To change name or not in modern day?

With my ex husband I didn't take his last name. We never had issues with children or anything having his last name or mine. It's total preference now. I'd say don't do it.

I got married the first time in my mid-20s to a Marine. There was a lot of pressure to change my name and I wish I hadn't. Ironically, now I'm more than 25 years into my career with my ex-husband's last name. I'm not willing to start over with a new name, so I'm keeping my ex's name when I get married in November. Fortunately, FH is very understanding. We both consider it my name, not my ex's name since I've had this name most of my adult life.

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Thank you for the advice Sammi, I appreciate it!

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Thank you Caryn for sharing, this is helpful to know

I considered keeping my birth name but ultimately wanted the same name as my husband and future children. As H was already more established in his career, it was a decision that I didn't overthink much. It worked for us, and that's really all I cared about.

None of the concerns or red tape you mention would be very significant in your place. I don't think either last name flows any better TBH. The decision has to be yours and yours alone.

In Spanish culture people typically keep their mom and dads last name. You could take both last names and that way when it comes to publishing or your uniform you could still wear just your last name. I’m not sure about the cac but I know your uniform you can choose one or the other if you take both last names. So example …. Your name would legally be Delaney [middle name] Bennet Granko or you could do Delaney [middle name] Granko Bennet but your uniform will just say Bennet. You could also do the same for your kids. I just changed my last name and while I turned in the marriage certificate it does not list my new name on it and I haven’t given them my new social so I’m just going my my maiden name until I finally go down to deers. I did order my name tapes lol. But yeah I will say I do have a son from a past relationship and I kind of regret not giving him both last names

The advice I was given and chose to follow was if you are questioning it/unsure, keep your name...enjoy being engaged and/or married a bit then reevaluate later if it starts to become an issue/topic.

I'm in a similar boat, although I'm a little bit more "established" (read: older, haha). At this particular moment, I'm leaning towards continuing to use my maiden name professionally (finished my doctorate 12 years ago, and I've published) and using his name socially. I'm still undecided on changing it legally, but I'm testing out using his last name on social media to see how I feel about it. The general sense that I'm getting from people who I've asked is that it depends on how important it is to you to have one family last name. I've heard that having the same last name as your children can make medical, school, and travel-related things easier, but the issues that I've heard about seem more like inconvenient annoyances than anything. It's also customary in my culture for the mom's maiden name to be used as the children's middle name, so I'm hopeful that if we do that, it will help smooth some of those inconveniences if I decide to keep my maiden name.

Another alternative professionally (if it's used in your field) is to register for an ORCID (it's free). It's a unique identifier that you can attach to all of your publications, so even if your name changes after you've published, you can still have a unified publication record.

I was married while active duty and changed my name, so I know it can be a lot of hoops to jump through! Honestly, I wish I hadn't. I'm back to my maiden name now and have had to produce documentation to explain why my name doesn't match that on my DD214. I'm getting remarried next year, and I am not changing my name. Maybe I'm just lazy, but it just isn't worth the hassle for me. I don't mind if people assume I'm taking his name or refer to me by his last name, but I don't have to make that legal change.

Congrats on your recent wedding!

Hey Delaney,


I am in a similar position so I understand. As a fellow military member I openly told my husband I wouldn’t take his last name (on paper) until/or if I got out of the military, but I would go by his last name socially.
Of course military people will probably still call you by your last name because that’s what they know you by, but anyone you meet in the future wouldn’t know the difference unless they see it on paper.
As far as your degree, I personally would say keep your maiden name on that because you worked hard for that. (But I am also unaware of any legal conflicts that might cause if you decide to change it in the future). If it is not a strain on your relationships, I would just wait until your comfortable releasing your last last name or you find alternative compromise.
One alternative compromise for my relationship is my future business will be named after my maiden name to honor my father (we’re really close) and keep my maiden name alive. (Sorry this post was so long, but hope it helps. Also like you I want kids and I have wholeheartedly plan on having them take their fathers name as well).

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Thank you CM! I agree - I did end up speaking with my husband and I will feel more close to the family unit and my children knowing we all share a name. I was told now is the time to change it by military individuals I have spoken to before I get deeper into my career. I went to SS this morning and changed it, now starting the long process. I am looking at it as the next phase of my life. For any publications and books in the future I will hyphenate it. My husband and I agreed to name our first son Bennett to carry on the name, and if Bennett doesn't seem to fit our first child we will use it as a middle name. That way I can keep the name alive It was a difficult decision though and it will take time for me to get used to the last name! I am excited for what it means for my husbands and my future. If something happens (hopefully not but I understand we cannot tell the future) I will either keep it as my professional name still or go back and change it to my maiden name later - albeit a time consuming change, but I like to keep my options open. I did consider two last names, seems very long to have both although it flows nicely. I decided for just Granko

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Thank you Rebecca! I agree - I did end up speaking with my husband and I will feel more close to the family unit and my children knowing we all share a name. I was told now is the time to change it by military individuals I have spoken to before I get deeper into my career. I went to SS this morning and changed it, now starting the long process. I am looking at it as the next phase of my life. For any publications and books in the future I will hyphenate it. My husband and I agreed to name our first son Bennett to carry on the name, and if Bennett doesn't seem to fit our first child we will use it as a middle name. That way I can keep the name alive It was a difficult decision though and it will take time for me to get used to the last name! I am excited for what it means for my husbands and my future. If something happens (hopefully not but I understand we cannot tell the future) I will either keep it as my professional name still or go back and change it to my maiden name later - albeit a time consuming change, but I like to keep my options open. I did consider two last names, seems very long to have both although it flows nicely. I decided for just Granko

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Thank you! I agree - I did end up speaking with my husband and I will feel more close to the family unit and my children knowing we all share a name. I was told now is the time to change it by military individuals I have spoken to before I get deeper into my career. I went to SS this morning and changed it, now starting the long process. I am looking at it as the next phase of my life. For any publications and books in the future I will hyphenate it. My husband and I agreed to name our first son Bennett to carry on the name, and if Bennett doesn't seem to fit our first child we will use it as a middle name. That way I can keep the name alive It was a difficult decision though and it will take time for me to get used to the last name! I am excited for what it means for my husbands and my future. If something happens (hopefully not but I understand we cannot tell the future) I will either keep it as my professional name still or go back and change it to my maiden name later - albeit a time consuming change, but I like to keep my options open. I did consider two last names, seems very long to have both although it flows nicely. I decided for just Granko

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Thank you Valerie! I agree - I did end up speaking with my husband and I will feel more close to the family unit and my children knowing we all share a name. I was told now is the time to change it by military individuals I have spoken to before I get deeper into my career. I went to SS this morning and changed it, now starting the long process. I am looking at it as the next phase of my life. For any publications and books in the future I will hyphenate it. My husband and I agreed to name our first son Bennett to carry on the name, and if Bennett doesn't seem to fit our first child we will use it as a middle name. That way I can keep the name alive It was a difficult decision though and it will take time for me to get used to the last name! I am excited for what it means for my husbands and my future. If something happens (hopefully not but I understand we cannot tell the future) I will either keep it as my professional name still or go back and change it to my maiden name later - albeit a time consuming change, but I like to keep my options open. I did consider two last names, seems very long to have both although it flows nicely. I decided for just Granko

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Thank you Ellen for sharing your perspective! I did end up speaking with my husband and I will feel more close to the family unit and my children knowing we all share a name. I was told now is the time to change it by military individuals I have spoken to before I get deeper into my career. I went to SS this morning and changed it, now starting the long process. I am looking at it as the next phase of my life. For any publications and books in the future I will hyphenate it. My husband and I agreed to name our first son Bennett to carry on the name, and if Bennett doesn't seem to fit our first child we will use it as a middle name. That way I can keep the name alive It was a difficult decision though and it will take time for me to get used to the last name! I am excited for what it means for my husbands and my future. If something happens (hopefully not but I understand we cannot tell the future) I will either keep it as my professional name still or go back and change it to my maiden name later - albeit a time consuming change, but I like to keep my options open. I did consider two last names, seems very long to have both although it flows nicely. I decided for just Granko

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Thank you Angelica! I plan to keep maiden name on the degree, and then be announced as hyphenated at graduation I did end up speaking with my husband and I will feel more close to the family unit and my children knowing we all share a name. I was told now is the time to change it by military individuals I have spoken to before I get deeper into my career. I went to SS this morning and changed it, now starting the long process. I am looking at it as the next phase of my life. For any publications and books in the future I will hyphenate it. My husband and I agreed to name our first son Bennett to carry on the name, and if Bennett doesn't seem to fit our first child we will use it as a middle name. That way I can keep the name alive It was a difficult decision though and it will take time for me to get used to the last name! I am excited for what it means for my husbands and my future. If something happens (hopefully not but I understand we cannot tell the future) I will either keep it as my professional name still or go back and change it to my maiden name later - albeit a time consuming change, but I like to keep my options open. I did consider two last names, seems very long to have both although it flows nicely. I decided for just Granko

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Wishing you all the best as you move forward with your future! I love the name Bennett, and think it is a fabulous nod to your family!

Glad you and your husband came to a decision, Delaney.

Just came on here to say, my husband and I choose not to have children and yet we decided to change last names and religion so we can be one family (of 2 people). I know others mentioned future children, but each family has their own reasons. Best wishes to all!

You also have the option to hyphenate it, but it’s all up to you. People will think y’all aren’t married if you keep your maiden name. I think it’ll flow better with the same last names for your husband and future children & they won’t have all the questions for why you don’t have their last names. Totally up to you & understandable.

We just got married on the 20th and I was having the same dilemma. My husband had previously changed his name to take his step-father's, so being a "Kauer" is very special to him, especially since his step-dad (Father in all but blood really) died 3 weeks before our wedding.

I was never fond of my last name growing up because I thought it sounded pretty cookie-cutter, however, as an adult it has become very important because it connects me to my Dad who is a wonderful person, and I have always tried to make him proud by being the same way as much as possible. I have a blended family on both my mother's and father's sides, with both step-parents having children from their first marriages too, so we have a lot of family names, and all my siblings and step-siblings are married now too - However, I identify with being a Petersen. I also really want to honor the Kauer part of my family too.

But I can't have it both ways , except by hyphenating. I think I have decided to go by Mrs. Kauer socially and to legally hyphen to Mrs. Petersen-Kauer. The beauty of a hyphenation is I can kind of go by either. And I would be proud no matter which people call me because they are both my family names.

I understand having a professional rank/license or title complicates things, but you can always ask those around you to call you Delaney Granko, or Delaney Bennet, depending on what you feel is appropriate to that particular setting, and have your legal name under Delaney Bennett-Granko.

I hope you reach a decision that feels as comfortable to you as you can.

Also although I know it's a complicated process you can always hyphenate for now and evaluate when you're passport expires in (5-7 yrs?) maybe by then, you'll find yourself liking one more than the other - you can always change it, it is an absolute pain, but if it really doesn't feel right to who you are and where you are in the future it's not truly permanent.