Thank Yous at the Wedding: Tacky?

A thank you note is written for receiving a gift or a service, NOT from hosts to guests for attending the wedding. You tell people, in person at the wedding, how nice to see you, thank you all for coming. But, formally, ordinarily, it is the guest who attends a party or event who thanks the host. Or brings a little hostess gift. At weddings, because it is the tradition to bring a large, major gift ( the biggest gift a non-family member ever gives a friend), guests sending that before or after the wedding cancels out the guest's obligation to write a thank you note or bring a hostess gift. ( Technically, any guest who does not give a gift should write a thank you note to the wedding hosts, thanking them for inviting them to the beautiful ceremony, lovely party, wonderful food and good company in a delightful yada yada yada ... Standard thank you note.) As is, customary big gift and note with it is considered okay for wedding guests. Since you will only write notes for actual gifts, it is seen as crass or tacky not to individually write notes for gifts, specifically naming the gift , pink Art Deco vase, or money to help with a house down payment. And, because the choice of whether to give a gift and what gift to give is always, always up to the giver, no matter what you have suggested ---- any group thank you written in advance presumes if you came here, you brought us a gift. That, and not bothering to make the effort to thank each person, couple, or family individually, praising the virtues of their specific gift, are both seen as bad manners.
General etiquette: anything mass produced is seen as a lack of genuine caring or thoughtfulness. Write the notes, one at a time, thanking each person who gave a gift. Or a major service, from giving a party in your honor, like RD or a shower. Or other major things, like picking up 4 groups of guests at different times from airports, or hand addressing all your invitations for you ( gifts, unpaid.)

View Quoted Comment Thanks for your reply Judith! In this case there is only an option for gift or no gift and all gifts would be the same (a contribution to our bathroom remodel). Because this is the case, we would receive all gifts prior to the wedding (unless someone gives the gift late; there will not be cell reception so no option to do this at the venue). As well, almost all guests are coupled, so it would be 13 thank you boxes with their names custom engraved, assuming each guest does in fact give us a gift. I’d love to see other responses and think on it some more!

View Quoted Comment With so few, all may contribute. Then again, you may get 8 other gifts. Or many who give a physical gift, and money. What is bad manners is presuming that because you asked for that , people will do that. Or dealing with it while still at / ending the party. And wedding gifts are most properly given in the 3 months before the wedding, or 6 weeks after ( usually within a month of returning from the honeymoon.) So any up to the 2 weeks before the wedding, you should already have written thanks within 2 weeks of receiving it. We received only one check at our wedding. All others, properly, sent before or after. And no one who gave money did not give something else too, even if only honey or maple syrup or a CD.

Hi! Congrats! The thank you say the wedding may be traditionally “tacky”, but it’s your wedding with intimate guests. Would your guests appreciate such a gesture? Would they understand what it means? If it’s a yes, I say go for it! I think it’s a very cute and meaningful idea. Every wedding is different and a lot of weddings break from tradition, and that’s okay! If you would like to still remain a bit traditional, you can send simple thank you cards in the mail after the wedding as well where you explain what you plan to do with each individual gift and what it means to you.

We are giving everyone attending a "thank you" but that's just for attending not for any gifts. A traditional Thank you card is sent to the attendees for their gifts.

Here is an example of ours.

Essentially your thank you boxes are their favors based on what I read.

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To answer your question - to give thank you notes at the wedding, would be considered tacky, yes.

There are other options other than "gift or no gift." People may bring a physical check. People may bring an actual gift (despite you not having a registry). People may bring cash.

I would just call your boxes with soap favors, especially since you'll need to write actual thank you notes for gifts after the wedding.

A thank you should be personal, not the same generic thing for everyone. Just because you don't register for physical gifts, doesn't mean people won't give them. I would find this tacky.

I think your gut was right on this being a little bit tacky. The overall idea is nice, and I think the box and everything else you described is a very thoughtful way to thank your guests for coming, but you still need to send thank you notes to people who give you gifts/money.

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Agreed. Just call them favors and then send thank you cards to people who actually gave gifts.

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Agree with this.

View Quoted Comment Thanks everyone for your replies! I’ll skip the thank yous at the wedding though I sincerely HOPE no one brings anything (check or gift) to the actual wedding as we don’t want to manage moving and managing additional items and risk losing something like a card. I can totally see that at another wedding but our request is actually no gifts at all! (That’s worded on the invitation and above the cash fund links) we have the cash funds set up for those who really insist and two of the funds are donations to charities we support. It’s all immediate family and very close friends, really closer to an elopement as our grandparents won’t even be attending, so hopefully everyone understands our concerns and appreciates that this event is really for them and not us, as we did not want a wedding and COVID poses even more stress to the mix.