To Hyphenate or Not to Hyphenate..?

It's not hurtful at all to want to keep your own last name, whether you're also taking his or not. If keeping your last name is important to you, then you have every right to make that decision. Your FH should be understanding of that. Is he willing to give up his last name and take yours? If not, then he definitely has no room to tell you that you can't keep your own last name. The best way to resolve this issue is to tell him what's important to you. He should respect that, even if it isn't his desired outcome.

Long time ago I told FH I wasn't sure about changing my name. He was upset at first because he wanted us to have the same name, but eventually said that if it was that important to me then he would take my name. I've since decided that I do want to change my name, but he would've been willing to work something out we were both happy with if I didn't want to take his name.

Just because something is hurtful to someone else, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. He’s entitled to his feelings just like you’re entitled to make your own choice when it comes to YOUR name. Your FH will be okay.

I chose to not hyphenate my name because i was so excited to be married but sort of look back and wish that i had nowadays simply because we dont have much family alive with my maiden name anymore. you have a say in this as well, in fact more so than him, so if hyphenating your name makes you happy then you should definitely do it. youll probably regret it otherwise. its totally reasonable to want to hyphenate and many women do just that. i dont think it says anything at all about "not wanting to be a part of his family" but rather indicates that youd like to stay a part of yours AND be a part of his. nothing wrong with that whatsoever. it will all work itself out. good luck love!

For another perspective, I was married before and took my ex's last name so that I would share the last name with my daughter. I will be married again and I will be hyphenating my name, because I want to retain the same name as my daughter and take his name. That is what is important to me. He initially had an issue with it, but I was not budging. It was later brought to his attention that his mother did the same, so he settled down. Call me by the FH's last name all you want, but legally, it will be hyphenated.

I think you are asking the wrong people. We cannot tell you if it hurtful to your FH or not. Sounds like he already voiced that but sure, you also have the right to keep your identity as well. The only thing I can suggest is just to sit down and talk about it. Tell each other your sides and see if there is a compromise. I think hyphenating is a compromise but I would also not just shoot down his feelings either since it is apparently important to him.

Another idea is to move your current last name to your middle name which is what my cousin did. It was her compromise as she also didn't want to fully lose her maiden name.

I don't think it's hurtful, and it's more common. I personally didn't. I wanted to share a last name with my husband and our future kids. My husband's best friend has a hyphenated last name from his mother and he hates it, from a legal standpoint and just from a day to day standpoint. He changed it to just his father's last name recently. I'd maybe talk to your fiance about this in counseling.

Your FH is being a diva about this. It is not hurtful to want to keep a part of your identity.

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This, exactly. He's allowed to not like it, but it's ultimately your decision and this particular issue doesn't actually affect him (he is only reacting to patriarchal tradition). Compromise is important in marriage, but save the compromise for things that are important to you both.

No, I’m in the same boat feeling the same and I decided to hyphen also! You can do what you want, I mentioned the same thing to my fiancée and I feel like his been an addition to my life a blessing so I want to add his last name not fully drop mine for tradition, because to be honest I’m still both my family and now his.... if that makes any sense! I really think you should hyphen especially earning all your degrees with your last name! 🤷🏾‍♀️

I'm pretty sure my fiance would be cool with me changing my last name to fish face if it made me happy.


I'm hypenating. This has been my name for 32 years. People will call me by my new name. I just dont like giving up my identity.

Tell him that if he thinks you should use the same last name, you have no objection to his changing to your last name. You are NOT joining his family when you marry, any more than he is joining yours. Keep your own name. Hyphenating gets to be a Pita. People remember each of your names now. Keep them. Anyone who calls you his, simply correct them. Same as you would if they called you any wrong name.😊