Toxic mil

Thankfully, my toxic in-laws live in another city. However, mine made my wedding planning process miserable. After the wedding, I blocked them all on social media and on my phone lol I don’t want them in my daily life. Haven’t talked to mother-in-law since our wedding or when he is on FaceTime with her and I sneak by.
It’s so annoying, I feel you!

This is not your responsibility. Your Future Spouse must set the boundaries and establish them. If they won't listen then start seeing them less and less. When conflict happens within in laws, blood needs to speak with blood.

If boundaries are crossed, then consequences have to kick in.

That is up to and including cutting them out of your life - and your spouse needs to back you up.

Actually, your spouse should be leading in this. If you are not respected, your spouse needs to stand up for you. If they cannot, they may need help with counseling - perhaps with you - so that they can learn to set their own boundaries.

If you’re on Reddit, the r/JUSTNOMIL sub is very helpful. Or, the DWIL board on the babycenter website. Boundaries are only useful if there are consequences when they get stomped on - what have you tried? And does your FI support you in the boundaries?

The way I deal with my toxic MIL is by not. I don't deal with her. She knows what behaviors we won't tolerate and she continues to partake in them, so we have minimal contact with her.

The biggest lesson in dealing with toxic in laws is that it's almost always more of a spouse issue than an in law issue. Are you and your spouse on the same page? Is your spouse setting and enforcing boundaries with you? What are the repercussions when those boundaries aren't respected? This is only going to work if it's the two of you against vs the problem, not you vs your MIL. Perhaps consider couples counseling to learn how to handle these problems before they take a toll on your marriage.

View Quoted Comment How do you approach that conversation with your significant other. I’m so lost.

I have toxic inlaws. My husband actually had a conversation with his dad the other day about their behavior and it has been decided that we will see them on holidays (If we feel like it), nd keep contact to a minimum. We actually attended couples therapy because of we had let their toxicness impact us. First, I'd tell your FH how you feel and let FH know boundaries must be placed and time limits must be set. We stay for holidays like two hours, because that's all either of us can take before their B.S. kicks in. What I had to start doing was saying in a firm tone "I dont appreciate what you said, that was rude ".

View Quoted Comment

"Hey, your mom (insert toxic behavior here) and that made me feel (insert feeling here.) Previous behaviors like (insert previous behaviors) are also very concerning to me. Do you agree that this behavior is problematic? What can we do to prevent this in the future? Would you consider seeking couples therapy so that we have more resources to handle this?"

My husband and I know what our priorities are and its the family that we created, not the family that we were raised by. His mother isn't toxic but many other people in his family are and we just choose not to be around them. It's their lost and we refuse to let anyone ruin our peace. I wouldn't deal with them

View Quoted Comment I agree
Do you think it’s ok if my boundary is to not see them unless absolutely necessary but that he goes to see them whenever he feels like it at times without me

View Quoted Comment

It's hard to have an opinion when I have no idea what the situation is. People throw around the word "toxic" like it's candy these days. It could mean that your MIL said you need to get a job or it could mean that she said that you're a piece of trash that doesn't deserve her son. We have no idea what's going on in your situation. At the end of the day, if it's effecting your mental and physical health, then I think that staying away from them as much as possible as fine, however, your husband needs to be on board. If his mom is disrespectful to you, he needs to stand up for you, not just continue to hang out with her like everything is fine. If you're the only one establishing a boundary, you're not doing anything but giving her what she wants; free time with her son without you around. That's not a boundary, that's just letting her bully you until she gets what she wants.

View Quoted Comment It’s so many things
But last night they basically blew up on my family over the phone and listed out every gift they got me and the price of them to prove that my family is cheap. They have also had issues with me being adopted, having gone to a community college before university, and that I don’t make a lot of money. Additionally she has wanted me to change my outfit during my wedding and has insulted my wedding outfits. She and her daughters are changing 3 times at my wedding. The whole family is very much about showing off and my fiancé and I and my family are not about that so to Gus parents it seems like every time they want something in this wedding I say no. But it’s because I don’t believe in spending money just to show off. They insulted my parents by calling them cheap and by listing all the prices of the outfits they bought got me. Additionally they bought a wedding outfit to replace the one I have that my parents gifted me after insulting it.
I told her I don’t want to change because I would rather spend time with my guests than use that time to change my outfits especially when I love the one I have and it means a lot to me. I believe this is toxic because my boundaries are not being respected and because they both yelled on the phone and said absolutely terrible things about me and my family in the past as well.

His parents *

From everything you have posted, it seems you have more of a future spouse problem than a future in-law problem. That is, your FS should be handling this and if he doesn't want to or isn't able to, then these unpleasant people will adversely affect the rest of your married life. You and he need to have serious conversations about handling this from a big picture standpoint. It's not about clothes or gifts or any small thing.

And here's the thing about boundaries. You can and should set them. But they aren't a tool to get other people to change. Because you can't make other people change. They are a tool for protecting yourself. So, you set them and then if/when they are crossed, you take decisive action to protect yourself (this often takes the form of restricting or removing contact).

The boundaries are for you, not for them. If the consequences of them crossing boundaries (e.g., you not visiting them) encourage them to change their ways, great. But don't count on that or make your decisions hoping for that.

View Quoted Comment

I agree with this completely.... You've consistently had this problem. If your FH cannot shut her down, I think you have some serious thinking to do. I don't expect her behavior will only be limited to wedding issues. If your husband cannot or will not do whatever needs to be done to stop her behavior, you need to realize this will likely be an issue for the rest of your married life. If that's not what you want, I'd think very seriously about moving forward with the wedding. As someone else said, as a COUPLE, with FH taking the lead in communicating with his family, you need to make it clear what your boundaries are and what the consequences will be for violating them, and then follow through. If he can't make that happen, it seems like you may be very unhappy.... Good luck!

You're marrying your spouse not their family. You don't have to deal with them and you owe them nothing. Yes be cordial if you have to be in the same room as them but there's no reason to deal with them if they're bad for your health. Explain to your spouse what is going on and have a discussion about the situation and if they do nothing then maybe you both have some things to work out.

I've seen prior posts from you about this and it feels like this is really bothering you and rightfully so under the circumstances. But at this point your MIL and SIL are not going to change their spots so you need to really think if this is something you are going to live with. I really think you need to stand up for yourself and confront them with your feelings and how their words make you feel. If they brush you off then you need to really think hard about your relationship as it sounds like your FH isn't going to have your back and stand up to his family for you.


Good luck to you on getting this in a place that makes you feel better.

I feel your pain. My Mother in Law has been showing a lot of Narcissistic tendencies and is pretty toxic. She craves attention and it doesn't matter if it's positive attention or negative attention she just craves it at all cost. If she is not getting enough attention she starts to get rude, She also oversteps boundaries and loves to one up everyone. I try to have very little contact with her so it does not affect my mental health.