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Jessica
Expert October 2019

Thank you Notes

Jessica, on October 31, 2019 at 4:53 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 14
How in the world do you figure out WHO to send thank you notes to? I had people who said they were coming to my wedding, and did not come. So I can't use my RSVPs as my list...

I want to send thank you notes to more than just those who gave us a gift as the gifts certainly weren't necessary (I wrote all those down), I want to thank everyone who attended... but with not everyone signing the guest book, and not everyone who said they would attend attending, I'm struggling to get an accurate list of who all to send to! 馃様

14 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on November 3, 2019 at 3:26 PM
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn
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    The reception is your "thank you" to the guests who attended the wedding. A card really isn't a necessity. Unless you can specifically remember who didn't attend, I'm not sure there's any way to send a card to every single wedding guest.

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  • L
    Lady
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    Nope, just send TY's to those who sent gifts. IT's often interpreted as rude and passive/aggressive to send a note just for coming because you're expressly pointing out that they did not send a gift.

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD
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    Typically the cards you get & gifts help you send thank you notes since you know who gifted things to you that way.

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  • Jessica
    Expert October 2019
    Jessica
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    馃槼 Really? I wouldn't ever think of it that way, personally! I just wanted to thank them for coming as I know I didn't have the ability to get around to everyone at the reception to thank them for coming. And I definitely didn't expect people to give gifts, we just wanted their presence to celebrate with us! Things seemed to fly by so fast that day it was crazy!

    Thank you for the replies!
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  • Emily
    Expert September 2020
    Emily
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    Yea, when I read the one up there I was actually one that was like - yup that's probably what I would think. I've never gone to a wedding where I didn't buy a gift (or do a $$$ card), but I did have a time where due to shipping it came late. Like post-wedding late.

    They sent a thank you for coming, and I knew the gift was on it's way, and I was going "oh noooooo, they think I'm one of those that didn't give a giiiiiiift!" And then went back and forth on if I should text her or not and wondered if I was being crazy. Sooooo - may be better to do a more general thank you? Like FB post or if you do holiday cards just a "so thankful to everyone that came"?

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  • S
    Dedicated October 2019
    Shannon
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    I just went through my original invite list and deleted those I know did not come. I didn't realize until doing that who all had no-showed the day of. I did send thank yous to everyone who came. We only had about 130 so it wasn't hard for me to remember. We also did an impromptu receiving line, so we hugged every guest before they went in to cocktail hour.
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  • J
    Master October 2019
    Jolie
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    Did you have escort cards or some method of people bringing something to their seat with a seating chart? That is an easy way to see who didn't come for whatever was leftover. We had 3 no-shows but 2 of them we knew about ahead of time because my husband's cousin had surgery for her cancer and thought she could make it but her nurse thought it was best she not travel for it. The other missing person was someone's wife who just didn't show up and I thought that was annoying. It's like yeah we couldn't go to their wedding but that was within the RSVP time AND we still gave them money. She just no-showed, they gave us money but lost us money for her meal/drink. Whatevs.

    You can save yourself the time and money and just send a thank you to those who gave you a wedding gift. I changed my mind back and forth, but decided to just do for those who gave gifts!

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  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz
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    You're good just sending thank-you cards to people who brought gifts. As a PP mentioned, the reception is a thank you in itself for the guests!

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  • A
    Super August 2020
    Alex
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    You only need to send thank you notes for gifts.

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  • C
    Devoted September 2019
    Caitlyn
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    I agree with you about this -- for certain friends. For example, I had a local friend attend my wedding and she did not give a gift. Therefore, I did not send her a thank you card. I had three close friends fly across the country to attend my wedding and I did send them thank you cards expressing my gratitude for them taking the time to travel and for their continued friendship over the years.

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  • Carrie
    Devoted October 2020
    Carrie
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    Use your guest book all quest that come should have signed it. If you choose to send a thank you to those who didn't give a gift just say "thank you for joining us on our special day"

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  • J
    Just Said Yes February 2020
    Jessica
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    Only send a thankyou card to ones who gave a gift. Otherwise, it may make the ones who couldn't afford to get one feel a little embarrassed.
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  • Maria Maria
    Beginner November 2019
    Maria Maria
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    Maybe it's a cultural difference (I am not from the U.S.) but I also would like to send every guest who made the effort to show up at my wedding a thank you note, regardless of whether they gave a gift or not. Every single person who is coming to my wedding is traveling from out of state and in some cases from abroad to come. I want to acknowledge that and the implied thank you of the reception is not enough for me. Everyone is different, and situations vary. You do you, OP.

    I will say for me it's easy to know exactly who all will be there because we have 32 guests. In your case, Jessica, I would say check the guestbook and the gift list and then whoever you remember seeing there or see in pictures. If you miss anyone, at least you tried.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith
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    You only send thank you notes for gifts you are given. The guests thank you, for inviting them to your special occasion. Guests thank hosts. Hosts do not thank guests for anything but giving a gift or performing an important service. That is special occasion etiquette, not just weddings. Because many of your guests already gave you a very large gift, far more than a hostess gift, they do not also owe you a written thank you, just a verbal one. But anyone who comes to your party, eats, drinks, socializes, who did not give you a present, and will not be sending one after the wedding, owes you a thank you note . If you want to write to others who came, no gift, do it on other stationery, not a thank you note. The first letters of your married life. But it is backwards for you to send a " thank you for coming" thank you note for your guests. Any who did not already send you a card and gift, wait for them to have the good manners to write you a thank you. Not many do . . . . Something that people get wrong on WE, that is not and has not been etiquette any time for 100 years. ( Check old books.) The reception is an optional part of a wedding, part 2. It is NOT a thank you for coming to the ceremony. It has always been considered fine to invite only a very small group to a ceremony, then invite those people and a whole lot more to the reception part. Or when marrying far from some family or friends, to have a second reception, or the only one, far from where you married. Inviting those unable to travel, or not invited ( if you eloped) to a post wedding reception. Both of these things would be ridiculous if a reception were a thank you for coming to the ceremony, which in fact, they did not.

    It is like an urban myth, the WW persistent rumor, that hosts should thank guests ( other than for gifts) when the reverse is true . In all social settings, it is always the guest who owes thanks to the host. Standard etiquette.
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