Terrified of dancing

He can have his mother son dance without you doing one. A. The fact that he is giving an ultimatum of "do this thing or the wedding is off" is childish and not OK. You are partners, and compromise is important. B. There is literally no rule that it has to be both dances. And even if there was, you said yourself that you guys are doing everything nontraditional anyway. Honestly, if he is seriously ready to walk away from the wedding (and in my mind that reads walking away from the relationship) then you are probably dodging one big bullet.

View Quoted Comment I don't even know anymore. He finally offered to practice with me but I'm still not looking forward to it. He wants pictures of us dancing. He thinks I'm in control of the whole wedding because I use Facebook to search for local vendors so "he doesn't have a say in it" I show him their portfolios, I send him pictures of ideas and hs shoots them down. Part of it is him being bipolar part if him being an a**hole. I'm stressed out enough, we've got only 3 weeks left

I think he wants a first dance with you as his wife. Behind all that b.s. may be hurt feelings. You certainly do not have to have a father and daughter dance just because him and his mother are having one.
Maybe the dj can splice a piece of song together so you and him only have to dance for 30 seconds as a 1st dance. I know it may seem terrifying, I'm the same as you, but keep eyes locked in and let him lead.
I'm sorry he's being a s.h. A lot of stress right now. Hope you two can talk through it.

View Quoted Comment This exactly. I'm seeing red flags here if he is actually serious about this.

I'm like you, I'm dreading the first dance. We were not going to have one because we were planning on just taking people out to eat. Well the venue mention where we can have our first dance. Since then he loved it. I told him I hate attention. Even me walking down the aisle is freaking me out. I have brought it up to him but he told me I'll be okay. I really think hes not listening to me. In the end I think I'll do it just for him, but our wedding is only 48 people. But I think just sit down with him. Just say, I dont want to fight but... Who knows, he might listen.

My husband was sick to his stomach at the thought of dancing in front of people. So, we did it as soon as we walked in after our entrance. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to eat.
We danced to the whole song and it felt like an eternity! I suggest choosing a piece of a song, 1st verse and chorus. If it’s important to him I’d find a way to do it.
His comment was unnecessary joking or not. And if he was serious I’d be having a talk with him about why he said that.

Dance or no dance to me is a secondary issue in this situation. Compromise is a part of every relationship. But FH threatening to call off wedding 3 weeks before is not ok & is a bigger problem than the wedding itself, because it shows how he deals with friction/disagreements under pressure (by threatening). From my experience this is a problem that doesn’t go away & can take a toll on relationship.
I’m not a psychologist, but bipolar disorder can have something to do with this. Maybe he needs to talk to someone to help him improve his stress coping skills & two of you can have marital counseling to learn productive communication & arguing styles (every couple argues, but how they argue is a very important predictor of quality & longevity of their relationship).
I’m sorry you’re feeling frustrated & hope you work this out!

Why does he just dance with his mom and you can dance with whoever is giving you away or no one at all. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to do, It’s your day.

I think there’s a whole load of red flags in here having nothing to do with dancing or not. He should not be threatening you to call off the wedding, period. That’s gaslighting.

I would recommend dropping the topic of wedding planning for now and trying a couples counselor!

Thank you everyone who commented. I know he puts out a lot of red flags. He doesn't know how to argue or deal with confrontation without getting angry. His anger causes him to black out. I know a lot of this is hurt feelings and I'm just now finding out he wants to dance to "I don't dance" by Lee Brice. I hate country music but I listened to it and from what my fh has told me, this entire wedding is putting him out of his comfort zone.

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I really think you should try couples counseling. I really hate that counseling seems like such a taboo... My husband and I just got married 2 weeks ago and actually have been discussing going to counseling and I think we are going to start sometime this summer. Our relationship isn't in danger or anything, but we do have some unhealthy patterns that we are aware of... certain arguments that just keep coming up and happening over and over again, and the way that he handles conflict is very unhealthy sometimes too. We really just need help communicating better and, truly, most people do need help with that! Like I said we're not in danger of breaking up or anything lol, we're 2 weeks into our marriage and super happy but, why not solve this issue before it gets worse? Why not allow ourselves to get help with something we struggle with, and to be even happier?

It's like if you have a sore throat or something and you refuse to take a cough drop because it's not THAT bad. Why would you not just take the cough drop and make it feel all better?

Please consider the counseling! Anyone who admits that they have trouble arguing or dealing with confrontation could use some assistance with that. I think you would both be a lot happier.

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If you're photographer is crafty you can get pictures of you "dancing" they can be more staged. You'll still have the memory without having to dance.

Is he wanting to do something big and choreographed, or can you just slow dance for the couple minutes the song lasts? Is it the people watching that bother you?
I personally think threatening to call off the wedding is immature and if my FH pulled that I’d be pissed, you’re not children and it shouldn’t be “my way or not at all.” Marriage is about two people, and relationships require compromise not one person bullying the other into getting what they want. I would talk to him about how you feel. Good luck!
BTW My 3yo thinks her brothers role is ring “bear” not “bearer” it’s adorable, my son wants to wear one of those blow up trex costumes 🙄.

View Quoted Comment It is immature. How I see it is he is unable to handle conflict and when he can't make his way seen "nicely" he yells and gets irrational. I call him out on his BS so I feel secure in the sense that I know when he's bluffing. He just wants a slow dance but it is the people factor that freaks me out.

And that's adorable xD

I think you guys should dance...maybe not you and your dad because you haven’t spoken in 3 years but you and him should it’s part of the wedding, people will think something is wrong between you and him if you don’t and it would just be awkward because a first dance is so traditional and everyone will be talking (at least that’s what I think would happen when I imagine it with my family anyways) ...and I think real vows, traditional or written, are important to

And Jessica is right...regardless of opinion on dancing or any of that stuff it’s childish to call off the wedding that’s taken so much time and money to plan over something like thag

View Quoted Comment The people freak me out too! My thought is to have the DJ ask couples to join us after the first minute or so to prevent having all eyes on us for 3+ minutes. I hope you two can figure out a plan that works for you both.
I do agree with the other posters, couples counseling will help build the tools to resolve conflict without ultimatums and anger. I’m glad you call him out on it, but he does need to learn better ways to handle his emotions. I know I’m not always the best at communicating when I get emotional, and it’s something I’ve had to work in a lot.

It sounds like this is important to him. He may have gone about it the wrong way, but like others have said I think it was partially hurt feelings.
That first dance is very monumental. You can do a very short version of a song and just sway back and forth, no need to get nervous about any dance moves.
I hope you two work it out

Even though I do not agree at all with him threatening to call of the wedding over something like that...I can see where he might be coming from. My boyfriend has an entirely different personality than my family. Like completely different in everything opinions/attitude/likes and dislikes...like any category you can think of my boyfriend is different from my family in it. Whenever I bring him around my family I get so nervous that something is gonna go wrong...like the best example is my family asking if I’m ever going to go to college and me getting quiet and embarrassed and my boyfriend sticking up for me because I’m happy with my job and happy with where we are and my family taking it the wrong way...or even if I go to a family gathering and he doesn’t come with me (I don’t care if he does he works all day) I get nervous and sometimes even cry that they’re going to talk about him not being with me. He literally has to sit down with me and calm me down before I go there because I get so nervous. I get the worst anxiety that my family is going to talk if we don’t do things “traditionally” or the way they think it should be. I get so nervous and sometimes get angry without meaning to when we don’t do things in a certain way that will impress them even when I know neither of us want to and he has to calm me down and bring me back to reality...it might be anxiety from what everyone else will think that’s getting to him. Just a thought...sorry if I went on a rant I had to explain lol