Tell unsupportive parents before or after wedding?

If you don't invite them, you don't give them the opportunity to be better than the were the first time.

But I think it's really about asking yourself if the response will be more or less devastating before or after the marriage. I think it will hurt either way. But at least telling them before the marriage gives them an opportunity to be better people now that they've had more time to think about it. If the reaction is the same, and the hurt is the same, at least you were the better person by not excluding them.

Your post broke my heart, but I see this time and time again with my same sex couples. And interestingly enough, the family that 'approves', very often 'adopts' the other partner.

I would invite them. As Jnissa said, you'll give them a chance to be better humans than they were at first; and if they don't step up? Well, you opened up your heart to them.

That being said, only you an make that decision. If they really, really disapprove, they probably son't come but they may have had some soul searching in the process.

Best wishes to you!!!!

Like others have said, I would invite them and give them the opportunity to make the right decision. I would, however, prepare yourself for the worst. If you have prepared yourself mentally for their disapproval, hopefully it will be ever-so-slightly less devastating right before your wedding.

Best of luck with everything!!!

I would tell them before. That way, you're giving them another chance to support you. If they don't, it will suck, but at least you're giving them the chance. It's possible (since you say they've made other gestures towards your fiancee, maybe they've had a change of heart (or will have one when they realize otherwise they're choosing not to attend their daughter's wedding).

I think it depends on how you feel in the end. if you think that having them there will upset you too much, then dont invite them.

if you would like them there assuming they have had a change of heart, then I would contact them letting them know that you have a wedding in plan, asking them to contact you if they have had a change of heart and wish to attend.

unless they contact you with a change of heart, then I'm not so sure I would invite them. before I would want to include them in my day, I would want to have at least a little chat with them over feelings. try to hopefully clear the air before hand.

if I was in you position I think I would want them there, but I personally don't think that weddings are the time and place to deal with major issues and let them spoil things.

hope it works out well for you!

I vote with everyone else-- invite them. And may I point out, in this country, no one is locked into a religion, and your parents are free to choose a more accepting one? Them hiding behind, "Our religion tells us what to think" is a cop-out, IMO.

I agree, invite them, your giving them a chance, I just know it would suck really bad if they did want to come and you found that out after you got married, and didn't encore them

Thank you so much for all of the advice! After doing a lot of soul searching today, I think I realized that I don't really want them at the wedding. I don't think I would be comfortable having them there even if they had a change of heart. I'd like their support but I don't think I'm ready to share something so intimate with them just yet. I agree with you all about at least informing them of the wedding. Any ideas on how to word it? "Hey mom and dad, I'm getting married but please don't come" doesn't seem very nice...

I think you should invite them, then you are letting them make the decision on if they want to be a part of your day. If you don't invite them you will never truly know if they would have gone to support you.

If you really don't want them there, then I would just word it so that you don't indicate that you want them there...something like...

"Dear parents, my significant other and I have decided to get married. This ceremony is for us, and we would like to keep this moment between us. We hope you understand."...something like that.

I am so sorry! Your parents are obviously very important to you if their views on your upcoming nuptials are causing you this much pain. From what am I gathering, it would mean a lot to you if they would be there, even though they don't approve of the gender of your fiance. If you are worried about their response, get in touch with your parents and let them know that you are aware of their views on your upcoming marriage, but it would mean the world if they were present at your wedding and would they be willing to celebrate the marriage of their daughter and not let their views intervene with your happiness for one day.

I totally understand not wanting your parents there.

this is a very special day for you, even though typically people put a lot of expectations on the couple on who they should or should not invite, it is totally your choice.

this is a special day, and if having your parents there would cast a shadow on your happiness, then I think it would be best to not have them there. if your wedding was several months away then I would say do what you can to clear the air between you. but your wedding is soon, and trying to make everything great before then may not be realistic.

maybe send them a nice card telling them your decision, and offering a video or some pictures if they would like to have some.

there's may be the option of web camming the wedding over skype and allowing them to see it there. I think such things would be very generous to offer. if they decide to not take you up on that offer then it's their choice and their loss.

btw- if you decide to broadcast your wedding, then I would certainly love to be a virtual guest and support your day if you would like please keep us posted! hope all goes great!

Taking out the same sex aspect I do have a few questions- Why a letter to your parents instead of her meeting them, or even calling them? How long were you dating her before you were engaged, had they met? Taking out the reasoning for the letter there have been a lot of people here who's parents haven't approved. You had to know ahead of time that they weren't going to give their blessing? From your follow up post I now see the goal is how to tell them you don't want them there, to which I don't have a lot of advice if you're going to have other friends there unfortunately because eloping just the two of you would be completely fine. I'm also slightly biased because my fiance's family also doesn't approve, and I would have loved to get any gifts from them, so at least they're making an effort? If you're dead set on it just just say you appreciate them being supportive but you understand their religious beliefs and will be having a very small ceremony with others who are more _______ (can't think of a good adjective without being mean, so good luck)

I think you should invite them. If you don't, they could interpret it that you are ashamed of your wedding -- and you don't want them to have that impression.

Perhaps a note along the lines of, "We are getting married and would love it if you could share in our happiness." By giving your fiancee gifts, they seem to have accepted her being a part of your life. Maybe now they're ready to accept her as your wife.

Many years ago, I did a commitment ceremony for a couple who had only friends at their ceremony because neither set of parents was supportive. I did a ceremony for another couple who didn't have anyone with them (just the 3 of us present). In the years since, my commitment ceremonies have had more families involved as they have become more accepting.

I hope your parents can open their hearts to you and your fiancee. Give them a chance.

I think you should invite them. Give them the option to accept or decline your invitation. Don't make the decision for them.

Invite them. This may be their only chance to open their arms and accept you and your fiance. They've had a year to "come to terms" with you life decisions and maybe they feel differently now. If you do not invite them you are deciding for them. If they choose to decline, that's on them, but don't assume they will not support you.

If it was me I would invite them. Yes it might hurt if they stick with their ways but it also gives them the opportunity to think about it and be there to support you. I would hate to not invite someone for those reasons and later on be told that the person had thought about it and would have went cause then its too late ya know? I mean if you don't want to deal with a possible heart break then thats fine but if you give them one more chance it has a good possibility to go in a positive direction.

You should invite them. Informing them of the wedding, but not letting them come can just drive a further wedge between the two of you.

You say you want them to support your marriage, and yet you don't feel you can accept them at the wedding. These two things are contradictory to me. How can you say you want their support but witnessing your wedding is too much? A wedding is the start of your marriage, and if you want them involved later on, you should open the do to allow them to come in at the beginning. Shutting them out now is only going to make things more difficult later.

The question is whether you want your parents to be part of your life. If their failure to accept your marriage is the final straw, and you are ready to cut them out of your life altogether, then don't invite them. But if you would still like to have their support, go ahead and invite them. At best, they will decide to attend after all, and seeing the traditions incorporated into your ceremony will help them to realize that yours is a marriage just like any other. At worst, they will refuse to come, but at least they won't have a refusal to invite them standing in the way of a later reconciliation.

I think that if you invite them, and they are willing to come, then I don't understand why you wouldn't be ecstatic. Lots and lots of people these days, even those who are very conservative are starting to change their minds - mostly because they realize that someone they love is LGBT. My family has always been super accepting of others, but it was still hard for my sister to come out to us. We love her. We love her wife. Give them a chance - you might be pleasantly surprised. That being said, always hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. Be ready if they aren't ready yet. It really sounds like they are trying.