Stephanie
Dedicated October 2020

Toxic Brother...

Stephanie, on January 29, 2020 at 10:03 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 15
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Okay so I’m a little torn on what to do here.. we have my bachelor and bachelorette party. We are doing a joint one in Atlantic City.. here’s my dilemma.. so we invited the bridal party and their significant others.. so I have three of my best friends and my sister and then my fiancé’s half which is his brother in law ( plus his sister), my step brother and his wife, and his two best friends.

Now here’s the problem I also invited my other step brother on my dads side because he and my fiancé are close and it would be a fun time! Now I also wanted to invite my other step brother and his long term girlfriend because she is literally making me all my bridesmaids gifts for cost and that’s it! These are all the people who have been super supportive!
Now I have an actual blood brother who I am not close to at all.. In fact if I had the option to not be around him I wouldn’t. He gets drunk and nasty to me all the time I can name 5 to 6 different times in the last few years where he has become nasty and mean and said horrid things. Things you couldn’t even imagine.. so I chose to stay away.. I hate not being able to invite the others because I know he will play the victim card and milk it.. I have no idea what to do. I want to invite everyone above except my brother but I fear the outcome.. plus if I invite my brother I will be a o beyond stressed because of how he acts when he drinks and we’re obviously going to be drinking.. ugh sorry for the long rant.. just worried and stressing probably for nothing but this is how worked up being near my actual brother gets me. Any advice would be appreciated.. ❤ thanks ladies

15 Comments

Latest activity by Pam, on January 30, 2020 at 1:45 AM
  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
    • Flag

    I don't think you should invite your brother. If he's been verbally abusive towards you, then he has no room to act entitled to an any invitations to your events.

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  • Stephanie
    Dedicated October 2020
    Stephanie ·
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    I agree just terrified of the backlash with my family. Even though they know how he is.. it’s a mess. If he isn’t the center of attention he acts out and not that I expect to be center of the attention but it will be our Bach party.. soo we will be somewhat the center lol. I just know he will spoil everything.
    • Reply
  • Mari
    Savvy May 2021
    Mari ·
    • Flag
    If you know inviting yourself brother is going to stress you out during your celebration, I wouldn’t invite him. I rather deal with the fall out afterwards.
    • Reply
  • Mari
    Savvy May 2021
    Mari ·
    • Flag
    *your brother
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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    I'm a firm believer of "blood makes you relatives, not family". If he acts that way towards you, your family should recognize that and understand that you don't want someone that toxic around your wedding events. You shouldn't have to invite someone who treats you so horribly just because he's your brother. If your family can't accept that, there's a bigger issue involved.

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  • Alexis
    Dedicated October 2020
    Alexis ·
    • Flag
    I am in a similar situation and will absolutely not be inviting this person. If anyone has anything to say about it they can go you know where. I don’t think there will be backlash, but I’d chose that over having this person at our wedding. It’s taken me many years to understand that just because someone is family doesn’t mean we have to put up with their toxic behavior. Do not let this person play the victim, that’s just one of the many ways he manipulates people. Remember, “no” is a complete sentence. Don’t let anyone try to convince you he should be there. Just no!
    • Reply
  • Alexis
    Dedicated October 2020
    Alexis ·
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    Also what Amber said.
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  • Jennifer
    Master September 2018
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag

    Take it from me please... my brother is not so much toxic but so super entitled that he thinks he is owed something from everyone and contributes nothing without a care in the world. I regret asking him to be in my wedding & providing any benefits he got from that. If I could go back and do it again, he would have been a guest. Don't invite him, when your family asks why be honest.

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  • Cherry
    Expert February 2020
    Cherry ·
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    "If your family can't accept that, there's a bigger issue involved." I agree with this 100%. Your family knows what a jerk he's been in the past. Hopefully they will not bat an eyelash when you make the RIGHT decision to not invite him. He'll never learn from his actions if people keep letting him get away with that garbage. They're just reinforcing it so he can grow more powerful. LOL I know that makes him sound like a supervillain. Honestly, this is not about him - it's about you. You should never have to be subjected to verbal abuse by someone, especially during what is supposed to be a relaxed and happy time, and especially during an event that is focused around Y-O-U.

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  • Susan
    Beginner November 2021
    Susan ·
    • Flag
    I agree, don't invite him, this is your wedding and if he's disrespected and hurt you like that he doesn't deserve to be involved. Do what makes you happy and deal with the backlash later. You don't owe anyone any explanations, your feelings are justified! Remember that!
    • Reply
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    If you aren't close to him, I wouldn't invite him. If he gets mad, let him get mad. But you'll end up having a happier weekend without him.

    • Reply
  • Teresa
    Devoted October 2020
    Teresa ·
    • Flag

    Are you willing to deal with the aftermath from the not invited brother and the family that allows him to act the way he does if you don't invite him? By "you" I mean the FH and yourself. I have a toxic older sister and I have cut ties with her the last 2.5 years of my life. I feel 100% better now but I had a battle at first.
    My family enabled her for so long and when I finally stood my ground and did not budge I had to fight the loneliness of being the black sheep for about a year and a half. Once they all stood their ground with her as well, things improved with the family ties and I. My middle sister (who is a BM of mine) asked if I was going to tell the toxic one about the wedding. Nope! She keeps asking though so I brought it up casually one night.

    FH and I talked about being polite, sending the toxic sister of mine an invitation to the wedding, and praying that God would give her a reason not to come. Until FH noticed that just in the discussion we were having I started to stress and had a minor anxiety attack. That is when he pulled what we call the "TRUMP" card out and said "NO! She is not coming and will not be getting an invite!"

    My mother and the rest of my family have grown to support me, even in this decision they support the FH and I. In the end though, it's a life you and the FH are planning together, not you guys and the entire extended family. You two do what is best for you guys and stay strong together.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    There is no must have list for a bachelor or bachelorette party. His own repeated bad behavior and intoxication in public, is reason enough to exclude him, even when other siblings are welcome. There is a social price to be paid by people who deliberately do antsocial things. People don't want you around. He could stop this garbage behavior at any time. But as is, he is not entitled to ruin every social or milestone special party you have. Do not invite. If he asks, do not share details of when and where. And be blunt. You choose to drink til you are drunk, and be nasty to everyone. We are not going to accept it any more. Stay away. Have a good time, guilt free.
    • Reply
  • Stephanie
    Dedicated October 2020
    Stephanie ·
    • Flag
    Thank you everyone for your supportive comments! He will not be invited. My fiancé agreed! We can take the aftermath because my dads side of the family agrees he has a problem but my moms side who I am not close to doesn’t see it. But our choice is to be happy. And I appreciate everyone responding and being supportive on this post for me! Smiley heart
    • Reply
  • P
    January 2014
    Pam ·
    • Flag

    Bachelor/bachelorette parties should be fun and with your close friends. He's not a friend to you and doesn't sound like fun either. Invite those you want to celebrate with and if any of your family gives you grief about leaving him out, tell them just that.

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