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Too soon

Asil, on March 26, 2023 at 4:56 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 3

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I’m 34 and never been married or had children. I’ve been in a few long term relationships. I’ve been with my partner for a year and this is the relationship I’ve been waiting for. It’s everything I want and need. My partner is 26 so I understand the age gap but it doesn’t feel like there is one. For context, we are in a same sex relationship. And both had a lot of life experience and tragedy’s that have brought us closer. She is everything I want in life. I would love to propose and then perhaps after a few years, once we’ve hit some life goals we look at getting married.

I am extremely close to my mum, she’s like my best friend. I discussed it with her and she thinks it’s too soon. Now she’s very old school in her thinking. But she shocked me by saying not only is it too soon and wait a few years but if I want to get married ‘don’t have a big wedding and just go away and make it legal and come home’ she said don’t invite anyone and I don’t even have to invite her. She has always been great with my sexuality but this is making me feel like I’m an embarrassment, if she doesn’t want anyone to see me getting married and I should just go away and do it. My mum is all I have, we have no other family through tragic circumstances, and my mum is 60 and is always making comments about not having much time left (before she dies), so why would she not want to see milestones in my life? I can’t help but feel its embarrassment. She is the best and most supportive mum, but I think this bothers her.
I was so excited to propose I’ve waited a long time to find the right person in my life, I’m 34, I never thought I would and now it’s had a dampener on it. Is a year too soon when you truly know yourself it’s the right decision? Sorry I just feel a bit meh and conflicted right now

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3 Comments

Latest activity by Carrie, on March 29, 2023 at 5:04 PM

CM · on March 26, 2023 at 7:59 AM
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A year is really not a lot of time at all, especially when your partner is still relatively young. Chances are you are still in the honeymoon stage. Personally, I see no point in an engagement if you aren’t going to be planning a wedding, so from those two perspectives, I think it probably is early. If you want kids, that’s a consideration of course, but the age difference may come different timelines or priorities. Have you discussed any of this?

Your mom’s comments are a separate issue. It could be for the reasons you say but perhaps there are financial issues or she just doesn’t think a big wedding is an intelligent use of a lot of money at your age.
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Dedicated August 2023
Lianne · on March 26, 2023 at 10:35 PM
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Everyone’s timelines are different! Some people wait 10 years before getting married and it still ends up in a disaster, and others get married after only two months and have an amazing marriage! Time definitely helps determine how a relationship will go, but it’s not always a sure fire thing. It sounds like you for sure know what you want out of a relationship and recognize it in your partner so that’s a great indication! But I understand the concerns about your partner being younger and possibly not knowing exactly what they want in a relationship so that’s a little more tricky. If you’ve had conversations about your future together and you’re both on the same page then a proposal should be completely valid!

As far as your mom, I don’t know the best way to handle it. You did mention that she’s pretty much your only family, so maybe that’s why she expects the wedding to be small? I would hope it’s not because she’s embarrassed of you! Maybe she’s just worried that you’d be sad not having any other family there, or she’s afraid of embarrassing you if she’s all you have for family while you’re partner has (I assume) more. Sounds like it could be pretty deep, and that would have to be a private conversation. Maybe she needs that assurance from you that you’d be happy with a wedding. I don’t know. But I hope it all works out!
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Beginner June 2023
Carrie · on March 29, 2023 at 5:04 PM
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My fiance and I have the same age gap, and he proposed at the one year mark of our relationship. We'd talked about marriage allot before hand and he knew he wanted to get marry soon as the older one and that I didn't think there was much point for "waiting" for years to see if we still liked eachother I guess...I'm almost painfully loyal and so is he, and we feel like we're meant for eachother...If you want to propose and you know she wants you too, I'd do it...if its not something she's mentioned though, maybe some chatting would be a good thing to do beforehand.
As for your mom, I'd just tell her what you and your partner want out of a wedding and what your plans are...she'll either agree, with probably some conversation first, or explain her feelings more clearly. It just sounds like maybe its something that just needs to be clearly talked through, because it is big and important, especially if your partner wants a big wedding too...or even a small wedding, not just eloping
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