The hardest decision...

While my FH and his family are not like this, I had dealt with prejudice in my past relationships. I'm half Filipino, living in Georgia, and the majority of men in my area are deeply rooted in their southern traditions and way of life. I was even told by one family member that she didn't think I could love her grandson like a white girl could...complete shocker and eye opener. Again, my FH and his family are AMAZING and DO NOT treat me any differently because of my cultural background. I feel for you both and understand this is really difficult to work through.

That being said, I don't think hiding your engagement or eloping and not telling anyone helps the situation. If anything, your family will view it negatively and cause more hurt to you both. If it was me in this situation, and I didn't want a big wedding, I would let my family know that we're engaged and having a quiet, intimate ceremony with just us. If they want to show support, then wonderful...if not, then that shows more about their character and virtues.

If you're at an age where you can move out and support yourself without their help, then you both ultimately need to do what is right for you both. Yes, we all would love to have a happy relationship with our family and SOs, but sometimes that isn't a possibility. I hope that you and your family can recover from this fallout, but if not, I hope that you and your FH find happiness with whatever you decide!

Really having an elopement vs a white wedding has nothing to do with familiar relationships rather the couple. It ultimately depends on what you two would not regret. Many couples just go to the courthouse and are fine with it because they do not want a big wedding and many have the large huge wedding. Weddings are not about the expectations of others. I had a wedding with my big brother and two of our good friends because my husband does not like a lot of attention and has social anxiety. I know my FIL was disappointed at our decision but understood it. In fact my friends and families I told understood our decision. The question is more would you and/or your husband regret not having a full wedding?

Your family are racist and have not accepted your relationship with your fiancé on such grounds regardless of the fact that you have decided to marry him and obviously can’t see your life without him. Your wedding is one of the biggest milestones of your life and it should not be shrouded in discomfort and unease because of your parents’ disapproval and fiancé’s equal animosity.

In my opinion, this is more than just the actual wedding itself. Your parents need to either wholly accept your fiancé and your relationship and work towards making amends, or they need to be cut out of your lives until such time as they do so. It sounds harsh but when it comes to disapproval for these type of reasons, it isn’t something you just live with, and the last thing you need is for your relationship to be affected by your parents’ toxic racism. I don’t think that having your family at the wedding is going to in itself heal any wounds particularly if they have no intention of making amends and choose to attend the wedding just because you’re their daughter. Maybe I’m being a bit petty here (and I am very against eloping at the best of times) but I would elope – you don’t owe it to include them in a wedding for a couple whose relationship they’ve never supported.

In your situation, I'd say elope. Make the day about you and your fiance and no one else, and leave the families behind.

Honestly I think a lot of couples do too much bending to accomodate the needs and wants of other people when planning their wedding day, even when the relationships with both families are great. We had a Covid elopement with just our parents and a few close friends, and my husbands parents wouldn't even hug us (fear of Covid) and my mom was just needy and super stressful to be around (she means well, but we had to do a lot of taking care of her instead of focusing on us), so it was honestly super disappointing. I wish we had just eloped without them and done something truly special and unique and not tried to make it a super small version of a "wedding" so they could attend.