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Jennifer
Savvy September 2021

Torn, feeling guilty but I’m supposed to be happy

Jennifer, on October 16, 2020 at 6:38 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 17
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So, quick summary. Me and my now fiancée booked vendors before the big question but he was on board bc of covid. I have two sisters. One has twins (2 year olds) but has remained supportive, even four hours away and the other questioned why I already booked before he proposed. My sisters and I all agreed we would be each other’s maid/matron of honor for all three weddings. I was my older sister’s maid of honor and stood next to her (younger sister was second maid of honor) and for mine my younger sister would stand next to me and my older after her as matron of honor. I feel absolutely no excitement from my family, especially in comparison to his father and stepmother. I invited my younger sister to tour the venue with us this weekend and she declined because she had plans (2hrs after the scheduled tour) and she said because I already put down a deposit she didn’t need to come. This is the same one who questioned the booking of vendors before proposal. I then sent a text to both sisters asking them to come dress shopping with me on a Friday in mid November. The younger one, who lives thirty minutes away said she can do an extended lunch but has meetings. I got engaged this past weekend, am I expecting too much? Am I overreacting? My family hasn’t even mentioned how excited they are to do the parties and dress shopping but his stepmom has been all about it if I’d like it. His mom has pushed stuff on us but that’s another story. I’ve cried all this week because I feel guilty, angry and disappointed. My parents are put in the middle and my little sister is playing the victim. She’s supposed to stand next to me per our agreement, but if she’s not already being supportive of my happiness and excitement, why do I feel so guilty about questioning asking her to be my maid of honor? Any guidance greatly appreciated. I don’t want to go into my depression, which has always been a battle (that and anxiety) but I’m supposed to be excited and on cloud nine, yet I’m crying and becoming apathetic. Help!

17 Comments

Latest activity by Paige, on October 17, 2020 at 2:11 PM
  • M
    Super October 2022
    Michele ·
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    Your maid/matron of honor should be happy and supportive of your decision. If there is zero enthusiasm, pick a best friend who is excited for you instead.
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  • Jennifer
    Savvy September 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    I feel like I’d be starting more drama having one sister as matron of honor and making the other a bridesmaid versus maid of honor. Again she plus the victim and so I feel guilty. I wish I could social work myself.
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  • M
    Super October 2022
    Michele ·
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    Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Ever. If they don't like your choice, they can be guests only or choose to stay home. You decide who is closest to you and most supportive, since your family isn't. Don't allow the drama to happen..walk away, change the subject, etc.
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  • L
    Expert September 2020
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    I’d be upset too, of course you want your family to be excited for you. It sounds like maybe there is something else going on thats making them act this way, have you tried sitting down with them and just saying something feels off?
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  • Nicole
    Master September 2020
    Nicole ·
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    No one will be as excited for your wedding as you and your future spouse are. I’ll be honest in that the only person who went with me to venues, tastings, etc was my husband and I went dress shopping on my own multiple times. I’m sure your family will be more outwardly excited as your date draws closer, but they are probably focused on other things right now (which is absolutely fine). I’d temper your expectations for others’ excitement to help you not be disappointed if they don’t meet your expectations. That being said, your MOH should be your closest supporter. If that’s not your younger sister, regardless of a pre-made plan, you are entitled to choose someone whom you feel will be that support to you.
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  • Jennifer
    Savvy September 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    I have but it just goes in circles with her. My older sister thinks she’s bitter because she had a bad breakup and we’re both in serious relationships (I was the single one when they both were in serious relationships and never acted as she is). My family keeps telling me I need to reach out and I should keep inviting her so it ultimately is on her, but it is just frustrating me more and makes me more disappointed. I flat out told her I valued her opinion and wanted her there and was disappointed she couldn’t come even though she was free. That’s when she said it didn’t really matter because I already booked the venue.
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  • Jennifer
    Savvy September 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    I get it that I’m more excited than they are and my expectations are going to be different, but this was a huge deal me, the girl everyone thought would never settle down because she was her own self. I’m all over the place with emotions that I literally want to say screw it and just elope but I love my family and want them there, even though I hate crowds.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    I agree with this. It is what it is. I three in the towel bc of the lack of excitement and bc of COVID.
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  • Marabeth
    Devoted September 2020
    Marabeth ·
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    Exactly this.


    No one will ever be as happy about your wedding as you are but you definitely shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about your decisions.
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  • shaina
    Just Said Yes May 2021
    shaina ·
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    Hi! I went throughly something similar. I have two older sister, eldest sister was very supportive and the middle sister not so much. It used to bother me when my middle sister didn't want be involved or make comments that would hurt my feelings.
    My advise to you would be to invite both sisters and also some close best friends. Your younger sister might cancel last minute to all these appointments but thats okay ; her actions should not determine your feelings. Remember its all about you not about her. Focus on your self, the groom and the wedding planning. You have alot of stress already and don't need your sister to add one more.

    Ps: sisters can get jealous of each other. I came to find out my middle sister was jealous I got engaged before her. Not saying thats how your younger sister feels.

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  • Jennifer
    Savvy September 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    Thank you for sharing that. Definitely normalizes and makes me not feel insane with what I’m feeling. I’d love to have my first shopping experience with family but she’s making it hard (due to covid stores are limiting amount of people). I’ve already thought about friends and wouldn’t doubt they’d show up and be there. This is super helpful and reinforcing that the drama is going to be there but I don’t need to focus on it. I’m stepping away from talking about it with family for a while. It’s done nothing but upset me and I need a reset. Plus it may be a reality check for them.
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  • Apryl
    Devoted March 2022
    Apryl ·
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    Everyone isn't going to be as excited for your wedding as you are. It doesn't mean they don't support you. I'm not sure how far out from the wedding you are but maybe wait until it gets closer to make a decision on cutting your sister out of the bridal party.
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  • Jesyka
    Dedicated October 2020
    Jesyka ·
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    I dont want to assume your whole situation, but maybe if you can sit down with her and talk to her about your concerns, you maybe able to get to the bottom of her behavior, and, hopefully, its just a misunderstanding. But then you can decide what to do.
    At the end of the day, though, its your wedding. Don't let anyone ruin that for you.

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  • J
    January 1895
    Jessa ·
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    Shopping on a work day will not work for everyone, even a sister. She offered to come so I don't see any reason for you to be upset with her about that.

    Venue, she already has plans only 2 hours later. What if the tour goes long...how far away is it...does she need to get ready for her plans....maybe she's tired. My point is, you took her refusal in the most harsh light possible. If you reframe it in your mind do you still think that she is deliberately trying to blow you off?

    Your sister wondered why you booked venues before engagement. In my family sisters are the ones who are the most honest with you. I would advise my sister not to book anything wedding related until a true engagement was settled. Maybe she feels the same. Does that make a person unsupportive? I guess in your mind it does, but does it in hers?

    At the end of the day your sister will be one of the longest relationships of your life. I don't know her..maybe she is the biggest jerk in the world and you really lost out in the sister lottery. But if you love her and value your relationship, I would suggest a sit down and heart to heart talk without you judging her and assuming her intentions. Then you can move forward however you choose with knowledge that you made an effort to understand her and have her understand you. You cannot control someone else, only yourself.

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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I can understand them questioning why you are booking things before you even have a ring. I also get why they wouldn't be excited. Most people get excited when their friends or family members are actually engaged with a ring and a set date. That's how I am, if a friend or family member was upset I wasn't excited about their wedding when they aren't officially engaged I wouldn't understand why, because to me talking about your wedding when you aren't officially engaged is just like talking about your wedding when you aren't even in a relationship.


    With that being said, nobody and I mean nobody is going to be as excited about your big day as you and your fiance. To everyone else it is just another day. And even when people act excited they aren't as excited as you.
    With your sister not even a tad bit excited about her position in your wedding and with you now being officially engaged, there might be something more going on with her. She should be somewhat happy for you. Or at least act it. I know it can be hard when your own family isn't as excited about something big happening in your life as you. And I'm sorry you have to put up with that. But if I was you I'd probably rethink her position in the wedding, this might be a start to a lot of unnecessary stress because of her. And as for your family that will hopefully come around and the closer you get to the wedding the more excited they will be. Just keep your chin up, this is that happiest time of your life. Stop talking about the wedding to people who don't have as much excitement about the wedding. Unless they ask about it. Good luck hopefully they come around.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I absolutely agree with you, sometimes people aren't trying to hurt your feelings or be unsupportive, but the way you see it could come off in a different way than what they intend. I agree you should sit down and talk with her, have a really heart to heart conversation.
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  • P
    Savvy October 2020
    Paige ·
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    I went through something similar but with my best friend. Everyone was excited for me (including my only sister who was MOH,) but my friend was not showing ANY support. She didn't help me look at venues, she wouldn't pick her dress out from ones i showed her, and she barely spoke to me leading up to the wedding. I had to tell her twice that if she doesn't want to be a part of my wedding then i needes to know a.s.a.p she eventually went dress shopping with me and my sister for their dresses and giving support.


    For your situation id tell your sister that if she isn't happy or supporting you then you nees to know. I'd also ask her if she even wants to be a part of the wedding. She might come around after that. But try not to put all your focus on the stress she is giving. If she is being negative just ignore her and turn to someone that is thrilled for you!!
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