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MK
Expert September 2021

Thoughts - Random Discussion!

MK, on April 8, 2021 at 11:16 AM Posted in Community Conversations 0 23
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There have been a few hot topics recently with my friends and I'm dying to know ya'll's opinions on them!

1. I have no desire in my heart to ask my fiancé about his "body count". I think that what he did before me isn't really my business. Some of my friends have said that they have gotten into serious fights with their S.O over this body count list from years prior to them even meeting. I think this is so strange and totally an invasion of privacy, and kind of immature to ask to begin with. Is this a normal discussion to have with your S.O?

2. A few friends have said that their husbands or boyfriends don't allow them to wear anything sexy. For example, my bachelorette is next weekend and most of us have ordered super cute and fun outfits - some are body con dresses or bodysuits, and workout sets for one of the activities we are doing. One of my bridesmaids was appalled and said her husband would never let her dress that way. My fiancé helped me pick out my outfits and loved them when I tried them on for him when they came in - he hyped me up and thought I looked great. For reference, I'm wearing white pants with a lace bodysuit, a very chic mini dress, and a workout set with leggings and a sports bra. I think my FH is extremely attractive and want him to look his best, and he feels the same way.

I don't feel like I need to be told what to wear. I consider myself a pretty good judge of what's an appropriate way to present myself without disrespecting myself or my relationship. I definitely submit to and serve my FH in likely every way, but I just feel like this would be a lot.

What are ya'll's thoughts on this?!


23 Comments

Latest activity by ScandalousRandallous, on April 12, 2021 at 5:20 PM
  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    For #1, we honestly never really discuss our past dating histories. Sometimes things come up in conversation, but for the most part, the past is the past. I'm a bit more open about discussing past dating history, but my husband gets a little uncomfortable (not jealous per say, but uncomfortable).


    As far as #2 is concerned, we each have the right to wear whatever we want. Sure, I would take it into account if I put something on and husband says "hey, that doesn't look like it fits right" or I say that to him. If one of is trying on a new piece of clothing or something, but he would never in a million years tell me I cannot wear something sexy if I want to.
    • Reply
  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
    • Flag
    1. Body count doesn’t matter. I know his is low but I don’t know the exact number and I don’t care. He doesn’t care what mine was either.


    2. He would never tell me what I can or can’t wear. He will be Honest with me and he will tell me if something looks like crap if I ask him, but never tell me I can’t wear some thing. I would also never tell him what he can or can’t wear. We basically would never let each other leave the house looking like fools, but he’s got plenty of shirts that I hate that he loves LOL. I do secretly pray that the shirts get holes in them so I can throw them away and sometimes they do 😉, but other than that no he can wear whatever he wants
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  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK ·
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    I totally understand that! My fiancé and I have talked about both of our ex's, but I couldn't tell you who he's slept with aside from his serious relationships that I just assume. I feel the same way about #2. If he were genuinely uncomfortable with something I was wanting to wear, I would take it into account for sure!

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  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK ·
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    Agreed! He will 100% be like "I like those shoes better with that outfit.". He's even said "Why don't you throw on a ball cap" if it's dry shampoo day LOL. But we want each other to look and feel good! I would be so taken aback if he just outright demanded I wear or not wear something

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  • E
    Expert September 2022
    EGD ·
    • Flag

    1. FH and I were each others firsts so I'm not concerned about his body count and vice versa, even if we weren't it wouldn't matter. We know about each of each others past relationships and flings. For me it was important to go into a pretty in depth story of one of my past "relationships" because it played such a huge role in the state of my mental health at the time we met, it was important to me that he knew why I was pulling back from having a relationship with him when we started talking.

    2. FH does tell me if I'm showing too much of the goods, but not in a way to tell me I can't wear it more of in a joking way. I'm a grown adult, I can dress myself. He will tell me if something doesn't look good or doesn't fit or highlights my body in a negative manner. He would NEVER try and dictate what I can and cannot wear, and if he did try, he knows I wouldn't put up with it.

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  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK ·
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    Totally understandable. And I think your #2 response is pretty spot on! The bodysuit I ordered for my bachelorette is kind of a mesh material. When it came in, there wasn't padding in the bra area so you could see straight through it. He was kind of like "Uh... I love the outfit but you're gonna have to do something about that" and he was laughing about it, but obviously meant it. So took it to a tailor and got material added to the bra area - but I would have done that without him even requesting it!

    Totally agree!

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  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
    • Flag

    1. FH and I have never discussed our 'body count' nor do we plan on it. We just don't see it as something important or relative to our relationship. Now if FH does want to bring the subject up, then I'm more than happy to! I don't view someone 'body count' as a reflection of themselves. If you've been with no one before me, fine...if you've been with 10 before me, also fine.

    2. FH doesn't tell me what to wear lol, but he does offer his opinion because he knows I value it! We both respect one another and the fact that we're grown adults that can dress themselves, BUT we're not afraid to tell the other person what does/doesn't look good on them.

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  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK ·
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    I feel the same way! It wouldn't make a difference to me what the body count was and I wouldn't mind discussing mine if he asked, but I would definitely think it was a strange thing to ask LOL. #2 is perfectly said! Please tell me if I look like an idiot, but don't tell me what I'm allowed to wear as if I'm a child.

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  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
    • Flag
    #1 I’ve never heard it called a “body count” before 😂 FH and I have never had a discussion where we specifically disclosed our numbers, but like others have said, our past relationships/partners/experiences have come up in conversation before. Neither of us are jealous or insecure people though, and we never get upset about each other‘s past. My motto is, if it happened before we started dating, it’s none of my concern. In the past, I’ve had girlfriends who have started small wars with their SO’s over their personal history! A lot of times, I think it really stems from a lack of self-confidence.


    #2 not once in our entire relationship has my fiancé ever told me to/not to wear some thing! (well, unless it was him telling me I should change shoes or bring a spare for the activity we were doing, or that I should put on/bring a coat because it was chilly out, etc.). If anything, I think my fiancé would love if I were to dress more sexy! Lol
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  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK ·
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    YES! My fiancé LOVES for me to look sexy. There's always a line between sexy and promiscuous, of course! But I know where that line falls for me and don't need to be told LOL.

    Could not agree more with the lack of confidence thing. The friends I've talked to have said "I need to know for my piece of mind." And I just don't understand. Unless his number is rising now, it's not my concern. I trust that number stopped at me.

    LOL I'm so embarrassed about where I heard "body count" from. If you listen to podcasts at all and don't mind totally vulgar, Call Her Daddy is HILARIOUS. They talked about this!

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  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    I’ve never heard of this podcast, but I will definitely check it out LOL
    • Reply
  • Grace
    Super February 2022
    Grace ·
    • Flag
    #1 - We talked about this within about a month of us dating. I am a weirdo and really don't care about my FH talking about his ex's. He is slightly older and dated a lot more than I did before we got together. Neither of us were surprised or upset when we talked about it. It DID bother me when his ex-girlfriend was texting him and cussing him out on the phone for saying he loved me when she asked (she dumped him, got mad he moved on a year later, then pulled out the "but I still love you" 🙄).


    #2- The only time one of us forbids the other from wearing something is when I steal my FH's socks and underwear that have so many holes they are falling apart and throw them away (we are talking "no heel, no toe, and he is getting blisters" kind of bad). He likes it when I dress up and feel my best and I feel the same way about him. I would never stay with someone who tried to control my choices like that, personally, but I don't judge others who are ok with that behavior from their partner.
    • Reply
  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag

    1. We started dating when we were 14, so we were each other's firsts and there was no discussion about this. But to answer the question, I do think it is a weird thing to discuss in depth. The only thing I feel like you need to know about your future spouse's past sex life is if you need to be concerned about STDs. Outside of that, no. I agree that it is a weird invasion of privacy (which I do firmly believe individuals should still have even if married!) and it is generally only setting someone up to get upset. Also, what difference does it make? That number won't somehow change just because you know it, nothing can be done about it, and it also doesn't change the person or their body, so it just doesn't make a lot of sense anyway.

    (For the record, I am specifically talking about sex partners in the above, not relationships.)

    2. My husband would prefer if I walked around in crop tops and cut-off jean shorts. I would say, if anything, I don't dress sexy enough for his taste - but no, he would absolutely never tell me what to wear and I would never tolerate not being "allowed" to wear something by my husband. He will be honest with me if something is unflattering, and he will tell me if he likes something. I also will directly ask for his opinion when it is an event "for him" such as this weekend, where we are going to a show that, quite frankly, he wants to show me off at. So I picked out 3-4 outfits and sent them to him to choose.

    • Reply
  • F
    Expert April 2022
    Fred ·
    • Flag

    Hello MK 😃,:

    ."Is this a normal discussion to have with your S.O?" NOOOOOOOOOOO.

    It's an awkward discussion to have with a S.O, seriously!

    I'm not sure why I would like to discuss exes with my partner , or why she would ask me questions about them to begin with. Body count or other things that are exes-related.

    If she ever asks (I'm **** % sure she won't but just in case) I will tell her the truth coz I have nothing to hide from her ... but I would be offended, to be honest.

    Her body count? I couldn't care less!

    As for the sexy outfits, I wouldn't say that I couldn't care less but ... I'm not jealous so I'm not concerned by this!

    She always asks me for my opinion but I basically let her wear what she wants, even though she has a say in my clothing ( like 90% of women who are in a live-in relationship , I guess 😃) because she has better taste in clothing than I do!


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  • M
    Expert April 2021
    Melody ·
    • Flag

    1. Like Ava, I had never heard it called that before! Oh gosh, I read it and all I could think for a solid minute was, "Wait, are you both assassins or something? Is this a Mr. and Mrs. Smith situation up in here?!" Oh man! Shock worn off.... I don't care about what happened before me, but FH did tell me what his was. I think it had something to do with the fact that I'm a virgin and will be so until we're married, which is always something I've been super upfront about. My guess is that he saw what he told me as trying to keep on the same level of honesty. If that makes sense? It wasn't an awkward conversation for us at all and there was no judgement on either side. I don't think this is generally a normal conversation to have, but it worked for us.

    2. If FH ever tried to legitimately tell me what I was or was not allowed to wear, I would laugh him right out the door. Like Eniale, if anything I don't dress sexy enough for his taste. He 100% of the time tells me I'm beautiful in whatever I'm wearing. It's kind of like me with wine pairings: I don't look at what wine specifically goes with what food for the most part. If I like the wine and I like the food, it's a good pairing to me. His qualifications are me and my comfort. If I'm the one wearing the clothes and I feel comfortable in them, then he thinks I look good. But yeah, he'd never tell me what to/not to wear and I wouldn't put up with that nonsense if he tried.

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  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    LOL at the first part! "Hold up what site am I on right now?! These people are crazy!"

    That's a scenario that it would make perfect sense to be upfront about that kind of thing. I think for him, he was probably being as honest with you as you were being with him! It wasn't like a "Tell me because I need to know every part of your past" or "I won't be with you if you're over this number". I think your situation totally makes sense! And like you said, if it works for you two, that's all that matters anyway!

    Dito with all of the last part, too!!

    • Reply
  • Heather
    Super November 2021
    Heather ·
    • Flag

    #1 This all depends. My FH and I do not care who we dated or were involved with prior to our relationship. We feel as if the past is the past. For my best friend and her husband, it's different. They are SO open to each other. But it's so cute because they really compliment each other. They don't hate each other for who they were with previously or what they did. They were just curious and wanted to know.. so, they talked it over and had an open conversation about it and that was it. No fighting.

    #2 My FH does not care what I wear. I don't wear anything too revealing anyways. But when I do dress up he always compliments on how beautiful I look.

    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    1. Body count only matters when figuring out if you are 'safe' (as in, tested and cleared for STIs), and if you are dealing with trauma - DH knows my whopping body count of 1 before him, because it was a relationship that took most of my 20s, nearly killed me as I got out of it, and still sometimes rears it's ugly head, trauma-wise. I know his because (oh so staggering 2 before me), because he likes to reciprocate in openness, and also... he's younger than me by far, and he had not had a truly LONG relationship before me, so he got anxious.

    2. If DH ever told me what I could or could not wear (and it was not safety/cleanliness/doesn't fit/torn in a really bad spot related), he would find his butt back at his parents' place SO FAST. Like, absolutely express opinions on if you like that shirt or not (he's got some I love, and some I can't wait until they fall apart...), but *dictating what I put on my own body*? Hi, that's controlling and abusive.

    • Reply
  • I
    Dedicated August 2024
    Ivory ·
    • Flag

    1. First off, I thought you meant something VERY different when you said body count at first and I was SO confused/concerned! Smiley laugh

    To answer your question though, body count was something he actually brought up on our first date. For context, we met through a mutual friend at a party a year prior and the world faded into background noise as soon as we locked eyes. He came up to talk to me and there was this instantaneous connection I've never experienced with anyone else like I already knew him even though we just met. We flirted throughout the party, and realized pretty quickly we had the same interests and all the same values. There was just one problem: I already had a boyfriend I was sure was the one. So he gave me his number and told me to give him a call if we ever split, and I kept it but didn't call, because deep down I knew if I did, I would leave my current boyfriend then and there. Flash forward a year later and I gave him a call after realizing my ex wasn't making me happy anymore, and now that we were both single, we went on our first date. It was flawless. Near the end, he asked me if I was waiting until marriage, and he breathed a HUGE sigh of relief when he heard I wasn't. Waiting for marriage was a dealbreaker for him; he didn't care one bit whether or not I was a virgin, he just needed to know he wouldn't have to wait until marriage to lose his virginity.

    For me, I wouldn't have been upset if he wasn't a virgin, but I'd have wanted to know his body count so we could decide as a couple whether or not it would best for us to use a condom each time we make love (I'm on the pill so birth control wasn't an issue). I am really paranoid about STDs (not to be confused with the wedding kind!) so having a conversation about making sure neither of us could transmit any was important to me, and body count plays a part in that. I would NEVER have rejected him for body count or vice versa, but I would have needed to know in order to feel comfortable making informed decisions about our sex life.

    • Reply
  • I
    Dedicated August 2024
    Ivory ·
    • Flag

    2. No, FH would NEVER tell me what to wear or not to wear, and I would never dream of telling him I wouldn't "let" him do something. That's controlling and that's not healthy.

    Although, when I told FH I didn't want to wear a traditional wedding dress, he immediately started suggesting all sorts of dresses that would be more appropriate for a club than a wedding, because he really wanted to see my legs and cleavage on our wedding day! I told him I appreciated that but that whatever dress I choose I want it to be one I feel like a princess in, and that probably means a ballgown, lol. He understood and has gotten really excited looking at non-wedding ballgowns with me now!

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