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Beginner August 2023

Thinking of replacing my out of town Bm's

Evergreen, on June 6, 2023 at 11:53 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 16

Hi all,

I am feeling pretty bummed out. 3 of my bridesmaids live out of town and one already dropped out after alot of wishy washyness. She originally had said several times she 100% would be there and was excited, but then when it came down to actually booking flights, ordering the dress, etc it turned out to be a no 3 months before the wedding due to finances, kids, too busy. I understand her not being able to come but stringing me along for months upset me. I wish she would have told me no from the beginning.

I have 2 other bridesmaids who live out of town and were invited to my bach party. One bridesmaid has changed her mind 4 times now. Originally said yes, then no because her mother in law was going to be in town, then yes again, now its no again because she is too stressed and has not been sleeping well.

The other bridesmaid was a yes since we started planning in the fall last year, then was acting wishy washy - had not booked flights,etc - and now finally told me she is not coming after I reached out to HER to make sure she was still in. She said too expensive and bach location wasn't her scene anyways.

I know that they do not owe me anything and that people have other things going on, but the fact that they have strung me along for months and make comments about being stressed/have other things going on is what's hurtful. I have not for one second felt celebrated by them but instead feel like a burden/annoyance.

My question is, should i have my 2 brothers stand in for my 2 other bridesmaids who live out of town? At this point, I am not confident they will show up to my wedding at all and dont want to wait until the last minute to find out. I don't want to be petty, but I am thinking about texting both of them to say don't worry about bridesmaid duties anymore as I know they are busy and the trip is alot to ask, but if they can still attend I would love to have them there.

Thoughts?

16 Comments

Latest activity by Jacks, on June 7, 2023 at 11:38 AM
  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    What? You mean your brothers at the wedding to replace the other 2? You're thinking of kicking your remaining 2 BM's out because they can't attend your (expensive) bachelorette? I think that would be a friendship ending decision if it were me being kicked out.

    Sounds like your expectations need a bit of a reassessment. Pre-wedding events are optional only, and when you plan a destination bachelorette you take the risk that people can't make it. It sucks that they strung you along but maybe they were hopeful to make it or were worried about telling you for some reason.

    I would focus on the happy event ahead and be grateful for the people there to support you!

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  • C
    CM ·
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    I completely agree with all of this, OP.

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  • E
    Beginner August 2023
    Evergreen ·
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    Again, its not that they can't go. Its the dragging me and my MOH along for months part that i felt was inconsiderate. I was understanding and still am, but the part that gets me is my BM who said it was too expensive and not her scene had just that morning told my MOH that she was coming. So my MOH got her a ticket to a show she wants us all to go to - $150. Then it was only a few hours later she asked me if it was a big deal if she didnt come. My MOH text her to still pay for the ticket and has not received a response back, so I told her I would cover that cost if she wont and the ticket will go unused. To me its just a blatant disregard for other people's time spent planning and money.

    Also, if they end up not being able to come to the wedding after all, I will be responsible for covering a portion of hair and makeup that they said they wanted done.

    I think my point is more so that I feel at this point it's likely they will not be able to come to the wedding at all, again which is fine. But I do not want to be left scrambling at the last minute and be out more money on their hair and makeup.

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  • LM
    Expert December 2022
    LM ·
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    Costs of flying in twice + activities + wedding attire are a financial burden for anyone. Just because they couldn't make it to your bachelorette party, does not mean they would ditch your wedding. If your best friends do show up, you can have an outing the day before like getting nails done or having lunch together as your bach party. They were annoyingly disorganized and haphazard, but is that friendship ending? Though you gave them a year's notice, they still can't fit your expensive expectations which were inconsiderate to start.

    Maybe your FMIL or any other relatives can take their place for hair and makeup.

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  • E
    Beginner August 2023
    Evergreen ·
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    I understand the financial burden and was not expecting them or anyone to come in the first place besides my MOH and I as it was our idea. It turned into 4 of us going and then i extended the invite to the 2 others and specified that I did not expect anything but wanted to extend the invite so that nobody felt left out. To my surprise, they insisted they would be there.

    I am also not wanting to end the friendship and I did not get upset until my MOH confirmed plans/tickets, etc, with her, purchased them for her, and now we are stuck covering the cost as she decided shortly after that that the cost was too high for her and she wasn't into it after all.

    My FMIL unfortunately left my fiance and his siblings when they were young and the relationship is now strained. She is invited and we are hopeful she can come, but she also has mental/physical health issues so she has let us know it is up in the air. But that is besides the point. I am more than flexible and considerate of other peoples time and money, but it needs to go both ways. I would also be understanding if they cannot come at all, just dont want to find out about it at the last minute.

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  • E
    Beginner August 2023
    Evergreen ·
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    I also find it beyond ironic that according to you, I am inconsiderate for including them on my bachelorette due to cost yet your solution is to ask them to come early the week of my wedding and ask them to spend a bunch of money at that time instead. Some might argue that missing an extra day of work to do that would make your suggestion more expensive as opposed to a saturday-sunday invite for a girls trip.

    Also, i can't imagine asking any friend or extended family member to be a back up to get their hair and makeup done in case someone backs out of theirs. I would have no timeline to give them and they would just have to be on call and be ready for either scenario so that financially it does not affect me or the original person either way? Also, it is implied that whoever I ask I do not think of them enough to join in that morning with everyone on hair and makeup, they are just a clear option B. No thanks. IMO your suggestions are far more inconsiderate.

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  • E
    Beginner August 2023
    Evergreen ·
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    I have to disagree. I am not kicking them out, I would be telling them that I would still love to have them, but if this is all too much to be a BM as opposed to a guest I understand. And yes, I am sure they were hopeful they could come, but at a certain point they are adults and are capable of making a decision based on their life circumstances, and in a timely manner so that other people can meet deadlines and plan accordingly.

    I want to be able to enjoy my day stress free (if that exists), rather than sit and wonder up until that very day if they will actually be able to make it or not. I think that is a fair ask.

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  • LM
    Expert December 2022
    LM ·
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    It sucks you can't depend on your own BMs to show up. I don't have experience with that, but there are many posts on WW. And you're right, they probably won't show.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    Rather than the misconception that planning so far out gives people plenty of time to save and plan, the opposite is often true. It's only when you are much closer to a date that most people can or should be expected to give an accurate reply. Ability to attend can be affected not only by one's own schedule or conflicts but a partner's or child's needs, too.

    IMO, bachelorettes should go back to being what they once were, a fun night out with local friends. Unfortunately, people too often feel pressured into agreeing to over the top, out of town, multi-day trips because it's meant to be a one time special occasion in honor of a close friend. IMO the real fault is in the plans themselves. Destination bachelorettes are all too often a burden.

    Also, as co-hosts who are expected to split all costs, everyone involved need to not only be let in on the plans but polled and consulted ahead of time as to budgets and vision. The friend who told you the location was never her scene either felt she could not speak honestly, or the whole thing was imposed on her.

    I don't think it's fair to conflate any of this with the idea they won't show up at your wedding. Also why in the world did you not have them buy their own airline tickets?

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  • E
    Beginner August 2023
    Evergreen ·
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    No, their airline tickets were not bought by anyone else. They would have been responsible for their own, but they never booked them. Now I know why. I get the same vibes from them about the wedding as i did about the bach. Nothing booked or set in stone on their part to actually be at the wedding.

    Be an adult, be assertive, give an answer and try to stick to it (although obvi I know life happens and things come up). Don't entertain me while you sit back and wait for a good enough excuse to back out.

    I didn't want a shower or a bachelorette for this reason, but I got talked into a bach. I am excited for it and of course the wedding day. And the people who can come will be there and it will be a great day! I just hate it when it feels like people are playing games. I don't have the energy for it.

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  • E
    Beginner August 2023
    Evergreen ·
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    The ticket was a ticket to a show we are going to while on the trip. $150

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  • E
    Beginner August 2023
    Evergreen ·
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    Lesson learned about planning things to early!

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Sounds like you're entrenched in your own perspective on this. As long as you're OK with ending the friendships with the BM's, go ahead and kick them out of the wedding party.

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  • LM
    Expert December 2022
    LM ·
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    EXACTLY. Evergreen is not on WW anymore. But wait until she realizes kicking them out makes them not want to be friends with her, no matter how much she says she wants to keep friendships. And then she has to reimburse them for any dresses she bought. Defeats her purpose of saving money.

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    CM ·
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    Same thing really. I would not purchase anyone else’s tickets unless they paid up front.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    HOPEFULLY she reimburses them! Yeah, we tried to help her.

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