The 80:20 Rule

Luckily I don’t believe everything the experts say. I base my relationship on my fiancé and myself. There are things in my fiancé that annoys the crap out of me but my love for him outweighs it all. And I’m sure there are things about me that annoys him. Always remember no one is perfect.

View Quoted Comment Keeping in mind that no one is perfect is crucial in maintaining your own relationship.

No one is perfect. That's not saying we are settling for someone but it's saying hey you're the one for me.

That's a pretty interesting study. I mean cheating is cause the person themselves lack something. They feel their missing out. Remember not all cheating is physical. A lot of it is emotional. Emltionals ones are tricky but can hurt a lot. I mean knowing your partner started to have feelings for this person is painful. Physical is just "get it on" and that's it. Like the guy who was sexually frustrated and wanted some. I got to read more into this study. Its actually a pretty interesting study.

As a counselor, I will advise anyone that is a bad idea to make any impactful life decision, especially a relationship one, based on what others want or "make you feel". I hate when I hear people say things like "s/he completes me". You are not an unfinished product by yourself and if you do not feel whole and capable by yourself than you need to work on that on a personal level before you can really know if you love another person genuinely or are just flattered by how they treat you. You also cannot expect another person to support you in every way you desire or vice versa. You cannot expect a person to fulfill all of your needs. You should be able to uphold yourself at all times. It's not "she didn't meet x need I feel I have" or "he doesn't do y thing I wish he would do". We take some of these psychological weak point and instead of helping ourselves we look for someone to fix it for us. This is unrealistic, as only you can fix yourself. When you say things like that you are trying to make them fill psychological insecurities when you really need them to just support you in your effort to fix them yourself. Your partner should therefore be just that a partner, a friend, someone who will tackle hard situations with you (not for you) and accepts you in all healthy pursuits you do. Someone who you view, and views you with unconditional positive regard. This does not mean that you won't make each other mad at times but you still love them at the end of the day. Together you create a place of love and security that you both grow and tackle the world together from.

Ever since we started dating, my fiance told me that love is a choice more than a feeling so we go based on that: sometimes we have hard times but in the end, we love each other a lot and want to be together

View Quoted Comment Agree with this 100%. My FH and I aren’t getting married because we meet each other’s needs. We are partners and want to face everything life throws at us together. He’s the first person I want to tell all my good news, and I know he will be there to stand by my side when things don’t go as planned. Obviously we are human and both have needs and desires, but to me it comes down to communicating those things with your partner.

I agree Somewhat with this. What I have learned over this last year is that the ratio changes. Depending on life events sometimes you’re 90/10 sometimes you’re 60/40. So the rule isn’t much to live on in my experience. People change all the time and you not the person you married will always be the same. You just have to work through the changes together.

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Finding someone who has at least 80% of what you want is amazing! I would never leave that for someone who can fill 20%. No one is perfect but my husband is perfect for me.

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Please post anything you find about this study so everyone can be more informed.

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Thank you for providing your professional expertise.

That's not exactly what the 80/20 rule for relationships posits (as opposed to the 80/20 business principle). It's basically that in a healthy relationship you only get about 80% of what you want. The issue isn't that if the other 20% isn't met it can lead to infidelity - the other 20% isn't going to be met, regardless. The issue is if you become obsessed with searching for the other 20%, and you externalize internal problems and think that they will be solved by finding someone who fits into that 20%.

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I have a discussion about what love really means and I found that it means someone different to everyone.

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I agree that to get what you want you have to communicate that to your partner.

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I agree that the ratio is always changing.

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As you mentioned, if you become obsessed with searching for the 20% that can lead to infidelity.