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Just Said Yes January 2020

Toxic family member showing up at the wedding?

Mikaila, on December 30, 2019 at 5:39 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 15

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Im afraid of my sister’s husband showing up to our wedding. My sister & her children fled her abusive husband 1.5 years ago. This week, she decided to move back in with him. Since she did that, he has been getting more aggressive (all through texts). Today, he texted my parents demanding money from them, myself & FH, as well as the rest of my siblings. Obviously they ignored him. My problem is this: We invited my sister & her kids to the wedding, she is aware that her husband is not invited. I would love for her to be there, but in the past, she has caused a scene at events that her husband wasn’t invited to. I’m afraid that she will either create a scene, or that he will show up uninvited. If he does show up, I would like for my MOH or Best Man to call law enforcement, is this too dramatic? The rest of my immediate family has flat out stated that they will not sit with her at the wedding (even though we’ve already completed the table settings). I’m not sure how to handle this situation. Any advice?

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15 Comments

Latest activity by Concetta, on January 3, 2020 at 2:28 PM

Dedicated November 2019
Victoria · on December 30, 2019 at 5:45 PM
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I’m sorry to hear about this situation. Do you have a day of coordinator or planner? My coordinator and several vendors would ask if there was any family drama they needed to be aware of. It’s all confidential but you should equip your professional team to handle the situation if you’re that worried about it. It’s good to have a plan of action and better for a coordinator to handle so you and your wedding party can enjoy the day while they take care of it for you.
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VIP November 2021
· on December 30, 2019 at 5:45 PM
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I think you should talk to them before hand about how he ya to not show up or else this and that will happen (if you haven’t already) tell the staff at the venue that they are to only allow guests in - he is not allowed- if he attempts to get in and isn’t respectful of your decision then yes law enforcement/security needs to be involved. I’m sorry you have to deal with this!!!!
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VIP November 2021
· on December 30, 2019 at 5:46 PM
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Exactly!!! You don’t need to have extra stress on you
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Expert November 2021
Jade · on December 30, 2019 at 5:53 PM
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Okay so me and FH are in a similar situation and we’ve discussed having a couple of plain clothed security members to try and reduce any danger or drama.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on December 30, 2019 at 5:56 PM
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I think this is a good plan and if you cannot find some security maybe put a few family members in charge. I would definitely suggest sitting down and talking with your sister and I just let her know that you definitely want her and your nieces and nephews there but only them and hopefully she can understand that because it's very important to you that she be there for that day. Hopefully she does not cause a scene but just like you would with her husband if she does start to cause a scene then just have some people escort her out as well. I'm really sorry that this is a stressor for you and I hope that everything goes well without any drama.
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Savvy October 2020
Samantha · on December 30, 2019 at 5:57 PM
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I’m sorry to hear about this situation you’re facing! You can’t uninvite your sister without her causing a scene. I think you have to let her come, but have a game plan for if she acts up or her husband shows up uninvited. Have a point person, such as a friend, family member or day of coordinator/planner be prepared to diffuse a situation. Don’t call law enforcement unless they refuse to leave. And talk to your sister again to make clear bad behavior from her or from him won’t be tolerated.
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Super October 2020
Eri · on December 30, 2019 at 6:36 PM
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PPs have great advice! I would definitely talk to your venue about security, including your concerns and options, just in case. (My venue has security, and if I had a family situation like this one, I would at least discuss it with my point-of-contact.)
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on December 30, 2019 at 6:55 PM
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Definitely inform your venue of the situation and you can give them a picture of him so they will know to ask him to leave if he shows up.
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Expert September 2021
Ka-Rina · on December 30, 2019 at 9:40 PM
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What do you mean he has been demanding money??? Why??? If he's unstable and showed violent behavior before id show to tolerance to him and sorry to say your sister also... especially since she in the past made a scene that related to him being not invited. Abuse always escalates and if he's aggressive thru even texts...who knows what he's capable of.... This is crazy and very sad for your sisters kids...
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Beginner May 2020
Aaliya · on December 30, 2019 at 11:57 PM
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OMG, I thought it is something we - middle eastern - are familiar with only. But there is no limit of toxic family members everywhere.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on December 31, 2019 at 2:13 AM
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Our venue straight up asked us if there were any people who could be a problem/not be allowed in. We spoke about my mother, and our coordinator was aware that she should not be allowed into the venue (my father and I correctly predicted that she'd be too scared to show up).
As others have said, your venue is likely equipped to handle this. However, given that there is the possibility of violence, you might want to ask them to beef up the security. Make them aware of the scale of the problem.

Good luck!
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Dedicated May 2021
Gabbie · on December 31, 2019 at 3:32 AM
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Wait, why does your family not want to sit with your sister though? Just based off the idea that the guy might come? I dont think its dramatic to call law enforcement if he shows because you paid a lot to put this event on, and youre looking forward to it, so if you have suspicion that he could be even the slightest problem, then its worth it.
My mom tried to split us up when my fiance and i first got together, and she remained kind of a jerk for the first few years, and she likes to cause scenes and shes invited. We already talked about calling law enforcement as well, and we will if so much as one little thing happens because who knows if that will progress
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Expert February 2020
Cherry · on December 31, 2019 at 12:54 PM
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Ouch, this is so tough, especially because it's your sister and you want her there!

Any time there's the potential for violence and there's also alcohol involved in a situation, there is the potential for really bad things going down. I'd stick with involving law enforcement if needed, or hiring security for the evening. If your sister has taken this guy back, and she knows he's not allowed to come, there's a strong possibility that she calls him up during the reception to invite him, telling it's OK. Or him not being there might create more drama between the two of them and then hurt-feelings-husband could show up just to cause a scene or worse. Or like you said, your sister could be the one causing drama because he wasn't invited.

Definitely have a plan in place for in case this guy shows up, or in case your sister gets rowdy, because sometimes family is too soft and will just let these people get away with ruining the day, for the sake of "being the bigger person" or "because they're family", etc. You're paying a lot of money for this and it's your day, not theirs. Yours and your guests' safety is a top priority, especially the ones who don't know about this drama who might inadvertently end up getting mixed up in it.
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Super November 2021
Alejandra · on January 1, 2020 at 9:37 AM
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Like other PPs have said, talk to your DOC and venue managers. We were asked about family dynamics by both vendors and if there was any drama they needed to be aware of. Our venue also has security and is literally across the street from the police office lol. I don’t think calling law enforcement is drastic. He sounds like a violent, horrible person and I’m sure you’d have sound reasons to call the police. Hopefully it won’t coke to that! I would also suggest sitting your sister down (just the two of you, no SOs) and asking that she understand why he’s not invited and that you don’t want any drama or she will also be asked to leave.
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Super March 2020
Concetta · on January 3, 2020 at 2:28 PM
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You should inform your venue of this situation, I do not think you are overacting at all. Speak with your sister to clarify he is not welcomed at all, and that if he still shows up there will be major consequence.
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