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Beginner May 2019

To tell or not to tell the ex-wife? Who should tell?

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Country Ms, on October 16, 2018 at 12:57 PM

My fiancee and I are planning to elope in January with the teenage kids. The ex-wife is very dramatic and somewhat aggressive. We're debating on when and who(me or my fiance) should tell the ex-wife. One-if we tell her in advance it could give her time to adjust to it but also give her more time to cause problems. Two-if we tell her last minute she more than likely ruin the mood of the event via constant text or calls to me or the kids. Third if we tell her after the fact we would be forcing the kids to keep a secret or have to tell them last minute(which we don't feel is a good idea). Thoughts?

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26 Comments

Devoted June 2019
Lola · on October 16, 2018 at 4:12 PM
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Could your boyfriend propose to you at some point before you elope? I think having an engagement solidifies the thought in the kids head that a wedding is coming. That way, they won't be surprised with the idea when it does come up. I am in a similar situation, we have been completely honest with my FH's ex from the very beginning (we told her two days after we got engaged in January of this year), and she still filed a motion trying to have the kids not stay with us after I moved in in August because we are "not in a serious relationship." Of course, she failed to tell her lawyer we have been engaged for months and have a wedding date set and the motion was dismissed. Unfortunately, the ex drama is something you cannot exactly control, all you can hope for is that she does what is best for the kids. But I think if perhaps the kids knew you were engaged, and knew you were serious, you could tell them on the trip that you were getting married and they would be excited. They are older, and a little more mature than some having to deal with this issue, so honestly I think that would be fine, and fun even. Good luck!
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Master January 2019
Cassidy · on October 16, 2018 at 4:28 PM
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I had a coworker plan a “surprise” wedding while it was her time with the kids they lived across the country and she’s get them a couple of times a year. I don’t think she told them until after she picked them up to take them back here. She knew if her ex found out he would find a way to not let the kids go or ruin it. I don’t think she posted anything about it online until after the ceremony. As far as I know it all went smoothly. Her kids were 9 and 12 I think at the time.
I think only you(and FH) know the best way to handle this. But if his ex is like my coworkers ex, it’s probably best not to tell her until after.
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Master June 2016
Sarah · on October 16, 2018 at 4:31 PM
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So your FH has sole physical and legal custody of his children, they live with you full time, and you haven’t yet discussed you two getting married with them?
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Beginner May 2019
Country Ms · on October 16, 2018 at 5:03 PM
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Yes, He has primary custody and that live with us primarily. My FH is straight forward, we just recently decided on the elopement and are discussing the plans. We decided to elope because we're not wanting the shabang of putting on a wedding and having to worry about forgetting to invite plus we're not much on big crowds
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Beginner May 2019
Country Ms · on October 23, 2018 at 8:20 AM
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Well, we decided to pospone the elopement to May so that we can do an engagement and give the kids a few months to adjust and give the ex-wife drama stuff time to die down
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Just Said Yes February 2020
Christina · on October 24, 2018 at 4:06 AM
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This sounds like a good plan. If they need time to adjust to change an engagement will definitely help. They're old enough that really, it may be a step they're expecting (depending on how long you've been together). As far as the wedding itself goes, you may want to see how the engagement comes across but since he has custody I don't see why the ex needs to know that your family vacation is a little more special than she realizes.
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