I cant do anything about it.
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Beginner February 2021
Luisa · on September 7, 2020 at 12:12 AM
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Hi,

Thanks for the reply, I've replied already to Jessica to try full in the gaps. Other than the initial shock the pregnancy wasn't the problem. The next day I congratulated them and told them we need to celebrate. Me and my partner regularly babysit their daughter and are close with her. I didnt mention anything about the wedding for the first month to try not take away from their pregnancy.
I messaged her to try explain things I apologised if I upset them and that if the message was worded badly. But she has not listened to anything and attacked and blamed everyone around her for everything.
In terms of missing events, it was because she was angry at the family and was refusing to talk to anyone. I've done everything I could to make amends but I cant force things on her.
I feel confident that I acted in a way that I think was ok and if not apologised about it. I guess what I'm after was how do you pick yourself up and be excited and happy about such an important time.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on September 7, 2020 at 12:21 AM
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I wouldn't take her missing events too personally. Again, it could be that she's still grieving and has unfortunately taken her associated upset and anger out on the family or otherwise overreacted because she hasn't fully come to terms with your father's passing, but naturally I cannot be sure.
I merely mentioned what I said because given the amount of detail you've gone into about the pregnancy, I suspect that it might be playing on your emotions more than you think.
Imho, only you know what makes you happy. Focus on the positives going forward, look over everything you've planned to date, etc. You know more than we do what perks you up
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on September 7, 2020 at 4:05 AM
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I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, maybe she hasn’t gotten over the death of your dad as well? Everyone processes trauma different so even though she could say that she’s over it, she may not be.

Another thing, I gave birth to my child in December BEFORE Covid and I was stressing out because of the flu. I can only imagine being pregnant now and what your sister may be going through with flu season approaching and Covid being a thing. It’s scary.
I do get that you don’t want to push your day back, I don’t think you should. I would try to talk to her face to face to see what the real problem is. Maybe she’s hurt because they’re no longer in the wedding party, maybe she was really looking forward to it?
I hope that you all can figure it out and enjoy your day. For your dads sake ❤️
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on September 7, 2020 at 9:31 AM
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It sounds like you and your entire family have been through an extremely difficult time. That being said, your sister is also going through a lot. While you say you this isn't about the pregnancy, it sure sounds that way to me. No matter how you worded your conversation to her, she took it as you kicking her out of the wedding so it is understandable that she's up about that.
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VIP August 2020
Katie · on September 7, 2020 at 9:31 AM
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Luisa, first of all I am deeply sorry for your father’s passing. Know he is aware of everything and you will always be able to speak with him in spirit at any time or place. Continue to pray for your sister and continue to have your door open for her. I’m sure you are anxious to reconcile with your sister and have her be included in your special day. My advice is to give it up to God and allow time for healing to take place. There still is time before the wedding for healing and reconciliation to occur. When your new niece or nephew arrives, perfect opportunity for you to extend an olive branch as your sister may be too proud to be the first one to offer it.

In the meantime, if you choose to do so, maybe therapeutic to think of how to honor your father at your wedding, such as a photo, song, beautiful candle or video montage. Wishing you peace and comfort. Hope this helps Luisa!! ❤️🌹
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Expert February 2020
Hermione · on September 7, 2020 at 10:10 AM
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I hate to say it so bluntly, but you can't bring anyone back from the dead and you cannot control someone else's reproductive system. Whether it was an accidental or purposely, your sister is pregnant and has told you she cannot do the things you want. You also cannot control how someone grieves. Losing your dad is pretty hard... It ain't an excuse for that bs treatment either and she could of had a bit more tac.

That said, you can grieve. You can give your sister space. She just lost her dad, too. It may not be the same as her wedding but it's not her wedding. It's great you did all those things for her wedding. You don't have a time machine. Make your wedding day the best you can for you and pick a new moh/best man. Maybe they will be even better than them. She says she can't come and has given a valid reason. If she is being this stressful for you, don't let her be and live your life.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on September 8, 2020 at 3:12 PM
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I would caution you about calling your sister toxic if you ever want to be able to move past this and repair your relationship with her. I can only go by the details you have provided of course, but she doesn't sound toxic at all. You and she are both equally grieving AND making huge life changes (baby and marriage). I would grant her the same space and grace you grant yourself to learn to live with/adjust to all of that.
Since it's too late to un-kick her out of your wedding, I would apologize for that and let her know she is important to you and you still want her in your life (only if that's true of course). And then just continue with your wedding planning without any expectations of your sister's participation. Be pleasantly surprised if she attends. Continue moving forward with repairing the relationship as a separate issue from your wedding. Good luck!
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