Cj
Dedicated October 2021

Thorny situation would love to have some perspectives

Cj, on March 30, 2021 at 10:41 PM Posted in Parties and Events 0 20
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Hi ladies - would love to have some perspectives. My wedding is in October and one of my best friends is offering to plan my bachelorette. I am extremely grateful of her as I'd imagine it's not the easiest thing to do during covid. My one dilemma is that she'd like to plan it for July (the early the better) since she wants to start trying to get pregnant in August and she didn't really want to drink once she starts. However, I'd have ideally liked to have the Bachelorette at end of August /early September since it will be closer to my wedding and it will be safer as more vaccination will have taken place, not to mention potentially looser restrictions. I'm not sure what to think or do. On one hand I feel that my good friend wanting to have a child is more important than a Bachelorette but on the other hand, I'm also not sure if the anticipation of trying, not necessarily anything for certain, is an entirely fair reason to disregard planning for August or September...

20 Comments

Latest activity by Ivory, on April 11, 2021 at 6:03 PM
  • Stephanie
    Dedicated April 2021
    Stephanie ·
    • Flag
    It is your wedding and your bachelorette party. While it's nice for her to plan it, ultimately you should have final say on approved destinations and times. She shouldnt be making your bachelorette fit around her life. Best of luck!
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Is her wanting to drink/ not drink the only reason for wanting July rather than October? Drinking is not a required element of a bachelorette. Bach parties, as a token last time out as a single gal, usually are in the last 2-6 weeks. Has she asked about dates with others?
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  • Cj
    Dedicated October 2021
    Cj ·
    • Flag
    Thanks for seeing my point! This does make me feel like I don't really have much input into my own bachelorette timeline. But I don't know if there is a way to manage this without sounding like I care more about my bachelorette than her and her husband trying to get pregnant..
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag

    Keep in mind that many brides don't have any bachelorette festivities. There is no law that says it must be a weekend overnight at minimum either, nor is alcohol a requirement. Let whomever chooses to host the party decide, as they do with a shower. But in most circles they are the night before the wedding up to 2 weeks prior.

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  • Cj
    Dedicated October 2021
    Cj ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Yeah that was the reason she's given me. She had asked others but I think she only proposed July to the group..
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  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
    • Flag

    I don't think that this is a good enough reason to push back the bachelorette. It can take a long time to get pregnant--I've personally been trying for over a year now. If she is one of those lucky ones who falls pregnant on her first try, then she can easily forgo alcohol at your bachelorette. If she doesn't fall pregnant right away, then depending on the timing of her cycle, she might not even have to forgo alcohol at all. Either way, the timing of a bachelorette party should not be dictated by one person potentially having to forgo alcohol.

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  • Cj
    Dedicated October 2021
    Cj ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Wow I think I'd be look at three months out with the current way things are going because even the first week of August would be over two months prior
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  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
    • Flag
    All I can give is my personal outlook... and personally, if I were in your situation, I would 100% go with the July date that worked for my MOH. I would be honored that she was thinking ahead and wanted to spend one of her last carefree party nights celebrating me! And as one of my best friends, I would absolutely want her to be able to let loose and have fun at my bachelorette. I certainly would not want the person planning (and I am assuming contributing financially to) my party, not be able to fully enjoy it. I would just be grateful that I had a MOH that was kind enough to plan a bachelorette party (because there are sooooo many brides on this forum who complain that their MOHs don’t). I would feel incredibly spoiled and ungrateful if I forced my best friend to change the date of the bachelorette she organized, knowing that she literally planned it around a huge life moment, all so she could have a fun night with me.
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    1. Bach parties don't have to be about drinking.

    2. Drinking in the first weeks of pregnancy will not do a THING to the pregnancy. (I don't even drink, and I've read up on this.) The embryo is WAY too small to be affected by that.

    3. Um, it usually takes more than one month to get pregnant. Also, the first two weeks you are "trying" ... you are not pregnant. We count pregnancy from the first day of the last period, which means we count two whole "empty" weeks.

    4. The US is unusually draconian in the ban on drinking during pregnancy. In Europe, it's entirely normal for a pregnant person to have a few glasses of wine a week, and *nothing happens to the baby*.

    5. It's your bach, you set the dates that you are comfortable with.

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  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    This is how I feel too. I think women need to stop asking other people to plan their lives around *potential* pregnancies. I've seen a few posts about it now. The chances she gets pregnany immediately are low, and if she doesn't want to drink when TTC, that's her issue.
    • Reply
  • Biaani
    Expert May 2021
    Biaani ·
    • Flag

    Hi CJ! it's very nice of your friend to plan your bachelorette. However everything about this day and outing should really revolve around you. not in a selfish way but it's ultimately you're the bride lol. I would talk to her and say "I really appreciate what you're doing, however I'd really like to have it in September. I totally understand if that's not doable for you and I'll take care of the planning." something like that.

    • Reply
  • Cj
    Dedicated October 2021
    Cj ·
    • Flag
    Thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful responses. It's helpful to see that I wasn't being completely unreasonable feeling the way I did. To another point above, I could also see her wanting to have a last hurrah through the Bachelorette which I'm incredibly grateful of her planning and do want her there since she is in the wedding party. At this point, I know that an email has been sent out only asking about July to a group of girls and I'm debating its worth interfering, reach out to a few friends directly, or just let the cards unfold and see what the majority of response is at this point.


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  • S
    Expert November 2021
    Sara ·
    • Flag

    I agree with most of the other PPs. If she were already pregnant and wanted to have the bachelorette during her second as opposed to third trimester, that would be reasonable. But to plan her MOH's bachelorette due to "potentially" being pregnant, let alone only one month pregnant? That's completely nuts and very selfish of her. Not many women end up getting pregnant during the first month of trying anyway. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her point blank that you want to have the bachelorette party later either in late August or early September. For the record, I've attended multiple bachelorette parties both planned and hosted by pregnant MOHs. You don't need to drink to have fun at a bachelorette. Plus, the bachelorette is not about her, it's about YOU. She is being unreasonable. If she wants a 'last hurrah' before trying to get pregnant, she can do that on her own.

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  • Allie
    Super November 2021
    Allie ·
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    YESSSS! All of this.

    While it's nice of her to want to plan something for you, you should be able to have it when you want to. Don't get me wrong, you should try to pick a day that works for the people who are important to have there, but just because she wants to start trying to have a baby in August doesn't mean she'll actually conceive in August and even if she does, there's plenty of things that can be done without drinking into oblivion. My best friend would have a glass of wine here and there during her pregnancy and did it safely with her doctor's recommendations. But she won't even be at that point yet by August, possibly not even by September if she DID conceive in August. So I say you have it when you want to and explain to her that you can still have fun without having to drink.

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  • W
    Super September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    She's the one planning and paying for this. She should be able to enjoy herself, and have a date that is convenient to her (as well as you and the other guests). If she's not available or willing to host in August or September, then she's not available. Someone else hosts or you don't get a party.


    When someone offers to buy you lunch in their own neighborhood, you don't ask them to take you out in your own neighborhood instead.
    Your concerns about covid are valid. Because of covid, your MoH should probably not be planning anything complicated this early anyway. I'd ask her to hold off on planning for now to see how covid turns out
    • Reply
  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK ·
    • Flag

    I can see a lot of other posters views and points on this!

    I'm kind of dealing with a similar issue. A few of my bridesmaids have recently found out they were pregnant, and I have willingly and happily sacrificed some of my wants in order to accommodate theirs. ex: my shower dates and bachelorette plans. Part of me really regrets it - only because my getting married is still significant and my wants are still valid. Although different, their life event isn't more/less important or celebration worthy than mine.

    The main reason I think of it like this is because your MOH isn't even pregnant, or even trying to be, right now. It would be silly to work around her maybe falling pregnant. If she were pregnant now, and still willing to plan and pay for these things, I would definitely say you needed to tend to her a little.

    If I were you, I would politely tell her that you're kind of set on a later Bach date, and you can even explain your 'whys' to her so she better understands!

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  • Kristen
    Devoted October 2021
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    Your friend can still plan your bachelorette party without drinking. I echo what someone else said in that this is your wedding and therefore your party, so you get the final say in what goes. I’m having my BP three weeks before my wedding (also in October - the 23rd!), and that’s the absolute farthest out I was willing to go. All of my bridesmaids understood that. Has she asked you what you’d like to do for your party? Has she also enlisted help from anybody else? Both of those will help everyone in the long run. You’ll get the party that YOU want, and she can find a way to still oversee things without compromising her fertility plans.
    • Reply
  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
    • Flag

    No bride-to-be is owed a bachelorette party. Having someone throw you a bachelorette is a privilege. Planning one requires considerable effort, time, and money. You can 1) accept your friend's offer to throw your event for you along with the terms that work for her, 2) decline her offer and hope someone else will step up and do it in the timeframe you prefer instead (but consider that you may just have to forgo the party or plan your own if no one else does), or 3) compromise on date or activities. Maybe you have it in August or September but focus on non-drinking activities. Maybe you have it earlier and drink, but keep the group smaller and "stay in" knowing that the Covid risk will be higher and still some restrictions or safety precautions in place.

    I get that you are the bride, and its a party that should reflect your wants, but when other people are the ones spending money and time and energy and effort, some flexibility is required. It's fine to say, "this is what I would like so if we are going to do something let's please do it this way" but at the same time you cannot demand that someone do something for you in a specific way when they aren't even obligated or required to do anything at all for you in the first place.
    I think its completely fair for your friend to not arrange her baby making timeline around you and not want to spend a significant amount of time and energy on planning something she can't enjoy or partake in fully. If your friend is set on the timeline being July and drinking being involved, then you can choose whether that works for you and graciously accept it, or decide its not really what you want and decline, knowing that you risk no one else stepping up to plan which would result in you either not having a bachelorette or having to plan your own event.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
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    It has always been up to tbe hostess or hostesses to pick a few possible date s good for them, and ask the d
    bride to chose among them. Be aware that if you push for a party when you want it, not when it is offered as convenient or doable by the hostess, you may end up with no party at all. And she would have everyone's sympathy, not yours. You have not given any important reason for not accepting it when offered except " not what I want. " She has good reason, and she is giving the gift which makes it her choice.
    • Reply
  • Ivory
    Dedicated August 2024
    Ivory ·
    • Flag

    Everyone's health and safety should be the priority, imo. If y'all think later would be safer as more people will be vaccinated, I think you should express that to her.

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