Me and my MOH have been BFF’s since we were little - well over 20 years. We always talked about planning our weddings together, and how each of us would be MOH for the other, and her daughter was going to be a flower girl. She is a *literal* model and has always had her pick of guys. While I know I'm beautiful too, I've always been a bit thicker than her (she's pencil thin). We've both had kids and neither of us are with their fathers anymore (we both experienced some physically/mentally abusive situations), and after my last break up I went through some therapy to work through everything. After which, I found my amazing fiancé - we were introduced by a gal who started working at my job and thought I'd be great for her hubby’s BFF. She’s going to be my only other bridesmaid.=
When we got engaged in December, MOH seemed very excited for me! She talked about getting together all the time (we live about 20 minutes apart) and doing all of the projects together (I'm keeping it very small; only the closest 40 family and friends including me, FH, and the kids) and DIY-ing the entire thing to save money. Our venue is FH’s parents’ vacation house about 3 hours away.
I bought both their dresses for them and because I work with the other gal, I was able to just give it to her to take home and try on. My MOH kept pushing me off when I asked her to come get hers. She wasn’t following through with anything – coming over to DIY, meeting up for drinks, and no-call/no-showing to two of my kids’ birthday parties while “forgetting” to invite me to hers. I wrote messaged her, saying I was disappointed and that I didn’t feel like she was as supportive or excited as I thought she would be. She responded with a “life's busy, but I’m sorry and I’ll try to do better.” Ultimately, I ended up just bringing the dress to her.
While together, all she wanted to talk about was this guy that she had just met on Tinder. We’ve been through this song and dance before: She meets a “great” guy who only wants her for her looks, wines and dines and shows her off to his friends, controls what she wears and says, then drops her as soon as she starts demanding a healthy relationship. She and I are always 100% honest with each other, so I told her I didn’t like the sound of him and the things he was saying to her. Our “wine date” ended with both of us feeling a bit frustrated. But I did invite her to come up the following weekend with the rest of the bridal party to the house to drop some stuff off, get a feel for the space, and relax around the pool for a couple of days. She never responded, but ended up going to the same lake the weekend after with her “friend” and her kids, didn’t mention it to me, and posted about it only on a social media platform she knows I’m not on (someone else showed it to me later).
I never wanted a bridal shower and told her as much from the get-go. She was disappointed but understood. Not too long after our “wine date” my mom and other bridesmaid added her to a group text to find out how to get me on board with one. She became extremely offended that my mom and other bridesmaid had “overstepped” and got upset that I “lied” about not wanting one. Keep in mind I still knew nothing about it at this point. Well, the bridesmaid brought it up to me and let me know that she’d love to help MOH plan it, but she could tell MOH was already upset and didn’t want to offend her any further. I talked to MOH and told her I wouldn’t mind having one (the idea of it was making my mom SO happy, I couldn’t say no) and she seemed happy again.
She and I set a date and picked the wine bar by her house for the venue. I talked with the owner and told MOH what I’d like for food/drinks/décor so she wouldn’t have to think of everything herself; just put it all together. Week after week went by and she had done nothing. My group of family/friends really scatter over the summer, so I explained how important it was for them to be sent out early; but still nothing. All of this while she kept saying “I’ll get to it” or “life is so busy!” and “Oh yeah, I need to check on that” and asking if this her new “friend” could come to the ceremony.
It became clear that none of this
was a priority for her, and with time dwindling I finally just let her know that my mom was going to host the
shower and that we had decided not to have a MOH/ Best Man; that I still wanted
her to come to the shower and be a bridesmaid and be a part of our day; but that she seemed to have a lot going on and I was going to take this off her plate. I let her know that because we’re keeping the wedding so
small, that we’re not doing any plus ones (I’ve never met this guy) but that he’s
welcome to the big reception we’re having in September for extended family and
friends.
She responded with a long message
about how life is busy (I have 3 kids, she has 2, we both work full time, so I
get it; but we make time for what’s important) and that she felt “pushed out”
by my bridesmaid – that she felt like she wasn’t my best friend anymore and the
other gal is taking her spot. I told her I missed our friendship, but that she’s
excluded me from everything in her life. That because I don’t support another unhealthy relationship that she and her kids are getting sucked into, I’ve been ostracized
(she’s made her feelings known about my prior unhealthy relationships as well,
and she was right, so this isn’t unprecedented).
She ultimately said she isn’t coming to the shower and has left me on “read” for about a month when I asked her if she’s coming to the ceremony. I’m convinced she isn’t going to be there and have now asked my SIL to step up, so our wedding party isn’t uneven. If ex-MOH does come, the plan would just be for my brother to move up from Usher to Groomsman and we’ll have 6 in our wedding party instead of 4; but I don’t know if I even want her there anymore. I feel like her nasty attitude would just ruin the weekend.
Should I feel bad about not having her be MOH for our ceremony, or not really wanting to deal with her crap the weekend of?
