The stress of planning is finally getting to me...

So sorry to hear you are going through all of this and for the loss of you other friend, no matter how long ago it was. Is it possible she is just terrified to make the trip and doesn’t want to say that? I know she mentioned being anxious but maybe she just can’t bring herself to do it which I would understand due to her past. Although that would not make it better for you, it’s a reason that I would understand.

She gave you very valid reasons: she feels that we are not close like we used to be and her daughter is about to turn 2 and I have yet to meet her, the drive is making her anxiety elevated


It sucks to have lost other bridal party members but this one out of them all deserves a break.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. I get the hurt feelings but you should give her a break. Maybe after the wedding you guys can meet up and have a long chat to get back on the same page.

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Thank you for you thoughts and input.

I do have a feeling that could be the issue and it would make her feel more as a burden for others because if she didn't drive and having to ride with someone. She doesn't drive on highways due to the wreck and it involved them being hit by a tractor trailer, so I understand, I was just rather taken aback by her willingness to want to just drop out of the wedding completely.

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She said that we aren't as close as we use to be because she thought I was closer and hanging out with the other girls instead of her, which I'm not. Then with her daughter I feel I could say the same for her when my son is about to turn 9 years old later this year, but I didn't want to seem petty and make it a tit-for-tat situation.

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She and I did more talking after the initial text last night and she said that she is feeling a bit better about the situation, I just hope that we will continue to talk not only about things involving this situation but just in general. I am hoping she has a little more understanding as to the limited amount of "free" time I actually do have, because it's not as if I don't want to talk and see her.

I'm sorry this sucks. I've lost a few people along the way too. And while yes it seems she has valid reasons I think people are being unfair by saying you need to give her a break. Because it sounds like you already are. You're not like mad at her you're just hurt and rightfully so. Id be hurt too. I had a friend drop out after I offered to pay for everything for her too and even though she's not obligated to be in my wedding or even attend it just hurt! I'm not mad at her necessarily I'm just very hurt and not willing to continue the relationship for that and a lot of other reasons. And that's ok. Basically I just wanna say your feelings are valid and I'm sorry.

View Quoted Comment It sounds like you aren’t as close as you used to be, another legitimate reason. And it’s telling that she hasn’t met your 9 year old son - it kind of proves her point more. It really sounds like she was trying to do the respectful thing because she wasn’t comfortable participating. It sounds like the friendship has drifted quite a bit and you may be at different points. It doesn’t have to make anyone “bad” just people grow apart.

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I really appreciate this and you are so right that I am not mad at her, it is more the fact of being hurt and upset than anything.
I am sorry you have experienced these feelings through the same/similar situation, it's sad for things like this to happen. Especially when it gets to a point that a friendship is lost over it.

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You are right, over time people/friends can and do grow apart.
Life has taken us through different journeys and paths in which we eventually become slightly different people than what we use to be. So I guess in due time it will say whether our friendship will continue or if it would best for us to go separate ways.

View Quoted Comment It also doesn’t have to be that cut and dry. You can still be friends and care for someone but not see/talk to them. It’s naturally going to be a different relationship than when you were teenagers - it should! Ideally that’d mean growing together but it doesn’t always happen that way. Then throw covid into the mix, everyone has had so much change recently. I hope it all works out.

It sounds like this wedding isn't turning out the way you thought for a number of reasons. It doesn't mean it can't be beautiful and everything you need. Letting go a bit of the outcome might help you deal with these bumps in the path. At the end of the day you'll be married and that is awesome.

For your friend that was uncomfortable with the dress, that is understandable I think. Is there any way she could have a different or modified version?

I'm sorry you lost your MOH. Is there any way you can repair the relationship with your sister? Was the fight about the wedding?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am planning a wedding right now and had my sister-in-law drop out as a bridesmaid. Thankfully, it was early enough in the process that we were able to readjust without a lot of hassle. You mentioned that you've already had a conversation with her, so I would encourage you to continue that conversation and try to empathize with her feelings, but also know that it's ok to share your own feelings with her as well. It doesn't have to be "tit-for-tat" but just mention that you were surprised to hear that she feels that way.

It might also sound weird, but I am a big proponent of discussing one's "love languages" (usually only discussed in terms of a romantic relationship, but I have found it to be INCREDIBLY insightful for friendships as well). It sounds like one of your love languages here might be "gift giving," demonstrated by your generosity with paying for all the things she would need to participate in the wedding, while her love language might be "quality time." Typically, we perceive and show affection in one or two primary "love languages," so it might just be a disconnect in how you show your love, vs how she perceives it.

Sorry for rambling! I hope you are able to work through things with her, and either way, you are going to have a beautiful wedding!

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We have continued discussing about things, and she has decided to stay in as a bridesmaid. We have decided that we will be getting our manicures and pedicures together for the wedding. We have also tried to link up our schedules in order to spend time together but have been unable to make our schedules mesh currently. So still a work in progress.
Honestly I did not and have not thought about it the way you have mentioned, as this would make a lot of sense as to why she may feel the way she did about things.

Thank you so much for pointing this out and mentioning it, as it brought something(s) to light that I probably would have never thought about.

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Yes you are right, as that is how I have been feeling for awhile.

I am trying to keep that mindset as the day will go on and be such a great and beautiful day.

She did find another dress, that is shorter and almost the same color, but didn't feel comfortable to wear it sitting down and pushing herself in her wheelchair as she was afraid a "peek-a-boo" situation might happen, which I understood.

When it came to the situation with my sister, I let it be known to all the girls that I will be covering the costs for all of them to get their hair and makeup done for the day of. Well months ago my sister decided to cut off pretty much all her hair and then decide to play it as joke on me, when of course she had actually done so. We let some time pass after it happened, giving each other space, but now we have started to talk and work through it.

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Ok well, couple things.

If you're requiring H & M for your wedding, you need to be covering the costs. The attendants only are responsible for their attire. If you are requiring anything special, ie shoes, jewellery, or H & M that's on you to pay for. If you're requiring mani/pedi's that's also on you to pay.

Secondly, you do know that people have a right to change their hair and general appearance as they see fit, right? Being in your wedding does not remove their bodily autonomy. Your sister's haircut is her business.

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Am I requiring hair and makeup for my wedding, yes I am, and as I previously mentioned in my response "I let it be known to all the girls that I will be covering the costs for all of them to get their hair and makeup done for the day of".

Yes I do know and I am aware that people have that right to do so, as I plan on doing so after my wedding is done. But for her to joke about the fact that she chopped her hair off and I am paying for the service of getting her hair done and whether or not the hair stylist will be able to, as she said, "you think they will be able to do anything with this", I find/found that to be stepping over the line and rather disrespectful. Especially her knowing full well that a couple of the other girls had mentioned, openly to the rest of the group, that they might change up theirs but wanted to mention it to me first.

It is sad that it happened at all but it is in the past and I/we are moving forward. She may not be in the wedding party like I originally wanted yet she is coming as a guest of course.

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I misread your post and thought you were requiring them to pay for the services. My apologies!

I'm still not sure why you're mad that she cut her hair. She does have the right to do that. The other girls don't need your approval to change their hair at all.

I'm glad you're moving forward.